*with apologies to The Matrix.
“Do not try and bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead only try to realise the Truth: there is no spoon. Then you’ll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.”
“But there is a spoon,” said Ted Theodore Logan, wiggling it in front of the Buddhist-looking boy’s face. “In the very least in terms of sensory phenomena, which is the closest we can ever hope to get to contacting noumena, there is indeed a spoon. However given what Morpheus has oh-so-cryptically and dramatically conveyed to me, I suppose you are right in another sense. After all, the spoon does not correspond to the implied noumenal analogue but instead a substituting computer program — still noumenal in nature, but not the kind of corresponding identity the phenomena implies.”
“Even if there was a noumenal analogue, a spoon-in-itself, all that you will ever know of the spoon is phenomenal experience, which is by nature subjective, psychological. So don’t be a cunt. There is no spoon.”
“If you claim this is so because we never know a spoon-in-itself, then there is not just no spoon, there is nothing at all, ever, anywhere. There is as much a spoon as anything else.”
The little spoon philosopher grabs the spoon angrily, throws it at the wall and has a tantrum.