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Darkening Times and Red Lights in the Sky.

It was roughly 3:30 in the morning on the first of July, 2015, when I got up from my computer chair and proceeded to go through the doorway leading from the living room to the bedroom on my way to the bathroom. As I was at the doorframe, for a moment I turned and glanced towards the windows covered by my green curtains. Through them I saw two red lights positioned vertically — two lights that should not have been there. I saw them, passed into my bedroom by a step, realized what I had just seen and turned to look back. They were gone. I tried to put it out if my mind as I was high, but I felt certain this was no hallucination. Nor were they fireworks. Maybe it was two red lights on some tower I had for some reason never noticed before, I thought to myself, so I went up to the windows, pulled the curtains aside, and saw the moon in the general direction I had seen the lights. It was certainly not the fucking moon. There was nothing else. Just the quiet, still darkness of the night.

***

I noticed some time ago that during my false awakenings and lucid dreams (or whatever it is that happens) that I would on occasion encounter a glowing colon, like the hour and minute divider on a digital clock. During one false awakening in the very least I recall having actually seen it on my clock, blinking green, without any numbers at all. The only think I could figure is that it represented “missing time.” On other occasions, I have seen the glowing green colon just sort of floating there in the dream or whatever, on one occasion arranged horizontally. Has this pattern, whatever its meaning, bled into my waking state through the medium of visual hallucination? My actual digital clock back in the day had a green read-out. Is it colored red now because my digital clock readout is red?

I saw those two lights glowing through the curtain though — through them — however briefly. It just doesn’t strike me as a hallucination, though it would be perhaps easy to dismiss it as such.

***

I have felt different lately. This darkness, this intensity. A few days ago, I tried to spill it on paper in the form of a poem:

A shadow slowly drapes
itself over the world again. Everything is dark,
vision is crisp, awareness
is acute and tension within
just grows and grows.

It’s like I’m alive
inside a still life.
Like it’s all over,
but somehow it’s all right.

This feeling is so familiar.

Every time they return
I fear they are back to stay.
Every time they leave
I think, maybe they won’t
come back again.
Periodic, unpredictable
waves of madness.

“It’s almost like
we’re being conditioned.”

No evidence the cycle
has returned,
though paranoia comes
creeping in regardless.

I know my patterns….

***

The pattern is getting afraid, getting angry, not sleeping, being concerned about global issues, smoking heavily, smoking more pot and picking up drinking again — which I have done the last week, though moderately. I blathered about the feeling through writing, again, a few days ago:

Sometimes you want to escape though you know there’s no way out, for its always followed you, taunting, haunting you with questions, pushing you to the brink, increasing the pressure, like a weight with a mind of its own that you’re forced to bear. I want to fight, bite, draw blood, my whole life violates me, it all feels unjust and inescapable.

***

Maybe this is all due to stress regarding other things. I failed to get my ass in gear to apply for that job, for instance. Not having been laid in the last two to three years is also admittedly taking its toll. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps this is all just a fucking psychosis. I keep hoping one day I know for sure.

***

In the town that I live in, so I have discovered through some googling, there was an August 5, 2012 sighting of two glowing red objects in the sky.

Is this happening again?

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