If I remember correctly, it first came to my attention while watching the Haylee videos on YouTube, back when I was still living in the old apartment. I had a lot of approach and retreat with respect to watching her videos; I’m uncertain as to how far along I was at the time, or perhaps where I fell along her conditioning schedule.
In any case, in the midst of a Hypnotic Haylee marathon I suddenly snapped into a state of consciousness in which it distinctly felt as though two of me were there. By this I don’t mean me-as-body and me-as-mind, but rather that there were two distinct aspects of consciousness active and present in my body at once, like one subtle form superimposed on my own.
My feeling was that this was indeed a part of me and not “something else” in a sense of an intruding spirit or whatever, only a compartmentalized and evidently autonomous part. I could not anticipate how he would move; again, which is to say that I observed myself making movements without deliberately making those movements. The movements were not anything major or complex and seemed rather stiff and robotic-like. The background mood at the time was of a calm, charged, trancey, blissful kind of feeling. The feeling was no doubt induced by both the fact I was high on cannabis and her vast array of clever hypnotic techniques — yet were the movements also programmed by her covertly, subliminally, or was this arising all on its own?
This has happened since, both on occasions while high and during meditation, and at least once while both high and meditating. My eyes will pop open and I will move my head, often robotically, to the left and right and face forward, a sense of curiosity often the reaction I feel from the animating force. I get the residual sense of staring out of my own eyes through an entirely distinct state of mind in which all appears foreign and interesting. When I’m high I also occasionally find myself ashing my cigarette without deliberately doing so, which is distinct from doing so absent-mindedly, for instance.
The only reference I can find that even vaguely fits this experience is what is known as “spontaneous kriya.” From the Sanskrit, kriya can translate to action, much like karma, which has the same root. Though it is often used to refer to intentional movements used during yoga in order to put the peddle to the metal with respect to spiritual evolution, kriya is also a word often used to refer to the reverse. Rather than movements used to spawn such evolution, spiritual evolution — the awakening kundalini — spontaneously spawns such movements in an involuntary way, as a kinetic manifestation, during meditation.
However nice it would be able to see the movements I made during meditation to be symptoms of psycho-spiritual progress, kriya as described seems to refer to more random movements ranging from slight jerks and twitches to full-blown, ants-in-the-pants attacks resembling seizures. In some cases, people can allegedly twist themselves into a pretzel like a yoga master, or like those who are possessed are said to do, and may even make involuntary sounds. In essence, it sounds like the Eastern equivalent of speaking in tongues and flopping around in the floor like a fish out of water because you’re “possessed by the holy spirit.”
Kriya could be seen as a form of instinctive displacement, perhaps: the involuntary act of discharging unblocked energy in movements, either random or perhaps in a manifestation bearing patterns characterizing the blocked energy in question. It may be a broader manifestation of what are often called ideomotor responses (subliminal movements such as during hypnosis or when using a Ouija board, for instance).
Or might the “holy spirit” in this case be the energy-working hypnodomme, the seductively psychic hypnotist, mentalist; the puppetry of that luscious, insatiably dark mistress Haylee — she who teases you into trance, makes surrender a fix and obedience an addiction.
Terrifying. Yet alluring. Oh, my trust issues…
Why does she appear to be the more likely source of the two? Mostly due to the fact that the movements appear deliberate, not random or rhythmic, as described across the net and shown in several unconvincing (to put it kindly) YouTube videos allegedly depicting the phenomenon.
Since I stopped listening and watching her for some time, I have felt the desire creeping up to watch her again. When I finally relinquished to the pull, I wrote about it. It was written in third person limited as part of my effort to try out a little experiment in self-talk, a literary manifestation of my approach to this behavior with mindfulness at the suggestion of that Actualized.org guy, who has some interesting videos and viewpoints that I have enjoyed chewing on and experimenting with. He said to be mindful of your behavior, but rather than interfering with it just take up an observer position and “follow through.” So I did. I attempted to watch her again twice since picking up daily meditation, I dipped out and masturbated halfway through on both occasions.
And tonight, I return again, feeling high, lonely, horny and typically lost in a world I have never felt I belong. Seeking comfort. Wanting to feel that other side of me again, knowing I may just end up damning myself by the time I woke up that evening for my third shift, I look up Haylee on my laptop.
Beginning at 6:40 AM on March 5, 2015, I watch two or three videos until deciding to get higher and watch some more. I then had a cigarette, but as I wanted to finish it rather than have it burn down to the filter as I became transfixed, I decided to “read her words” on her website. As I looked, I saw a video to the right — Haylee’s guided meditation. No fucking way, I thought. I had been listening to some Kabat-Zinn videos and other guided meditations at night sometimes in addition to my daily meditation. Just the other day I had tried Googling for such guided meditation tapes with a sexy female voice — something with the power of Hypnotic Haylee but without the fears of some hypnotic army agenda — and here it was. Found when I stopped looking. I couldn’t resist. I plugged my ear buds first into my laptop, then into my ears and pressed play.
Magnificent. Like an answer to my telepathic plea.