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Internalize the Locus.

Their emotions
became the feedback
by which I adjusted myself.

I had come to value
approval over self-respect.
Doubts in my own
capacities, I sought validation

in the heart of everyone,
even the reactions
of passing strangers
or those I despised.

What a waste of a life.

Ultimately beat down
by both praise
and the ghastly distortions
in this circus hall of mirrors.

Still, I put the fate
of my mood, my thoughts,
my life in their hands:
mindset of the powerless.

I was just the leaf
chauffeured by opinions
as unpredictable
and transient as the wind.

I sought my reflection
in every other pair of eyes
save my own.
Tentacles spreading out
just to control.

Constantly running around,
adjusting, worrying,
making sure they all play
their parts as supporting roles:

anxiety borne
from failing a futile quest
again and again and again.
Rage arrives
when the pendulum swings.
Depression
is just the exhaustion.

Running for so long
from the boogeyman
I was so terrified of becoming,
hiding inside a masque
of self-serving lies
perpetually seeking validation.

Cyclic distractions,
seasons in the cyclone
spun far from my path.
Never knowing
where I stood
or what I was aiming for.
Lost grip on identity.

I can almost
see it behind me.
Aching for it clearly
in the rearview…

Centered now
on the only nucleus
of permanence.
Channeling passion
to blaze my own trail.

Embrace expression now,
bleeding shamelessly,
unapologetic.
Impression is imprisonment.

High time to internalize
the locus.

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