Back in the days when my friends and I would go bar-hopping in a college town on the weekends, my frustration and embarrassment with myself began to grow. Behavior always seemed appropriate enough in the midst of inebriation, but on the day following our drunken meanderings and shenanigans darkness would fall on me — and it was like a thick, heavy blanket. I would frantically message or text those I felt I’d been a douche to, silently vowing to myself to behave better next time. Invariably, however, the following weekend was no different.
Wash, rinse, repeat offense.
In my more recent descent into alcohol, much the same thing occurred, only now I did so in the privacy of my own apartment and with respect to my blog. In this case, however, I suffered in silence and, in the clarifying light of sobriety, would ignore my drunken posts — typically poetry — and more rarely felt so ashamed I’d privatize or delete what I’d written and posted while under the influence. I only thought twice if I got a “like” or two.
For a long time, I would pretend that this circumstance required the ingredient of booze, though it’s now clear that this is far from the case. The same damn thing happens to me when under the influence of a mood or emotion. Joy, anger, fear, sexual desire: these were all intoxicants that breed precisely the same circumstances. I say or write something when I’m angry, for instance, only to feel like a fool when it wears off — now intoxicated with guilt, shame, self-loathing, depression. It feels as though I ping-pong between diametrically-opposed mood-dependent perspectives. And be it mood or booze, I think that’s precisely what it is.
The only way to solve this dilemma so far as I can see it to achieve some plateau, some stable baseline of consciousness which I unfortunately appear to lack at the moment save for brief periods separated by emotional roller-coaster extremes. Meditation helps a little, though I should probably do it more. Medication may help and perhaps I should get on it again. And neurofeedback would be awesome if it was both affordable and available.
I’ve got to do something: the oscillation is getting exhausting.