(Letter to the Self,
How did you like today? Just waking up like you did, deciding to go out and run errands — and doing it despite the fact that it was pouring down rain from the time you left to the time you came back?
Typically you’re too paranoid to drive around and do things, of course. And you hate driving in the rain.
Even so, you failed to realize how well you dealt with it until you got back to your apartment. Amazement in retrospect. You didn’t freak out, not once. It was all natural. You weren’t in a cold sweat, shaking and so on. You were still kind of nervous when around people and in dealing with them, sure, but nothing like usual.
The change today was rather dramatic. Unprecedented.
This, this should happen more often. This is something you should nurture, help to grow. Relinquish your old ways of dealing with yourself for awhile, try and embrace this mode of being.
Cease the wretched self-loathing.
Look at it this way: for years you have beat yourself up and talked down to yourself inside, and often enough aloud as well. Circumstances have not improved. This is not helping things, that is clear. How about we try a little tweaking? Like this: ease the fuck up on yourself.
This is what you did without trying today.
Its bad enough fucking up, why drag out the pain through needless reinforcement? Quit tonguing sore teeth, man. Try again, try another way, give the fuck up, but this rumination, this negative thinking, is utterly useless. This obsessive concern with how you make people feel or how they feel towards you or just how they feel has got to stop.
I’m not saying obliterate your empathy — I’m saying quit letting it paralyze you. Quit being its puppet. It’s not helping you or anyone else and you must come to terms with that fact. Change will then come naturally.