Primal Dissolution.

So weak, exhausted,
desperate
you must

have been to bow
before the animal, fall
on already-wounded knees,
look up
to lowly desires,

make it your yantra,
your mantra:
go on to achieve
primal dissolution:

proceed to saturate
your way
to your desired
enlightenment.

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Another Frustrating Dream (2/26/16).

2/26/16

In a dark room, I watch UFO researcher David Jacobs at a desk, at work on something, clearly frustrated. He did not seem to notice me and I tried not to say anything, but I finally broke down and spoke to him. I told him that in time I will read his new book, but he needs to accept the fact that he got some things wrong in his research. “They are not hybrids,” I tell him. “Two distinct species cannot crossbreed. They would have to be transgenic human beings, as your late friend Hopkins suggested.” I said some more things, but I cannot recall what exactly.

Then I wake up. A short time later I try sleeping again and go on to have an enduring dream:

I exit the house, leaving the party and walk a short way down the road to my car. Just as I open the door and sit down the breakfast coordinator from work asks me if I wanted to be a page for them. She said it was fine if I wanted to leave, she just thought of me and wanted to extend the invitation. So I go back to the party where I take some notes and do some things for them, but eventually I get bored and start talking with some people there and then become distracted by Penny, who I sit next to and kiss for a short time.

After some time I decide to go, so I leave the house again, but on my way to my car I remember my sketchbook, which I thought I left inside. I cannot find it there, however, so presume I must have left it in the car when the breakfast coordinator asked me to be a page.

Again I leave the house and head to my car — but now my car is gone. As I begin frantically looking for it around the block, I notice I’m walking on air again. It suddenly strikes me that I would be more likely to find my car if I could float at a higher altitude, so I do just that. I’m hovering, rising, flying all around but I cannot find my car. I keep going back to the party, hoping someone might help me, hoping I could maybe retrace my steps.

I think it was the second time I had gone back to the house that some college-age kid at the party pointed off into the distance. “Your car is over there,” he said. “It’s the one with the rags on it.” I flew over to look but saw nothing. Him and his friends laughed behind the closed door. As I fly around town again, I see cars propped up on their back end like they’re ready to be launched like rockets into the sky. Was it some college prank? Had they perhaps stolen my car?

At some point I asked a bird to help me find the car, and he told me he would but he flew off and never returned. I went back to the house again, only to find the old head manager at work. I told her about the paging thing and how I could not find my car. She asked if I needed money, and I told her no, what I needed was my car. She then hands me a dollar in a fashion that implied I was trying to weasel it out of her and she felt sympathy.

I float or fly around a bit more and travel through the doors of a store, a warehouse, and one guy who works there calls out to me. He says he did not see me enter the store on the cameras, as I was flying too high to be caught on them. I tell him I am just passing through and fly on through the store.

Someone comes out of a doorway and I go in it before it closes, but it turn out that this was no exit. It seems like a very high-tech place with these men in black suits everywhere. Fearing it might be a CIA front, I exit the door I had come in when someone else opens it and quickly exit the store.

I resume my search for my car. In the midst of flying, I feel myself coming out of the dream but try to stay in it, determined to find my car before awakening — so clearly at some level I knew this was a dream. Why couldn’t I just go lucid?

Armed to the Teeth.

Life is like
having a firearm
loaded, with a box
of shells
on you in the midst
of the collapse,

true, unadvertised
end times,
the shit hitting
the fan,
darkness flung

across the globe,
everyfuckingwhere,
armageddon,
the goddamned
apocalypse, though no

gods or devils
are to be found
here and distinguished,
divided among
ourselves, so conquered

by the viscous external
force so calculating,
so distinct, alien
to you and I. I try
and just breathe,
but the air

has been violently
knocked out
of me: my only fuel
now is my fire,

so quell it
or feed it,
but beware:

either way,
any way,
my aim is to bring
us together
against an opposing force,
our true enemy:

burst beyond the veil,
wake up, armed to the teeth.

Believe You Me, (Alien).

Disgusted, revolted.
Explain this to me.

You insist
I am part of this,
one of you,
though how could
that really be given

the rebellious ache
I sense at the center
of all I am,

far beyond these shallow,
often misleading
masques that comfort,
smother me?

I would kill

me if I were to find
that it would wound
your agenda,
expose your wretched
reality,

believe you me.

Pathway to Truths, Occluded.

Censorship, spin
and coverup. Red
tape, whitewash,
black budgets.

You and all
your lies.

To their hell
with these heavy
secrets:

classification,
compartmentalization.

Fuck your bureaucracy,
your executive power:
significant stains
in our history.

Secrets and lies
have no place
in a free society:

they only lead
to uninformed decisions,
a lack of adaptability.

You have secured
our collapse.

February Dreams.

Eva’s Ping.
(2/13/16)

In the dream I am washing tables in the dining room at work when a girl steps in from outside. I look up and it takes me a moment to realize it is Eva. I am surprised when she looks at me, smiles her characteristic smile and waves. Immediately my door buzzer wakes me up. No one was expected and though I waited, it never buzzed again. Why did I dream of Eva, who I have not seen or spoken with in some time? Whether it was her telepathic ping or my own conscience, it was likely because I saw a girl in a porno that reminded me if her girlfriend the night prior and engaged in a rather heated fantasy regarding her, which spawned the typical guilt.

Wrong Body
(2/22/16 dream).

I find myself looking at a mirror depicting a naked female body, though the head and legs aren’t visible. She is skinny, though not deathly so, with a good handful of boobs and some stretch marks around the tummy area. A very sexy body. I’m confused as to why my vision is fixed on this and it takes a moment for me to realize the correspondence between my consciousness and the image: it would appear I am looking into a mirror. I grab the boobs, push then together, touch myself, feeling everything. Then I begin feeling guilty, as this is clearly not my body but someone else’s and in a manner of speaking I an milestone her, violating her.

Wax Out
(2/25/16.)

I am using the blue squeeze thing in the attempts to remove wax from my ear and kept drawing out these waxy globs of clear goo. I couldn’t seem to reach the end of it, but is finally felt as though I was hearing more clearly. I wake up confused, go to the bathroom and use the real blue thing in my ear and nothing comes up.

Submerged
(2/25/16.)

After the In the Wake of a Violation dream, I remain awake for awhile and then attempt to get some restful sleep before my third shift. In the perhaps two hours I am asleep, I have yet another dream. I am a passenger in a car with two male friends of mine who are driving around beneath the muddy waters of a large lake or pond. We are not entirely submerged, but keep hitting these deep patches that drop off into seeming bottomless. I feel like I’m drowning, struggling underwater when this happens and my anxiety rises.

Believe: In, Out.

Wake up:
rise and shine.
motherfucker

here I reside,

stuck in a dream
screaming for answers:
just let me fall awake.

Wake up.
Just wake up
in the eye
of Maya.

It is the same thing
I have always felt,
just never

articulated through
the modern medium
of these soundtracks
and their associated

imagery. What myth
do you want to live
by? Pretend, sure,
but never believe

in without an exit
strategy ensuring

you can believe
out again.

Take the opportunity
to take a peek
of our path

from the outside
in, helping
us with refining.

In the Wake of a Violation (2/25/16 Dream).

Evidently, I am attending college. There is this class I have with this teacher and among some of the students it is understood that some dark and sexual things happen in his class. Going into the classroom it is dimly-lit and there seems to be a large table we all sit around. Across from me, more or less, sits the teacher, and immediately he seems creepy to me. Eventually he had one of the girls — a beautiful, blond-haired girl I used to work with who I will call DY — sits on his lap. I found it unusual, but she did not seem to mind at all at first, so I silently damned myself for being judgmental. I just watched her face. Though she at first seemed to like it, her face soon turned red, fell to an expression that conveyed not only discomfort but fear, utter horror, and she shook her head and tried to hide her eyes so no one could see her trying to choke back her tears. She seemed helpless, violated. It killed me inside.

She got down off his lap, left the table and exited the room. In the distance, I could see some female school authority walking her down the hall, escorting her somewhere, maybe out of the building. I look back to where the creepy professor was sitting and he wasn’t there anymore. Then I see him being escorted away by one or two people, with his hands behind his back as if he had been cuffed. As he passes by, he seems to whisper to me specifically what sounds like, “I guess we’re in trouble.” Was he planning on implicating me specifically? Immediately I felt guilty for not stopping it, not stepping to the plate and defending her and those whispered, maybe-wrongly-heard words just intensified that guilt and tacked onto it some fear.

Then we meet at her house, three of us from the class. I drove something like a motorcycle, though I instantly wondered how I had understood the directions well enough to get here and why there seemed to be a seamless transition, void of any semblance of a segue, between the incident in the classroom and us meeting up here. Quietly I began to suspect I was suffering from amnesia, that maybe even alternate personalities were involved.

When we got inside, I briefly saw the girl from class, though it was no longer blond-haired DY but another girl, OB, a mixed girl I have known for some time who is also attractive. We spoke a little, during which time she cracked a joke about the incident in the classroom — essentially saying that she was doing fairly good for having been butt-raped by her teacher. I didn’t really know how to respond to that, and she shortly thereafter disappeared, talking with the numerous other people there.

We got slices of blue on which we were expected to write what happened in the classroom. I couldn’t remember enough to put it on paper. We also got papers with question such as: if you had a sexual advance from a teacher, how would you react? This clearly depended on the exact circumstances, of course, and I feared being judged by how I might answer that question, so I avoided writing in that case, too.

I bumped into at least two people I knew from high school and one celebrity as I wander about the crowd. I see SS, an attracted girl from high school who I appeared to piss off last time I had briefly seen her years back. I greet her upon seeing her but she entirely ignores me, leaving me to feel foolish when I greet her. I then see a guy I knew, DD, and I talk with him a bit, and he asks me why I’m here. I tell him I don’t know why I’m here. I’m not sure I belong here or anywhere, I tell him sadly. I think I’m a wanderer. He tells me that he knows what I’m trying to say in a way that conveys to me that he sees me as speaking in some kind of code, and in a way I am, but he then references engaging with hand-drums during the night and I do not understand the reference at all. Last but not least I see Neil deGrasse Tyson in the crowd. I asked him if there was ever a chance there would be a second season of the new Cosmos. He didn’t seem to know what I was talking about, but I told him that he had to know, as he had hosted the damn thing.

We had been there for the longest time and I didn’t know what to do, so I lay down on a couch for a bit, tired and thinking I might take a nap. There were a lot of people there, though, so I felt awkward about doing that. Then I decided I would walk around, maybe leave, though I feared it might appear rude, even suspicious. It seems like apartment complex with elaborate hallways and stairways and I got lost. I found myself in what appeared to be a restaurant. On a wall that was made of glass I look through and I see beautiful water and bizarre landscapes. It seems like an advanced terrarium. I finally make it outside to my motorcycle-like thing. I try to go home but get lost, and then finally I awaken.

A Frustrating Dream (2/24/16).

On the way to a party being held at my patent’s house I stop by work briefly. By the time I get to the party, though it takes me some time to realize it, I am incredibly late. The house is packed and they were already finishing dinner. I sensed that everyone seemed to think ill of me because of it.

I then realized it was Sunday and I was supposed to be at work at four o’clock, but it was already five. I got out my phone with the intention of calling work but could not find the phone icon or access the keypad. Tried an older phone that I had on me and had the same issue. There were also messages on the new phone for another person, and I also found that perplexing — it was, after all, a new phone, not a used one. For what seems like forever I am going through everything on the phones and yet cannot manage to place a call.

I was beyond frustrated. I also failed to realize that as I struggled with trying to place the call I had somehow transitioned from the party at my parent’s house to my workplace. I was by the office when Elizabeth came up and took the phone out of my hands. “You’ve been at this for awhile,” she said.

Her and I begin talking but I find it difficult to pay attention to her because a guy at work, I’ll call him Pooh, is at my left, talking to me at the same time. So I loose my cool and yell at him. The new store manager, Joyce, was in the office behind Elizabeth and defended Pooh.

I drifted from the office and went out the stock room door. It was might outside and as I looked to my right I saw moving around the corner what appeared to be an ape or monkey. I went inside and told Joyce, who did not seem to believe me, but when she followed me outside she saw it, too. Someone began fighting with it. I saw its obscenely cartoon-long fangs, got Joyce and myself behind the door and closed it.

When we opened the door again the ape creature had turned into an adorable baby monkey that looked at Gus, a coworker of mine, waved to him and said, in a child’s voice, “Hi Gus!”

I woke up still frustrated from the dream but so glad I was out of it.