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War of Heart and Heads.

There is every rational reason conceivable why I should not like her — she qualifies as an irresponsible parent (though not out of a lack of caring, I should add), has an inability to maintain a job for very long, she has short relationships with boyfriends, is often messy and is just generally naive. With all of that said, I still want her, or parts of me do, and that bugs the living hell out of me. I keep telling myself that I cannot help who I’m attracted to, though if true that doesn’t ease my frustrations in the least. It still is. I had not seen her in some time and now, looking at her, she is a sight for sore eyes; her movements and expressions, her voice and the way she uses it all strike chords deep within me. I have accepted my sexual attraction with her, but now I want to hold her, hug her, bury myself in her, own her (and I had the desire to possess someone like an object over everything else). The impulse to aggressively fucking the living hell out of her is still there, but there is also this softer element now. Is it that we have not seen each other in so long? I hate that I’ve missed her so much. It’s like my heart and my penis have teamed up against my brain. Must there always be a war within me? Do I lack ambivalence anywhere inside? Have I even an actual experience of congruence to reference in memory? Does everything I think or feel have to be so complex and ultimately ridiculous? I’m embarrassed about how she makes me feel and I joke a bit and make fun if her like an asshole as if to distance myself from it, but it remains strong and I fear she senses it.

Maybe not having had sex in so long is just clouding my judgement. Fucking with my emotions. The antidote, the elixir? Sex. Get laid, get sane.

That’s probably not my brain talking, though.


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