Anxiety creeps in again, lounges at me, possessing me, clawing and punching away at my insides ruthlessly, without mercy. Chaos reigns within and around me. I feel like I’m on overload, trying not to break down, crack up, cave in, freak
out and die. Its like I’m holding my breath or trying to contain what promises to be a violent, explosive shit.
Trembling. Dry mouth. Cold sweat and hot fucking flashes again. My soul feels like a fist. Emotions and sensations have such volume, build to such noise, that I become deafened to my own thoughts.
For clarity, I must speak aloud. I cannot quite hear myself think. My mind feels jumbled, lost at sea, and then someone wants to talk to me, and the next person, and the next, one after the other or at once. I feel like I should say something even though I don’t know what to say and I force it to fill the silence, trying to be funny or at least be engaged with the conversation with the person but I only come across like I’m trying to sound far smarter than I really am, and often what I say is entirely nonsensical. Then I feel like a fake. Like a total idiot.
Hang me from the gallows. Burn me at the stake. Stone me in the bad way. Excommunicate me.