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A Severed Limb.

I have never liked the feeling I have gotten when in a large group of people at some public event. With respect to the crowd’s reaction to a shared stimulus, they seem to react as a single “super-organism.”

It’s not just something I see, either, but something I can feel. I can even feel it sometimes when I step into work. I can certainly feel it on occasions between myself and another person or between others to my exclusion. Though I am not a person who claims to have ever “seen” an aura, I certainly have the experience of feeling or sensing something as far back as I can recall that seems to fit that definition, which is to say some energy that exists in and around living things. No, I do not see different colors, but people feel different, and it would seem to be the “extra-tactile-kinesthetic” analogue to color: different vibrations or frequencies felt in a way most closely analogous to the typical senses of texture and motion. It feels like energy, like electric.

I only go into a little labor in describing it because I have found some share the experience as a common background and seem to think little to nothing of it because, at least until I came along, no one else appears to have mentioned it — though neither do they judge it, apparently, as that other segment of the population seem to have no fucking idea what in the hell I’m talking about when I bring it up. They don’t seem to have a context for it at all. They didn’t even know as little about it as they typically require to accept it as something they are required to either believe in or not believe in.

It wasn’t on the social radar at all.

So what the fuck do people think when other people talk about vibes, vibrations, good and bad energy — do they just assume it to be some new age, hand-me-down, gibberish-infested hippy-speak? Is it indeed just this in some cases, where people use the words without knowing their meaning, or perhaps use the same words but mean something else by saying them? I am, in the least, not the only one.

Do you, if the shoe fits, presume that I and the rest are simply mad? Or that we experience intuition as additional sensory experience? Or that this is a but a widespread, if widely unrecognized, psychosis?

I can feel the different ways different people of differing energies interact with my own. I can also sense a sort of fusion between a large group of people and the threat of influence, of dissolution into that collective force is certainly a haunting and frightening one for me. I can love it, it can bring true joy when you forge that bond with a single and specific type of individual, but being plugged into the ever-turbulent mass can feel like emotional rape.

Just icy cold fingers touching you, curiosity without restraint, poking at you with no more hate than love.

Passions of indifference. Psychopathy in utter completeness. It can feel like hell and I can never stop it from infecting me upon being subjected to it. When they share emotions at a low intensity, they seem to retain some individuality, but if the emotion has intensity they are caught up in a frenzy as sorts. They go autopilot stimulus-response, and groupthink provides the appropriate response.

I will not submit to being an appendage. No judgement for those who elect to be so, understand: I am simply not a limb. It does, however, stand as my well-executed cover. I call it my fucking job.

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