UFOs & Spatiotemporal Anomalies (Of Spacetime, Parapsychology, & the Paranormal).

So far as my admittedly feeble mind is capable of comprehending, according to Einstein, our universe is a spacetime continuum composed of three spatial dimensions and a single temporal dimension. With respect to the spatial dimensions the three axes – which out of convenience we could call north-south, east-west, and up-down – are similar in that they’re symmetrical and bidirectional, which is to say we can move backward and forward along them.

Unlike the case with the spatial axes, the temporal axis is asymmetrical and unidirectional. And we move along it whether we like to or not. As becomes ever-clearer as you get older, we can’t stand still in the temporal dimension – to the contrary, we’re always moving away from the past and towards the future in the vessel of the omnipresent now, though at varying speeds relative to the observer. The faster one accelerates (think the Twin Paradox) or the stronger the gravitational field (think the time dilation experienced after visiting the ocean world in the 2014 movie, Interstellar), the slower time flows for them relative to those accelerating slower or in weaker gravitational fields.

In paranormal experiences and the field of parapsychology, though, things aren’t so straightforward.

Far distances in space can allegedly be perceived subjectively through extrasensory perception (ESP), in this case, clairvoyance, and can be instantaneously traveled to via the “disembodied” subtle body through the out-of-body experience (OBE). Time is also no object, as through variants of clairvoyance we can also perceive the future (through precognition) as well as the past (through what is known as retrocognition or postcongition).

While not recognized by traditional parapsychology so far as I’m aware, many have reported somewhat related paranormal experiences, though rather than variants of clairvoyance, they would appear to be variants of psychokinesis (PK). One such experience is reported cases of teleportation, which essentially constitute the physical analogue of clairvoyance. Rather than merely perceiving a distant point in space or visiting that location in subtle form, they appear to bend the space between a distant location and their physical bodies and spontaneously appear there in zero time. The physical analogues to precognition and retrocognition also occur (though they are most often an analogue of retrocognition), and they are collectively referred to as time-slips. Whereas in teleportation an individual seems to disappear from one location and reappear in another instantly, bending space while not affecting time, during time-slips people always seem to remain in the same physical location despite suddenly finding themselves in a different point in time. As I have explored recently, an experience related to the time-slip may be the time-freeze, which also seems to be bound to a specific geographical location for a limited “time” only.

As it turns out, the UFO phenomenon is replete with such spatiotemporal anomalies as well. While some may suggest that the many cases in which individuals while encountering UFOs suddenly find that far more time has passed than they can account for or find themselves in an entirely different location may represent such anomalies, I still find that in most such cases the wealth of evidence suggests that they were abducted and subjected to telepathically-induced posthypnotic amnesia (accounting for the phenomenon of “missing time”) and in some cases are simply returned to a place distant to the area where they were originally taken (accounting for the experience of suddenly finding themselves in a different locale). Not all such UFO encounters offer such a relatively (and I stress the word relatively) prosaic explanation, however. Indeed, some cases strongly suggest these non-human intelligences have gained mastery over not only space but time.

That they have gained mastery over space has been clear to me for some time, and for a swath of reasons, not least of which is the fact that I still hold to my working hypotheses that the most rational explanation for these craft and their occupants are that they represent an extraterrestrial intelligence and without the ability to manipulate space the journey from here to there would be extremely difficult. Not impossible, perhaps, but extremely difficult. Even if they came from a planet surrounding Proxima Centauri – which, at 4.2 light years away, is currently the closest star to our sun – it would take them over four years to get here if they were traveling at the speed of light. And if our current scientific understanding is accurate, they couldn’t. For starters, as an object approaches the speed of light, its mass becomes larger and larger, requiring more and more energy. To get here, they would have to be able to control gravity so that the craft would not be moving at all; instead, they would be in a bubble, warping the space around the craft, and bending the space between the craft and its destination.

In other words, the technological equivalent of teleporting.

Also, consider the seemingly impossible maneuvers they’ve been witnessed to pull within our own planet’s atmosphere. Taking off without accelerating. Descending from space to the surface of the ocean, making sharp, right-angle turns, all instantaneously and without decelerating – and all without their craft utterly disintegrating or, assuming there are occupants, without those occupants slamming against the walls and becoming fucking mush. And breaking the sound barrier all without making so much as a peep, much less a sonic boom. All this would make perfect sense if they’ve somehow mastered the ability to manipulate or generate gravity and control space around the craft.

Given I’ve accepted this for some time, perhaps it shouldn’t have taken me so long to suppose they could similarly manipulate time – in my adult life, at any rate. When I was a kid and visiting my maternal grandmother, I wrote the government a letter asking them to disclose the truth about UFOs, and within the letter explicitly asked if they could travel through time. As a kid I was also obsessed with the notion of time travel, even before seeing Back to the Future, and carried my “blueprints” for a time machine or “T.M.” around with me at school in a red binder, working on it in my free time. When I began receiving flashbacks early in my high school career, however, my interest in the paranormal and the UFO subject in particular soared, and while my interest in time travel remained, the UFO interest became a subject of obsession, overshadowing my interest in time travel, which also became dissociated from the subject.

After all, given the way I was re-experiencing memories from my past, particularly during that period, the time-machine seemed to have been hiding between my ears the entire time.

This linkage between temporal anomalies and UFOs also tied in with one of the thorns in my side regarding my favorite television show at that time. I’ve always had a sort of love-hate relationship with The X-Files, with one of those reasons being that while I felt the show served the subject of the paranormal in general and UFOs in particular well in the sense that it popularized them, it also helped associate them with errors and misconceptions. One of the misunderstandings I noted early on in the series was the whole notion of missing time, which from my research I understood to be a period of amnesia some UFO witnesses experienced during their encounters which were sometimes later found to be periods during which they were abducted. The X-Files seemed to provide confusion, I thought, in their pilot episode, where Mulder and Scully experienced a time loss of nine minutes, which seemed to be expressed as jumping forward in time rather than an episode of amnesia.

Three decades later, I found evidence to suggest this may not have been the silly misunderstanding on Chris Carter’s part that I assumed it was at the time. To the contrary, he might have actually downplayed the kind of temporal anomalies associated with some UFO sightings.

For example, in The Extratempestrial Model, a 2022 book by Dr. Michael P. Masters, he cites a 1977 UFO encounter case from Pampa Lluscuma, Chile, involving one Corporal Armando Valdes. On April 25, at about 4 in the morning, his soldiers saw two silent, bright, violet lights descend from the sky. When Valdes approached one of the objects, he vanished before the eyes of the other men for fifteen minutes, and upon reappearing, uttered the words, “You don’t know who we are or where we come from, but we will be back soon,” before collapsing. Despite having been clean-shaven before, he now had about a week’s growth of beard, and his watch read April 30, collectively suggesting that what the men had experienced as only a quarter of an hour he had experienced as five days.

There is another example that has mysteriously fallen into my lap, dropped by the hands of synchronicity.

Interestingly, within a day of beginning to write this, one of my favorite YouTube channels, Beyond Creepy, posted an episode entitled “20 Years: Strange Encounter on Yaya Beach,” which provides a more extreme example of the kind of temporal anomaly that Valdes experienced. The story involves a group of six teenage boys who had an incredibly strange experience during a weekend camping trip to Playa Yaya Beach in Peru in 1981. When their campfire had gone out, half the group had gone to bed, and the other three had remained awake, but eventually, the cold became too much. Having noticed a light about a fifth of a mile down the beach and assuming it was a campfire, they drew straws to see which one of them would walk down to ask for some matches. In the end, t’was chance that selected the 18-year-old Caesar, who grabbed his flashlight and began what was estimated to be a twenty to thirty-minute journey there and back.

As Caesar began approaching the light, its color changed into a vibrant lilac color, and he now recognized that it was no campfire he was closing in on, but rather a glowing sphere. When a door resembling a camera lens appeared at the center, he entered it, shortly after which he noticed his flashlight was no longer with him. There were several apparent human beings inside, all of whom turned to stare at him and engage with him telepathically. He recalls them warning him that if humans failed to protect the planet from pollution, we would self-destruct, after which he exited the globe and returned to his friends, bearing matches – which he never mentioned being given – but no flashlight – which, you’ll recall, seemed to have mysteriously vanished from his hands.

To make matters more perplexing, his friends had been able to see him in the distance the entire time, and they had apparently observed him speaking to individuals around what they presumed to be a campfire before heading back.

Most perplexing at all, however, was that upon his return, they didn’t believe he was Caesar. Despite insisting he was Caesar, wearing the same clothes, and bearing features that resembled Caesar, he looked to be roughly 40 years of age. Once Caesar managed to convince his friends – the others had by this time awakened – that he was who he said he was, they decided to march back down to the campfire to demand to know what the bloody hell they had done to him. As they approached the light, however, it changed from orange to a brilliant violet, rose off the ground, and shot away at an insane speed, prompting them all to jointly yell out, “It’s a flying saucer!” Once arriving at the site, they found a circular indentation in the sand and spotted the lost flashlight nearby.

Caesar, who was now somehow about 40, predictably had issues initially getting his family to accept who he was and in the process of adapting to life of being a middle aged guy in every conceivable way.

Now, can I confirm either story? No, but they at least illustrate that temporal anomalies have been reported in conjunction with UFO encounters. This has been confirmed by Lou Elizondo, former director of AATIP, in a 2021 interview by GQ magazine, which Masters also quoted in his aforementioned book, to be an aspect of military encounters with UFOs as well:

“And then you might get somebody who gets really close and says, ‘You know, Lue, it’s really bizarre. It felt like I was there for only five minutes, but when I looked at my watch 30 minutes went by, but I only used five minutes’ worth of fuel. How is that possible?’ Well, there’s a reason for that, we believe, and it probably has to do with warping of spacetime. And the closer you get to one of these vehicles, the more you may begin to experience spacetime relative to the vehicle and the environment.”

Valdes only got close to the object, after all, and Caesar got inside it, so as far as these two cases go, Elizondo’s comment here seems to make some sense.

If the field generated by the craft can generate or manipulate gravity, it can manipulate space as well as time. Its ability to manipulate space, as I said before, is clear regarding its maneuvers. As for its capacity to manipulate time, this was exemplified in the case provided by Masters, Mr. X’s most recent episode of Beyond Creepy, and confirmed by Elizondo to be a common element in military accounts as well. It seems to me that all these cases, perhaps even the account of Cesear as provided by Mr. X, might have been unintentional side effects of individuals getting too close to the field generated by the craft.

In that light, it would also seem reasonable to assume that the entities could use their technology to deliberately focus this field in an intentional, directed way as well – perhaps at least helping to explain the phenomenon of the time-freeze, as I explore in Aliens Abductions & the Selective Time-Freeze.

Physical Encounters With Mantis Aliens, Part II: Urban Encounters.

Physical encounters with humanoid Mantis beings don’t only occur in the wilderness, however, but also take place in more urban settings such as the yard, the home, and even the bedroom, and they not only echo the patterns found in the wilderness encounters but build upon them.

While my own, relatively recent experience may constitute such an encounter, the fact of the matter is that I have yet to have a conscious recollection of seeing a Mantis face-to-face. Consequently, that encounter and the earlier ones, though only strongly implied to me, don’t justify more than a mere brief mention here. I do know two people, however – two people, I should add, who do not know one another – who have both explained to me privately that they’ve had direct encounters with them. And for what it’s worth, I don’t for a second doubt the sincerity of either of them.

One was a fascinating, higher classmate from high school who I wish I would have had the courage to get to know better, whom I’ll call Ted, though I only learned of his experience through social media nearly a decade and a half after I had graduated. He told me this in the wake of my September 9, 2011 incident, specifically after I posted on social media something vague regarding it. I don’t recall how much detail Ted provided publically, but I messaged him to glean more detail, and the experience he was gracious enough to describe to me was most interesting. It was a profound experience, he said, and he remembered it as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. Evidently, at some point in 1999, he awoke to find a 7-foot-tall Mantis being in a hooded robe holding him down as it made a sound akin to “someone running a finger down the teeth of a comb.” This is a fairly good description of the “clicking” sound described by others.

After some research, he came across similar accounts, which led him to believe it had indeed happened. Ted considered me fortunate for having had so many experiences with the aliens, though I sincerely believed he had lifelong experiences himself but was merely unable to recall them. He added that he believes that one day there will be a “mass awakening.” Though I don’t think I asked for elaboration, I certainly wish now more than ever I would have.

Just another item on an absurdly long list of regrets in my life.

The other individual is a close friend I first met when he was a coworker many years ago, and here I’ll call him Moe, as I have elsewhere. He has been sharing his strange experiences with me over the years. He began having experiences with an extremely tall and slender mantis entity in his house that seemed associated with a sort of “leaf-crunching” or “hissing” noise in July of 2016. Perhaps his most profound encounter, which I documented but to my utter fucking frustration I have been unable to find, dealt with him seeing the Mantis in his house, though it was cloaked in a manner akin, as he described it, to the alien in the movie The Predator. Much like Ted, he then began research and found disturbing associations between his encounters and those of others.

For all I know, they may have both explored many of the very anecdotes I’ve been exploring and will continue to explore now.

After the Hackettstown Mantis encounters he had previously posted (and which I detailed previously), Lon Strickler received some Mantis encounter accounts directly. These were not encounters in the woodlands, but as with the case of my two friends, occurred within the home. One such story was a bedroom encounter that could have either involved invisibility, as we’ve previously heard, or involved the phenomenon of lost or “missing time,” an experience common in UFO and alien encounters, and which seems to imply amnesia, perhaps induced through the aforementioned telepathic hypnosis.

Regardless, in April of 2016, a 65-year-old woman wrote Strickler to share an incident that occurred to her in late October or early November of 1993, when she lived in a two-story house in Seattle, Washington. She and her husband had been asleep beside one another in bed when, at around two in the morning, she had rolled over, bringing the open bedroom doorway, lit by the hallway light, clearly into view – where she saw a tall, robed figure standing. Sitting up in bed and grabbing her husband’s arm, she screamed that there was something in the doorway, and he shot up out of bed, grabbing the baseball bat he kept next to the headboard, ready to defend her, but as soon as she had screamed, she said, the figure was “gone, just gone.”

Afterward, she was understandably hysterical. After calming her down, he checked the house but found it secure and devoid of intruders. While apologetic to her husband for waking him like she had, she knew she had seen something and found it difficult to sleep, fearing the figure might return. Feeling as though she was losing her mind, she phoned her doctor and described the incident to him in tears, and the explanation he offered, at least as she explained it, sounded as if he was suggesting it was stress-induced sleep paralysis. He gave her a prescription and recommended she try and put it out of her mind, but she confessed that she never could.

Months later, she sat down and tried to let herself remember what she’d seen in clarity that night and draw it as best as she could. While some details jumped out at her, others were strangely vague, but the resulting drawing was disturbing enough that she immediately delivered it to the trash can. What she described having seen, and having subsequently drawn, however, was a robed humanoid with an insect-like head, enormous eyes, and only the vaguest impression of two slits where a nose would be. She had no recollection of a mouth.

“I remember in detail two nub-like things on its head,” she wrote, but only the vaguest sense of antennae sprouting out of them. It had similarly insect-like arms coming out of the slits on the side of the robe, which she recalled clearly enough, and while she recalled it having hands, she was unable to recall what they looked like or what they were doing. Given the vague nature of some aspects of what she recalled, she tried to convince herself that it wasn’t real, but it nonetheless continued to plague her, and she remains convinced she did indeed see something in the doorway that night.

In 2016 she read Strickler’s book, Cryptid Encounters, and found that others have described such Mantis beings, a creature she had never heard of. Reading these accounts, she confessed, “sent a volt of electricity through my body like an adrenaline rush and I got butterflies in my stomach. Everyone knows about Greys thanks to the movies – never seen one – never want to — but if other people had seen the big insect thing, maybe there really was something in my doorway that night. If other people have seen this thing, maybe they will feel better if they know I saw it too, even if only for a few seconds.”

There was a somewhat similar case provided to MUFON on August 15, 2014, which occurred on May 31, 2012, where an individual from Grande Prairie, Alberta, Canada, also had a disturbing bedroom experience. The individual awoke amid sleep and felt an intense, painful tingling sensation that traveled down and back up his body, from his head down to his feet, though he was ultimately capable of screaming and sitting up in bed. Upon doing so, he saw an eight to nine-foot-tall entity resembling a Gray alien that had backward “legs like a grasshopper” in his bedroom, who was “walking towards my bedroom patio door but stopped and looked at me” as if he was in a hurry, “like I did something wrong“ and “almost like he was angry” or frustrated that he had been seen. He was able to calculate its height because he knew the height of the television above his fireplace. Then, as he explained it, the creature was “just gone and I snapped up again in bed sweating and heart raising.” He adds “I’m positive it was not a dream.”

In this last encounter, we again sense that the Mantis being wasn’t the least bit happy it had been seen, a familiar feature also present in many Wilderness cases. In these last two stories, however, the same issue is raised. Thanks to a variety of cases, it’s clear that these Mantis beings can both cloak themselves as well as induce a sort of amnesia, the last of which is a consistent element in abduction cases. In the two cases above, it’s difficult to determine whether the Mantis beings in question utilized their cloaking abilities or whether they induced amnesia, resulting in the experience of missing time. Other reported experiences aren’t at all ambiguous, however, as factors are present that allow them to note the temporal gap.

One such case was a bedroom encounter provided on the Phantoms and Monsters website and entitled, “Tall ‘Mantis’ Guardian Angels?” It derived from a comment on one of the videos posted my one of my favorite YouTube channels, the aforementioned Beyond Creepy, and while the specific video is not referenced, the comment came from one Win Nys.

The experience occurred in July of 2013 in central Pennsylvania, where Nys, who had been injured, emphasized that she was neither drinking nor on any medication but merely “resting, trying to heal” in her bedroom. While she doesn’t describe how the experience came about save for that “they came through the air and walls”, she reportedly found four beings in her room that she described in a general way as “tall white angels that look like bugs.” More specifically, she described them as being roughly “8 to 9.5 feet tall,” though she didn’t know their “exact height because they had to duck” to avoid hitting the ceiling. They were “extremely skinny but muscular” with off-white skin and “extremely large, protruding black eyes which wrapped around the head.” She felt an overwhelming sense of “love and compassion” from them, she wrote, akin to how a parent might feel toward their child. One of them telepathically communicated to her, as she conveyed it, in this way:

“Don’t be scared. Don’t be scared. She can see us. She can see us. Don’t be scared.”

“It was telling me this in my brain,” she wrote. “I was looking (and listening) at them around my room. The whole experience only lasted a few minutes before I blacked out.”

Upon telling her mother of the experience the following morning, her mother said that she had prayed for guardian angels to be around her, and this apparently served as confirmation to her that these Mantis beings were indeed angels. When she told her husband, he warned her not to speak of it again, lest they commit her to an asylum. When she eventually told a friend of hers in confidence she learned of a girl in her town who had been committed to a hospital because she had seen aliens, and so in fear had stopped speaking about the experience for years.

She recently began searching for similar stories online, however, but it had been difficult for her to find “stories about tall bug-like entities,” she said. “And, yeah, they are telepathic. They were as real as the glass of water I was holding. Never seen a UFO and I have never been abducted. Never a believer until that night.”

While she insists she’s never been abducted, I suspect her experience of having “blacked out” strongly indicates otherwise.

Another missing time episode involving a Mantis was posted on Reddit on January 3, 2021, by a woman who only identified herself as HC, and her account was entitled “6 Ft Tall ‘Mantis’ Entity Encountered Outside of Fillmore, NY Home”. The experience described had occurred in Fillmore, New York, just before midnight on June 22, 2018, while she was in the shed to find some privacy, to escape from the children and dogs in the house and to use the WiFI through her phone. As she describes it:

“While I was watching from inside the shed I noticed something an hour after I was in there. I heard [the sound of] movement[,] of something shuffling in the tall grass. I thought it was a deer until my cat started growling and staring at the shed door. When I scanned the tree line and bushes with my big LED light I thought I saw a head pop up into the dark. I pretended I didn’t see it and spotted my light to the left and heard it quickly get closer. I flashed the light back fast and it was very close, now about 30 feet in front of me. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever but I know it was probably only 20 seconds or so. I was so scared I couldn’t move. Also[,] it didn’t move as I watched it.

I noticed its limbs and features while we stared at each other. It was greenish-grey with very big mantis eyes. The skin was smooth and had broad shoulders, but as you followed down it got skinny. The eyebrow ridge stuck out with a wide head with an upward slant. Its eyes reflected green. There were light green flecks that shown yellow and orange from my light. It was over 6 [feet] tall.

I suddenly got the feeling that it was going to grab me, so I slammed the shed door and turned and ran to my house. When I got in I told my husband about what I had seen, I noticed that a whole hour [passed] by it was now a few minutes after 1 AM. I know I didn’t look at this thing for an hour. My husband came out with me with his gun but it was gone.

I was really scared after that. I will not be out at night anymore. I always feel like I’m being watched. I started to look into UFOs and abductions. I had never read up on this before my experience and now believe I was abducted, but have no memory of it.”

Another tale of missing time is provided by Strickler and comes from “CMB,” a 42-year-old woman who described an incident that occurred in either 1976 or the following year, when she was three or four and lived in Mr. Hicums Trailer Park in Greenville, South Carolina. And the incident, she emphasizes, has been confirmed by her mother.

And for the record, this might be the most disturbing physical encounter I have yet to document here.

She was the youngest of her parent’s three children, and when she was three or four years of age, she had been playing either tag or hide-and-seek outside one warm, sunny day with her two older brothers. As she bolted around the back of the trailer to hide, she almost ran into a creature standing next to their propane tank that she simply could not, at the time, comprehend. She stood there frozen, feeling as if the breath had been taken out of her. At the time, she said, she thought it was a giant insect – more specifically, perhaps in retrospect, she described it as resembling a humanoid praying mantis that was taller than her father. In any case, she stood there staring at this creature as it stared back at her until suddenly, all was a blank.

The next thing she remembered, she came running into their trailer screaming about a burning pain between her legs, and her mother was so concerned that she pulled down her underwear and shorts, but upon inspection found that nothing seemed to be wrong. She then cried herself to sleep.

Since then, the incident has always hung with her, haunting her from the back of her mind. After the incident, she mentions having developed a fear of monsters and suffering from a great deal of nightmares, though none of it seemed directly related to what she recalled having seen. Eerily, in this context she also references the fact that she had never been able to give birth naturally, and has always had to have C-sections, strongly implying that she feels at some level that this fact may be related to her experience.

As she grew older she had always reasoned that perhaps there had been a gas leak in the trailer, which makes little sense to me, as she had had this experience outside. A few years before her letter, however, she had caught wind of a UFO sighting reported by the Highland, Illinois police department – an area to which her family had moved when she was seven, before moving back to South Carolina when she was ten. This inspired her to tell her husband about her Mantis experience, and though they both laughed about it, she nonetheless insisted to him that it did indeed happen. The conversation suddenly inspired her curiosity to such a degree that she did a Google search for “praying mantis aliens,” and the results, she explained – and in particular, the images – felt like a punch to the fucking gut. It was exactly what she remembered having seen as a child. Her husband was shocked as well. In retrospect, she seems understandably concerned about the gap in memory she had between her eye contact with the mantis creature and her subsequent sprint into the trailer.

As in previous accounts, here we find that CMB’s experience involves a sudden experiential shift upon meeting the eyes of the Mantis being, though in this case, it wasn’t invisibility, but clearly involved amnesia, producing the experience of missing time.

To reinforce the notion that these Mantis beings display both the ability to cloak themselves as well as induce amnesia, there are incidents in which both abilities are blatantly displayed within the context of the same narrative.

One such tale comes from Dan, who grew up in the Medford area of New Jersey but lived in Missouri at the time of the letter. At the time of the experience he wrote Strickler to provide, however, it was around 1971 or the following year, when he was two years old and his family had moved into the third-story of the Top of the Hill apartments in Feasterville, Pennsylvania. He recalls having been on the sidewalk outside of the building one night, uncertain as to how he had gotten there, though certainly not of his own volition. Three Manits beings stood beside him, though he wasn’t afraid at all, but rather felt comfort that he was among friends. He recalls having been asked a question, though cannot for the life of him recall what it was. While he knows more took place, as the memories he recalled were segmented, all he remembers is watching them disappear as he “felt a warm assurance of friendship.”

The next thing he remembered, his mother rushed out of the door of the apartment building in a panic and picked him up. This memory, he said, always stood out, and it always puzzled him why. When he recently read the encounter Strickler published in the post, “The Musconetcong River ‘Mantis Man’,” he said, he “was shocked to find accounts of an exact description of what I saw as a small child.”

Dan’s encounter was distinct from the first two encounters I described of the Muscenetcong Mantis Man, as he was neither bearing the “whatever” attitude nor traumatized by the experience, but the extreme opposite trauma – he felt comfort, friendship, and warmth. While Dan’s experience described the “cloaking” ability described in the first encounter with the Muscenetcong Mantis Man, his tale also includes the element of lost or “missing time” described by Nys, HC, and CMB.

While all previous individual accounts that I’ve stumbled across who’ve had encounters with these Mantis beings report a single encounter, this is not always the case. Between August and September 2003, the website UFO*BC began communicating with one Jim G, a self-employed professional sound engineer who lived in a small town on the outskirts of London. While he claimed to have had strange experiences throughout his life, such as UFO encounters and OBEs, it was his most recent experiences, which began in April of 2001, that finally inspired him to reach out – and which have the most relevance here. Some of these encounters involved other types of entities, but it is the Mantis encounters that will be focused on here.

He awoke at roughly 2:30 one morning that April to find himself paralyzed with two strange beings beside his bed. One was a seven-foot-tall mantis being with a pointed head, large eyes, and long forearms that moved in a jerking fashion, and who had to bend its neck to avoid hitting the ceiling (much as reported by Nys). The other, shorter being was closer, crouching by his bed, and had black, leathery, reflective skin. It wore a hooded cloak, and beneath that armor that included a metallic breastplate. In retrospect, he seemed to remember that they had been doing something with his legs but could remember little detail concerning that. Thinking that he must still be in the grips of some strange and vivid dream, he closed his eyes, but upon opening them again, the figures remained.

Jim deduced that the Mantis was the one in charge as the smaller one turned to the mantis as if seeking instruction. In response, the Mantis turned back to him and made – you guessed it – “a series of high-pitched clicking sounds.” The Mantis then bent its upper body so that it was positioned over where Jim lay on his bed and, from a long, needle-like object held in his hand, shot a green, laser-like light directly into his right eye, which allowed him to see the veins in his eye. It was painful and, though he attempted to scream, nothing came out. Closing his eyes, he then felt something being jabbed into his skull. In a panic, his mind racing, he heard a “whooshing sound.”

The next time he opened his eyes, they were gone, but he remained shaken and was unable to sleep. He spent the next day in bed feeling, as he put it as if he had just undergone a major operation. That day he did manage to do an internet search on “mantis-type aliens,” though nothing came up, which in turn helped him convince himself that it was indeed just a fucked up dream. Far later he came across a drawing on alley.com by artist J. Westwood which depicted a mantis being holding a needle-like object. He panicked, as this was exactly what he had seen. On the same site, he also found a drawing by Sylvia Rayner which she dubbed the dark entity, and it was the spitting image of the shorter, cloaked being.

Ever since that incident, he outlined what had become a typical scenario for him which tended to happen roughly twice a week, though there were often troughs of inactivity that might last for perhaps a month. At night, just as he was about to slip into sleep, he would begin hearing that Mantis clicking inside of his head. Within a few minutes, he would again hear the clicking, but now it was coming from inside his bedroom, and he came to recognize this as a sign that within about ten minutes he would be fast asleep. Through his heavy eyelids, he would see a red glow on his far wall and tall, shadowy figures moving out of the light and approaching him. Despite his best efforts, he would soon be out like a light. The following morning he would wake up feeling just as he did following the original incident, and in addition would often find himself covered in bruises, on at least one occasion in the shape of a large hand.

His next encounter with a Mantis being, which he believed to be the same one he encountered in his initial encounter, occurred on December 18, as he was spending the night in the spare bedroom of his brother’s house. He suddenly found himself immobilized and acutely awake with the clicking sound in his head, and in response, he screamed and cussed, though none of it was expressed verbally. Managing to look towards the bottom of the bed, he saw the Mantis, and at the sight of it felt “waves of fear” washing over him, the terror “completely overwhelming.”

Unlike the previous occasion, he was able to study it in detail. Wearing what he described as a long and dark robe, the Mantis was over seven feet tall, bony, and vaguely humanoid in appearance with skin that “was liquidly looking, like oil shimmering in the sun.” It had a triangular-shaped, gray-black head reminiscent of a skull with round, bulbous, black eyes. The head was attached to the body by a long, black, snake-like neck.

“The arms were extremely long with multiple joints extending out in a messiah pose,” he wrote, with its “forearms … bent forward longer than the rest of the arm.”

It then ran in a “jerky and fast” manner, making “a clunking sound” as it did so, and exited directly through the wall of the bedroom, leaving “a strange red glow” on the wall in the wake, and a door on the same wall rattled at high volume, apparently prompting the neighbor – adjacent to the wall – to call out in annoyance.”

While Jim G had a vast array of subsequent experiences, they fall into a category that exceeds the limitations of the wilderness and urban encounters we’ve thus far explored, though such experiences are certainly implied in many of the “blackouts,” “amnesia,” or “missing time” aspects of the formerly described urban experiences.

In other words, this involves experiences that fall into the category popularly referred to as alien abduction, which is our final category of Mantis encounters in the realm of the physical.

Physical Encounters With Mantis Aliens, Part I: Wilderness Encounters.

Humanoid mantis beings – also variously referred to as Insectoids, Insectalins, Mantis aliens, Mantis entities, Mantids, and I feel confident other names I have yet to come across – have been described in a variety of physical and non-physical contexts. In general, these creatures have been described as looking remarkably akin to our earthly praying mantises in various respects, though also occasionally described as giant grasshoppers or ants as well, or as merely insect-like. If you look online or scour the available alien abduction or cryptid literature, you’ll see a great many individuals providing their summary of the appearance and abilities of Mantis entities. While some of it is interesting, particularly when it comes to researchers who have amassed a large number of first-hand encounters, I can’t help but consider such things suspect.

I want to see the source material for myself. I want to see the bulk of actual, first-hand eyewitnesses, where they describe the appearance and capabilities of these entities. So I went on a deep dive far down the rabbit hole and tried to put the puzzle pieces together for myself. And here is where I share what I’ve found so far to anyone who happens to give a ragged rat’s ass.

Of course, in so doing I feel it’s only fair that I provide just why I happen to give a ragged rat’s ass.

Since as far back as I can recall I’ve had strange experiences that would fall within the categories of what others have referred to as synchronicity, telepathy, astral projection, past live memories, and encounters with the dead but not gone. Central to all of this, however, has been a life replete with experiences that others have referred to as UFO sightings and encounters, and encounters and abductions by the occupants of UFOs.

The fact that any one of these experiences alone and by themselves would likely exceed the boggle threshold of the typical human being (whatever that constitutes) hasn’t escaped me; that all of these things would have happened to a single, hopelessly lost and irreversibly weird soul such as myself would certainly lead them to the conclusion that I’m bat-shit crazy, I assure you, has certainly not escaped me, either. In any case, for whatever reason, these things have indeed occurred to me, and continue to occur to me. I’m left with only what I am, to go with what I’ve got, and to continue to seek the ever-elusive truth in any way that I can.

Aside from telepathy, which seems to bridge both, the two recurring experiences I’ve had throughout my life, which have been largely compartmentalized in any clearly-defined sense but which I have always intuitively felt had to have something to do with one another despite a total lack of evidence (if only because they were both so weird and happening to the same person, being me) were my astral projection experiences and my alien encounters.

While these two categories of weird experiences often seemed to occur around the same time as one another, there was no other apparent relation between them. My UFO sightings or encounters and my alien encounters and apparent abductions had no apparent direct relation to my astral projections, in other words. During my astral projections, I had never encountered an alien being, though at one point, even during my initial astral projections, I even attempted to summon them into that space, nor did I consciously recall any instance where an alien triggered an out-of-body experience of any sort. In short, there was no clear connection between these two weird categories of experience.

Until September of 2001.

As I’ve written of elsewhere, I went to bed around ten in the morning on the 29th, and at some point afterward, I felt those familiar out-of-body sensations:

“As I rested on my bed, the familiar paralysis crept up on me, the volume knob on my senses seemed to turn down to zero, and I felt my subtle body drifting from the confines of my skin and sinking down into the otherworldly black void. Struggling to reattach to my body, I focused on a “whirring” noise I could hear as if from underwater, using it as the auditory equivalent as a rope by means of which I could pull myself back together, quite literally as it seemed. Once I met with success, I lifted my head, looked around, listened and discovered that the whirring had been coming from my computer, which I had left on in the midst of writing an article. I then went to sleep.

Around quarter to eight that evening is when I next awoke. I found that my computer was reading an error on the screen and my keyboard wasn’t responding. I rebooted it but had to unplug the keyboard and plug it back in to get it working again.

Heading downstairs, the quiet house suggested my mother and sisters were still out. I found my father asleep on the sofa chair, out cold, a strange movie on television. When he woke up as I came down the steps, I asked him if for any reason him or my mother had come in my room and fiddled with my computer as I was sleeping. It was a dumb question, and it didn’t surprise me when he told me they had not. The electricity had clearly not gone off, either.

Pouring myself a mug of coffee, I then put on my shoes in the mud room to go outside for a cigarette. As I began to open the front door of the house, I saw the red globe of light shimmering as it hovered just slightly above the front lawn and began to silently rise. Shaking myself free of shock, I aggressively yelled for my father, urging him to book it the short distance to the door.

The globe rose, crossed the driveway onto the other side of the yard and then ascended above the power lines and trees to the far right side of the property close to the horse barn. As my father arrived at the door frame, it had dimmed and was ducking behind some trees before it seemed to shrink or move out into the distance, glow turning an opaque milky red that then dissipated until it was entirely gone. He seemed perplexed by it, at first wondering aloud if it had been a flare, then asking if I wanted to check it out.

We hopped in his truck and drove to a nearby dirt road where it seemed to have been headed, but I was not even looking towards the sky. I knew it was gone. Soon we turned back around, and on the way back he tells me how strange it was that I had stepped out the front door at just the right moment to see it. He adds that it reminded him of the fireball my mother had talked about seeing in the sky while she was on the highway a few years back.

My mind was elsewhere. The important part of the red light sighting for me was that it established a connection I had for long suspected but had never had any real reason to believe: that the alien stuff was somehow related to the OBE stuff.”

That was the last suggestion of any connection between my astral projections and my alien encounters and abductions for almost 22 years.

Until September of 2023.

On the 14th, I had a particular form of out-of-body experience that I began having on March 2, 2021, and came to refer to as “serial OBEs.” I would awaken in an immobilized physical body, feel my subtle body drift upward, and then violently snap back into my physical body. This would happen again and again, over and over, and all the while I would have the distinct sense that someone was watching, intensely observing this as it all played out. This had never happened, not since these experiences began spontaneously happening back in May of 1995. More disturbing was the pattern that played out after the experience:

“For one thing, after I’d finally awakened into my physical body, I didn’t write the experience down. This was something that I noted at the time as being unusual, as this has been standard practice of mine for three decades. It was also strange that, despite my lack of immediate documentation, I remembered it at all. It was even stranger that once I awoke in the physical reality, I didn’t immediately roll over and go to sleep. To the contrary, I remembered remaining awake and in bed, eyes open, which is something I haven’t done since I was a kid. […] Yet that evening, after the first set of serial OBEs, I distinctly recalled having remained awake in bed, eyes open, staring high up on the wall to my left – in the area between the window beside my bed and the wall separating my bedroom from my living room. I watched as the rising sun bled through the curtains, casting shadows across my bedroom, all as I just stared and marinated in terror.

This profound terror, I felt certain, had not stemmed from the serial OBEs. Instead, it seemed somehow associated with the physical plane — specifically someone, I later felt, who had been in my room, and was likely the source of the presence I’d also felt when out of body. I’d just remained staring at the area where he’d been after his departure. Whatever had happened, whoever it had been, it brought back fears of living alone – I remember that specifically – which in turn frustrated me, as I was determined not to live with anyone ever again. I also felt what I later described as a ‘fear of fear’ – a fear of remembering something that would inspire intense terror, no matter how much I desired to recollect it.”

On September 14, 2023, specifically, there was an additional element. Rather than seeing a nocturnal red light hovering above my parent’s lawn, however, it was something that implied a more direct link between aliens and these astral projections:

“After laying back down in bed, it happened several times in succession. I’d blast into awareness, feel a head rush, hear the sound of blood rushing into my ears, making that muffled sound like I had been submerged underwater, and I would realize my body was paralyzed and I could move my subtle body to some degree. I couldn’t see, all was black, but merely felt the sense of touch and movement. I kept fearing that I was dying and didn’t want this to be permanent, and that fear drove me out of it a few times. Each time I was out of it, the process would happen all over again.

Four distinct episodes happened during this experience, though I’m not sure of the sequence. One of the first two I’ve written below came first, however.

At one point, after my focus came to the immobilization of my body, I sensed a presence nearby, so called out with my mind telepathically, ‘Who’s there?’ While there was no verbal response, I immediately received a tinted visual still image that slowly faded out of the black background of my mental space, and it certainly felt as if it had come from outside me. It was a Mantis-type Gray alien. Shortly thereafter, I snapped out of it and the process started over.”

However utterly irrational it may seem to others, I have come to sincerely believe that this Mantis entity has been visiting me since at least as early as March 2, 2021, though I now feel strong suggestions that this entity, or those like him, have been involved with me since my early childhood. For that reason, I decided to explore the personal encounters others have had with such Mantis entities. I went on a deep dive. I went as far down the rabbit hole as I could manage, and here is where I begin to share what I’ve amassed.

Encounters with these creatures have been reported in what I will categorize, for convenience – and however potentially arbitrarily – as Physical Encounters With Mantis Aliens and Encounters With Mantis Aliens in Altered States. At present, I will focus on physical encounters, which I will subcategorize into three types: Wilderness Encounters, Urban Encounters, and Abduction Experiences.

First and foremost are Wilderness Encounters which I will define as those random, apparently chance encounters an individual has had with such a being in an area outside the home, typically in a forested area.

I initially came across such stories through Beyond Creepy, a YouTube channel I would highly recommend to anyone interested in UFO and paranormal tales, especially obscure ones bearing a particularly high strangeness. This YouTuber, who prefers to be referred to as Mr. Black, seems to have acquired the bulk of these Mantis tales through Fortean researcher Lon Strickler, who has published countless books and also began a blog in 2005 entitled Phantoms & Monsters. It was only recently that I began taking notes and quotes from Mr. Black’s relevant videos, however, which in turn led me to Strickler’s website to see what other cases he might have collected. What I found there was quite illuminating.

The initial post I came across on Strickler’s site was dated July 26, 2011, though whether this was the date of the report or the date of the incident is still unclear to me. In any case, the unnamed eyewitness described the incident as having occurred five years prior while he was fly fishing with his boss on the east bank of the Musconetcong River in Hackettstown, New Jersey. It was mid-afternoon, the sky was “white and heavy,” and while there had been heavy rains for several days, he described the river that day as smooth, though with an incredibly strong current. Both he and his boss were in the water, with his boss about fifty yards behind him. He was chest high in the river, leaning back, digging his heels into the gravel beneath, when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye to his left.

On this side of the river, he explained, there was a sloping bank perhaps ten feet high with a strip of trees between 10 to 20 yards thick, beyond which there were fields, though there was an occasional, roughly 20-yard gap in the trees that provided unobstructed access to the river. When he looked towards the source of movement, it was in one of these gaps, and what he saw, for what he calculated amounted to “only a couple of seconds,” was a creature some 15 to 20 yards away and several feet above him, its figure cast against the aforementioned “white and heavy” sky.

What he caught first was a strong left thigh and calf that, while reminding him of a grasshopper, was bent forward like a human. He then saw the creature in full, which he described as a tall humanoid, somewhere between six and a half and seven feet tall with a “gangly, nobby” body. While he remains uncertain as to the nature of its hands or feet, he insists its arms were typical and not akin to the literal praying mantis forelegs that earn the earthly insect its name. Its head was triangular with huge, black, slanted eyes that reminded him of a praying mantis, and he spotted it as it was moving away from the river and up the bank, presumably away from him, as it looked over its shoulder at him – and at this moment, they locked eyes.

Upon their mutual gaze, his immediate sense that the creature was astonished, and though he remains uncertain why, he suspects that the fact that he had not only been able to see the creature but had not reacted in fear may have had something to do with it. He emphasizes that he has always had paranormal experiences and has come to shrug them off, and feels that his “whatever” kind of attitude may have played a role in its reaction, and so in the creature’s reaction. At the same time, however, he is swift to insist that this was a physical, biological creature, not some apparition. In any case, he said the Mantis quickly faded into transparency. It “disappeared into thin air,” as he put it, mid-stride. He feels it had a cloaking ability and he “caught it” at just the right moment, as it found itself against a new background and was adjusting.

He also adds that he muttered not a word about this to his boss, and honestly, I can’t blame the guy.

What makes this tale more intriguing to me is that he wasn’t alone in encountering a Mantis entity in this general location. To the contrary, Strickler came across a post on the Hackettstown Life online forum describing yet another sighting of such a creature along the Musconetcong River. Though it was a second-hand story, he began corresponding with the individual who posted it and I feel it bears mentioning.

As the story goes, the poster was far into a conversation he had been having with his friend, a successful businessman, when the guy began tearing up. He confessed to having had an incredibly frightening experience roughly two years prior and explained that he hadn’t been the same since. Around dusk, he and his brother were fishing at Stephen’s State Park, and as his brother was fishing about 50 yards downstream, he suddenly felt a vibration in his right ear, and so naturally turned his head in that direction. As he did, he saw a 6-to-7-foot-tall black-and-gray-colored humanoid resembling a praying mantis. He saw the creature for perhaps three seconds, he claimed, though it frightened him so bad he wet his pants and subsequently sat down in the water so his brother would be none the wiser. After this original confession, however much the poster struggled with accepting the story, he knew his friend wasn’t lying. They then both Googled “Praying Mantis Man on Muscenetcong” only to discover that he was not alone.

Despite the similarity in their activities at the time, their locations, and the general description of the Mantis creature they witnessed, I find it interesting how their reaction to their individual experiences differed in such an extreme manner: the first, utterly fearless; the other, not only so terrified he pissed himself but was traumatized by the sighting for long thereafter.

Another Mantis encounter took place in yet another forested area, though not a river, and not in New Jersey. I believe this was the first Mantis encounter I heard of on Beyond Creepy which I believe he got from Strickler, who in any case posted it on his site, though the story originally derived from the radio show Coast to Coast AM on its September 29, 2016 broadcast. It was delivered by a caller who only identified himself as “Ricky” from San Diego, California.

As the caller explained it, his sister had taken him, a friend, and others deep into the Sequoia National Forest around 2014, and while initially everyone was having a great time, things ultimately took a turn towards the undeniably strange. Around nine in the evening, as the rest retreated to their tents to get some shut-eye, he and his friend decided to stay up and gaze at the bonfire. At some point he decided he wanted to listen to some music, so he went to his sister’s 4Runner and opened up the back door to grab his iPOD, and as he did so he heard a sound that suggested to him that something had fallen out of one of the nearby trees. It hit the ground with a loud thumping sound – and it hit the ground so hard, he said, that he could feel it. “I had a flashlight on me,” he said, and:

“I looked over at the tree I heard the fall from and I swear on my life – and I swear to God; honest to God – I saw a 6-to-7-foot-tall praying mantis. And as I laid eyes on it, I completely lost breath. I was completely taken aback. It took a step back and it became completely invisible. I could not believe what I saw.

I slammed the door and I ran back to the campfire. I alerted my friend. I woke everyone up and no one would believe me. I was really upset because I knew what I’d seen. So that happened and my friend didn’t believe me. He was laughing at me and then all of a sudden I could hear all these things surrounding us. And finally, when I brought it to my friend’s attention, he kinda put his ear to it and he heard it too. Finally, I was patrolling the campground with my flashlight and I could just hear these things surrounding us and I heard, like this clicking sound, it was like… It was really strange. I was so scared.”

All three of the above reports occurred in rural areas, with the first two in the same area, and with the first and the last both describing the apparent abilities of these Mantis beings to cloak themselves. In the first case, this seemed to occur in tandem with eye contact, and it may be the case with the last as well, though it isn’t entirely clear. This last case also added that the creature made a clicking noise, however – but, much as with the “astonishment” of the Mantis in the first case, this is by no means the only case to report this.

Another report, for instance, comes from the newsletter UFO Roundup, Volume 9, Number 32, published on August 11, 2004. It involves an experience reported by an eyewitness, A.T., who explained how he and his girlfriend were lying on the grass in Kay Rodgers Park in Fort Smith, Arkansas, on August 4th of that year, at around ten in the evening when they saw two humanoid beings walk out of the bushes about ten feet away from them. The creatures were roughly seven feet tall, he said, though the one on the left was a few inches shorter than the other.

“They wore grey or off-white tunic-style outfits,” he explained. “They had shiny bronze or gold medallions on the center of their chest or shoulder.” They had “mantis-like heads” that bore eyes that would change from “blood red to neon green” and “made strange clicking noises.” The couple and the two creatures gazed at one another for five to six minutes before “they disappeared into a white light.”

Again, the clicking. Again, the capacity to seemingly vanish upon eye-gazing – though in this case “into a white light.”

Other wilderness sightings of the Mantis beings come through another YouTube channel, What Lurks Beneath, specifically a video entitled “It Preyed Upon Me – 2 Scary Stories of Insectoids,” which I must confess I initially had profound doubts would provide any useful information. It seemed like one of those YouTube channels that serve only to provide creepy stories for entertainment purposes and remain loose on the facts. While the first story lacks satisfying detail, it bears mentioning, and the final story certainly seems interesting.

The first story was provided by a fifty-year-old fighting cancer who asked that their name and gender not be revealed, but who for the sake of convenience I’ll refer to in the feminine. She had purchased 20 acres in the Ozarks in the early 1990s and came to believe a “small family of Sasquatch” lived on the property. While she permitted close friends and family to hunt whitetail deer on the property, when they did so they were required to leave something such as a basket of fruit and chocolate. The Sasquatch always took the basket, she claimed, sometimes leaving a bundle of sticks or nuts in its place. Then, around August or September of 2018, everything changed. She no longer had wild boar destroying the property, the elk disappeared, successful deer hunts became a rarity, and the baskets were left untouched. The reason, she says, is “something in the woods” that she has seen during the daytime “that I cannot explain. It looked and moved like a six-foot praying mantis and made this clicking screech as it followed me to the woods.” She adds that “it was big, fast, loud, and it was not afraid of me. It was definitely stalking me” but she “didn’t see it or hear it after I got in my truck. I just sat there, paralyzed. I couldn’t move.” Even her pets were petrified. “My dogs were barking, snarling, whining obviously terrified,” she explained, adding, “I’m gonna sell my property. I’m not going back into the woods.”

Despite her frustrating lack of description regarding the actual incident, she writes:

“I see it almost every night of my dreams. I always go back looking for it, like it’s calling me to it, beckoning me closer. Sometimes I stumble on it and it’s consuming a fresh-killed deer or a hunter. Sometimes it is waiting for me and lashes out with its stiletto-laden arms, piercing my body before I even have a chance to defend myself, before I even have a chance to scream. And each time I see it, how do I know what it is? It looks exactly like a praying mantis. There’s just something different about its eyes like they see into my soul like no insect ever could. It knows you
fear it. I think it knows how to follow me into my dreams. I’m wondering now if it can track me here to my home in the city through my dreams. I barely sleep anymore at night and every time the dogs bark at night I jump, adrenaline racing through my heart. I need to add this even though it may cause some doubt to my story even more.”

So again, we have an encounter with a being that looked liked a Mantis and made a clicking sound, though this time described as a “clicking screech.” She also mentioned being “stalked” by the creature. We might also add the element of presumed telepathy here, as she felt that its eyes could see into her soul, and felt that it could follow her into her dreams as well.

The next tale was an account by someone who identified himself as Daniel. He described himself as someone who, though he was no hunter or adept outdoorsman, loved being in nature, taking in the beauty, and enjoyed exploring the forest, particularly the swamps of northern Florida, into which he’d been venturing for years. Then, during the pandemic, he began letting himself “kind of get lost in the swamps, to not just escape but escape reality, escape the world that we live in to find myself in a place of so much beauty.” Unfortunately, that’s when he began having experiences that left him with the feeling that he was being stalked by something that even he admits is more far-fetched than the notion of Bigfoot, which he’s not even sure he believes in.

“It all started when I began hearing this weird clicking noise. Sometimes it would appear as if it was directly behind me, then other times it would sound like it was all around me, top to bottom. Degrees. Like some sort of swarm of insects that I couldn’t swat away. It was very bizarre. The noise would just kind of come and go and sometimes would change in volume and even pitch. Over time, it began to make me more and more uncomfortable. I soon realized I wasn’t just hallucinating or having some sort of vision, I was experiencing a noise that was surrounding me that I couldn’t identify, I couldn’t pinpoint it to any specific animal…”

Then, about thirty to forty feet away and directly in front of him, he saw large, bulbous eyes, very close together, that “kind of emanated a bright yellow glow. And that’s when I was able to see the silhouette” of the “large, insect head” to which the eyes were attached. While he couldn’t see the body, which “was standing in the bog and the brush,” it seemed larger than himself, and “as I looked at it and as it looked into me the clicking sound grew louder and louder” and he was suddenly overcome with the fear that if he remained there any longer, he would perish, so be hightailed it back home.

He further explained that this had happened just a few weeks before writing his letter, which he was shaking in the process of writing, and he was writing all of it down mostly to process the experience and was uncertain who he could send it to who wouldn’t simply label it as crazy. He had sent it to this YouTube guy and a few others, however, “out of desperation” in the hopes that someone could provide him some information regarding what he saw.

And so we again have the clicking, the eye contact, an the glowing eyes – not “blood red” or “neon green” in this case, however, but yellow. As with the previous case, there is also the fact that the Mantis appeared to be stalking the individual.

While the seven encounters above may leave one assuming these beings are intelligent creatures native to the earth and merely as of yet unacknowledged by the scientific community, they are without question also associated with the UFO phenomenon.

To provide a recent case of such an encounter, we’ll now turn to an incident that occurred on Thursday, July 16, 2020, in Warwickshire, United Kingdom. At about five that morning, Paul Froggatt was riding his bicycle home after working a 12-hour shift when he suddenly saw what he described as “a glowing orange sphere just hovering on the horizon” and wondered if it might be a satellite, or perhaps Venus, though he ultimately concluded that the object seemed too close for either to serve as a suitable explanation. After some time, he stopped to take some photos of the object with his phone, adding in retrospect that it seemed larger than the photos depicted. In any case, as he continued watching, the object began to rotate. As he went on to explain:

“I could see it was circular with a part sticking out from the main body. When this started I got the chills down my back and felt like there was something wrong here, I hurried on my way home. As I kept cycling I could swear the object was moving along my course but I just told myself it must be some kind of optical illusion. I entered a wooded area and lost sight of the object through the trees. Usually at this time of morning there is a chorus of bird song and insects but the woods were dead silent.”

This is a common experience during UFO encounters, it should be mentioned, that is often referred to as The Oz Effect. It is as if time has not just slowed, but entirely stopped. As if the whole of the universe, from inception to expiration, were but a roll of film, and you are suddenly stuck in a single frame – yet paradoxically able to move around as you otherwise would. In such instances you often quickly realize you are not the only free agent in this temporal amber, however, just as Froggatt did:

“As I cycled down the path I came around a bend I saw something I will never forget. Standing a few meters ahead is what I can only describe as a humanoid praying mantis. This thing was at-least 7 foot tall, light green with triangular head and big oval black eyes. It had all the features of a mantis but stood on two legs and had a somehow human like shape about it. I was completely frozen with fear. For what felt like an age, but was probably only seconds, I stared into this creature’s eyes and it stared back. I felt like it could read my mind and I could read its. My fear was replaced with completely alien thoughts of utter hatred and evil I felt projected from this thing. I suddenly snapped out of this hypnotic kind of state and it made a step back as if it was gonna pounce on me.”

As I can find no article that references the conclusion to the encounter, I must assume that he tore ass home, just as I would have. In any case, yet again we have a humanoid Mantis-like entity roughly seven feet tall who engaged in prolonged mutual eye-gazing with the witness that left the witness feeling as if telepathy was occurring.

There are still other UFO encounters associated with such Mantis beings, and while this final account makes mention of a Mantis entity only peripherally, which is to say second hand, I feel that it is important to include nonetheless. As recently reported in “Messengers,” the first episode of the 2023 Netflix docuseries, Encounters, there was a UFO flap over Stephenville and Dublin Texas in January of 2008, one which I had passionately followed in the news at the time. Concerning eyewitnesses of the event, the docuseries focused on Steve Allen and Lee Roy Gaitan, the Constable of Erath County, both of whom witnessed the UFO on January 8, along with over 300 other eyewitnesses.

Allen first saw the UFO while around a campfire, bullshitting with some friends of his, and he equates what he saw to a religious experience. Two seconds after it disappeared, they all witnessed two F16s come flying by, and shortly thereafter he talked to the press – and subsequently was contacted by the military:

“A military Colonel called me one afternoon at my house and talked to me about an hour and forty-five minutes. Says, ‘We’ve had a lot of discussion about you and what to do with you,’ he said. ‘You’re kind of a high-profile guy. If you was to just happen to come up missing it would kind of look suspicious’…'”

Along with his young son, Gaitan saw lights in the sky outside his house, which then departed at an insane speed. A minute or two later, like Allen, he also saw jets appear, traveling in the same direction as the UFO.

Neither of their accounts or any accounts in the general area of Stephenville, for that matter, struck me as hard and with as much depth as the account of Ricky Sorrells, however – even when I initially began following the story when it broke in the papers and news stations back in 2008. He was one of the first to come forward with his UFO experience, and the sincerity and simplicity inherent in his character made the truthfulness of his account undeniable to me. Sorrells’ encounter took place in December of 2007, however, which is to say a month before the 2008 flap.

He had gone out to hunt deer on his property, dressed in the appropriate camouflage and bearing his gun. At some point, however, he got tangled in some briars, and with his head down, as he made efforts to get untangled, he suddenly realized that everything had gone dark – as if a stormcloud were looming above him. As a consequence, as he freed himself from the briars and was in the process of stepping forward, he instinctively looked up, at which time he saw the object hovering about 300 feet above him. While he raised his gun, he thought it best not to shoot, though he still stood under the object for roughly three minutes, studying it with his naked eye and often studying it through his scope as well.

He explained the object in detail through interviews as well as in William J. Birnes’ book Aliens in America: A UFO Hunter’s Guide to Extraterrestrial Hotspots Across the U.S. While he couldn’t see the edges of the object through the canopy of trees nor see passed it, he explained it as being akin to a smooth, perhaps three-football-fields-wide sheet of iron, barn gray in color with a dull, matte-like finish. There were no bolts, rivets, or seams. There were circular indentations beneath the object – each of which went perhaps four to six feet deep, cone-like in that they were bigger at the bottom and smaller at the top – that were placed about forty feet apart. It made no sound as it hovered, and made no sound and produced no wind as it took off. To his surprise, it didn’t pivot skyward and take off as an airplane would, either, but rather remained flat as it departed at a 45-degree angle – and with such an insane speed that if he had blinked, he said, he would have thought it had simply vanished. After that, he hightailed it back to the house.

Sorrells, it should be noted, was not featured in the Netflix series, however, and there may be damned good reasons for that. On Larry King, he openly confessed that he believed he’d been harassed since his encounter by what he assumed to be the military, who had flown helicopters above his property in a grid pattern. Someone claiming to be a Lieutenant Colonel had called him on the phone, he said, and requested an interview with him, which he refused, after which they had a rather heated discussion. In the midst of it, Sorrells asked him to stop flying helicopters over his airspace, upon which the guy claimed that it wasn’t Sorrells’ airspace, but his. Eventually, he said that if Sorrells quieted down he’d stop his helicopter bullshit, and Sorrells had remained quiet – until the Larry King interview, that is – and the activity above his property had indeed ceased.

Angelia Joiner, a reporter for the Stephenville Empire-Tribune, had also said on Larry King that she thought Sorrells might have been singled out because he had a detailed, daytime sighting.

There may have been another reason, however, as mentioned by both Gaiten and Allen in the Netflix series – something that, despite my interest in the flap, I had never heard before. Gaitan said one day Sorrells came to him in tears, alleging that someone was harassing him.

“Suddenly, Ricky stops talking to everybody,” he says, ominously adding, “I think Ricky saw a lot more than what the rest of us saw.”

Allen also asserts that Sorrells was “being intimidated,” as he put it, and he added details that Gaitan had not.

“Ricky has said he saw some sort of ‘something’ inside the aircraft, and it resembles some sort of insect,” he said, “or maybe even a praying mantis.”

Bootleg Memories: On the Nature and Structure of Soul-Recycling.

I. OF DOPS & CHILDREN OF CORT.

The late Dr. Ian Stevenson, MD, was a biochemist, professor of psychiatry, and ultimately the head of the Division of Perceptual Studies (DOPS) at the University of Virginia School of Medicine. There he spent some forty years investigating roughly three thousand cases of children who appeared to remember former lives, which he called Cases of the Reincarnation Type (CORT). This led to his publication of several books on the subject, all of which were geared toward the scientific community. Tom Schroeder’s book Old Souls, in which the author accompanies Stevenson on some trips to investigate these children, finally brought his studies to the attention of the public. He died in 2007 at 88 years of age, though the intriguing work he began has thankfully continued.

Child psychiatrist Dr. Jim Tucker, MD, worked with Stevenson for some time until taking over his role as director of DOPS upon Stevenson’s retirement in 2002. While he continues Stevenson’s efforts to sway the scientific community into taking the subject seriously, he is certainly more geared toward introducing the subject to the general public and exploring more cases based in the US. Tucker has spoken about the research in print and media and published an overview of the research in his 2005 book, Life Before Life. He subsequently published Return to Life in 2013 and another, in 2021, entitled Before: Children’s Memories of Previous Lives, which combined both books.

Throughout Stevenson’s investigations, his attitude and strategies remained as scientific and methodical as could be possible given the subject matter. Unlike most of those you hear about who explore apparent past life memories, for instance, he didn’t rely on regression hypnosis — a big plus, since many psychologists and the like scoff at hypnosis as an accurate means of retrieving memory, even when confined to a single lifetime. Instead, he interviewed young children from India, Burma, Thailand, West Africa, Turkey, Lebanon, Syria, and North America, all of whom spontaneously recalled past lives. He also interviewed their birth families and the families they insisted they formerly belonged to, sought out autopsy reports to confirm the mode of death, and utilized psychological tests and questionnaires. In his analysis of the cases, he sought out conventional explanations such as fraud, fantasy, cryptomnesia, and paramnesia. Having eliminated these possibilities, he would then consider various paranormal processes. Eliminating all else, there was reincarnation, which he concluded was the best explanation for the majority of the studied cases.

A common objection was that most of the cultures in which cases were found have some sort of belief in reincarnation, but the cases Stevenson has accumulated don’t seem to align with the cultural beliefs prevalent in the cultures in question. On the contrary, many cases seem to run into direct opposition as to what the religion believes in regard to the who, what, when, where, and why of life, death, and rebirth. I found this pattern continued throughout the two seasons of a television show called The Ghost Inside My Child, unassociated with DOPS, in which the parents of young children from the US claimed to have lived former lives, and even the period between lives, often the despite growing up in the context of various forms of Christianity.

With respect to DOPS, requirements for a case to be considered strong evidence for the existence of reincarnation involve the subject’s statements correctly corresponding to events in the life of only one deceased person (which they call the “previous personality,” and which for entirely immature reasons I refuse to abbreviate). They also seek out cases in which the two families had no previous knowledge of one another or the subjects’ statements were recorded before verification. Families will often be inspired or driven by a child to find the family of a previous personality before investigators get to them, but when that is not the case, the investigators investigate cases within a few weeks or months of their development. Aside from studying individual cases, they also subject groups of cases to analysis, which allows them to compare cases within a culture as well as cross-culturally.

Tucker has continued this effort as well. In his aforementioned book, Life Before Life, he gives results from their as-yet-unfinished computerized database, which had less than half of the case files they studied at the time of its writing. For instance, from this we know that the median age of death reported in CORT is 28, the median distance between the place of death and the place of rebirth is 14 kilometers, and the median interval between death and rebirth of the subject is sixteen months.

In other words, most of them died young, more than half the time violently, and neither waited too long nor traveled too far before completing what we might describe as the cosmic recycling process of consciousness. While some may interpret this to mean that the factors of dying a violent death and dying young are what compelled their reincarnation, as they had more life to live or had unfinished business to attend to, it could just as easily be the case that we all experience reincarnation and that these factors, particularly the emotional intensity of the memories regarding their violent death, merely made those in CORT more apt than most to recall aspects of their past lives.

II. AN AUTOPSY OF EXOSOMATIC MEMORIES.

What CORT suggests, if nothing else, is that memory is not dependent on the body; as a consequence, these cases suggest what we might call exosomatic memories. While the DOPS does not categorize them as such, it seems to me that the evidence of reincarnation amassed in their studies falls into three general categories of long-term memory: explicit memory, implicit memory, and what we might call, if only for lack of a better term, morphological memory.

Explicit memory, often referred to as declarative memory, deals with the conscious recollection of events and the data gleaned from and so associated with those events. It is subcategorized into episodic memory, or the memory of sensory events, and semantic memory, or the memory of the associated knowledge.

Typically in CORT, explicit memories are the first to arrive, or at the very least the first to be identified by others. Globally, the children in these cases often first begin speaking about events of their former lives as soon as they develop the capacity to speak, which is to say between two and five years of age, with the average standing at 35 months. Some children seem to retain these memories regardless as to their state of mind, whereas others only seem capable of doing so when in a relaxed, trancelike state, with amnesia often setting in once they snap out of it, and quite abruptly in some cases.

These bootleg, episodic memories typically include their death and the events surrounding it, and this may first surface in recurring nightmares. As mastery of the native language grows, the kid will continue to spill details of people, places, and events associated with the previous personality, though now they tend to become more elaborate. Sometimes they recall the life of a member of the family or friend of the family, but in other cases, an absolute stranger, and details that the child reports are subsequently verified once the individual’s family, friends, death certificate, autopsy reports, and other information are located. In many cases, the children’s stories are found to match the life of the deceased individual they claim to be with incredible accuracy, and far before being introduced to the family of the dead. They also recognize people, places, and objects that were familiar to the previous personality. While some of these children manage to hold onto their memories longer, perhaps all the way to adulthood, the memories most often begin fading around five years of age, vanishing altogether by the age of eight. They tend to stop speaking about past lives at an average of 72 months.

Semantic memory often manifests as information provided by the subject about their former life, though this is not typically data ultimately stemming from a single episodic memory. Though rare, there are also instances in which these children have displayed xenoglossy, or the ability to speak in a language they should not know – a form of semantic memory.

Around the time they begin speaking about their past lives, strange behaviors are also noted in the child – behaviors that don’t seem to make sense in the context of the present or past conditions of their present life, though it all makes perfect sense when placed in the context of the previous life that the child claims to have had. These are what are known as implicit memories –  a kind of memory you don’t consciously recall but rather unconsciously and automatically enact or experience. Think of the mannerisms and expressions we use, the body postures we hold, the way we handle our voice, how we respond to specific stimuli, what phobias or philias we have, and all of our talents and passions: all of that is bound up in what is known as implicit memory.

In about a third of the cases the subjects in early childhood exhibit phobias or aversions which almost always directly correspond to the way in which the previous personality died. These phobias may be related to the instrument that killed them, the mode of death, or the site at which they claim to have died. Those who drowned will fear being immersed in water. Those who were shot to death will fear guns and loud noises akin to a gunshot. The kind of phobias, in other words, that are not difficult to imagine given the circumstances surrounding their death.

The subject may also exhibit the polar opposite of phobias, however – what Stevenson called philias, but which could also be referred to as fetishes, obsessions, fixations, attachments, or addictions stemming from a previous life. They may, for instance, display homesickness and an apparent inability to let go of their previous lifestyles and circumstances, demanding that they be taken to their “real” home and to their “real” parents, husbands, wives, mistresses, or children. They may beg to be taken to their “real home,” attempt to run away to do it themselves, or even accuse their present parents of kidnapping them. They may have cravings for alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs that the previous personality had been addicted to. They may be attracted to certain clothes, music, or foods related to their previous incarnation. In at least one case, there is allegedly also a suggestion that even their handwriting style may carry over. Children will also often act out their previous occupations, reenact death scenes, and even seek vengeance upon their killers.

They may also exhibit “sexual precocity,” specifically towards romantic or sexual partners of the previous personality. Those born into a body that is the opposite sex of their previous incarnation, Stevenson says, almost always develop gender dysphoria, where they cross-dress or behave like the opposite sex. This may fade over time; if not, he said, the personality becomes homosexual – and though he did not mention it, I feel that it would explain those who are legitimately transgender even better. Sometimes the reborn insist that their names be changed to the names they had in their former life — or, for those who switched biological sex in their present incarnation, they will prefer the other-sex forms of their previous names.

Most astounding of all, perhaps, is that the children may also display strange talents carried over from their previous incarnation. In an interview with Omni, Stevenson commented on how it was relatively easy to explain away the talents of, for instance:

“.. such composers as Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven, all of whose fathers were fine musicians. But what about George Frederic Handel? His family had no discernible interest in music; his father even sternly discouraged it. Or take the cases of Elizabeth Fry, the prison reformer, and Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing. Both had to fight for their chosen callings from childhood onward. One can find endless examples that are difficult to explain given our current theories. But if one accepts the possibility of reincarnation, one can entertain the idea that these children are demonstrating strong likes, dislikes, skills, and even genius that are the logical results of previous experiences. I have found some children with skills that seem to be carried over from a previous life.”

Lastly, there is what I call morphological memory, which deals with the form and appearance of the body, which serves as a reference point and structure for all other forms of memory: when we recall explicit memories, specifically episodic memories, we necessarily experience it through the body as it was at the time; when we enact implicit memory, specifically procedural memory, it certainly involves the body as it was at the time.

Morphological memory manifests in CORT in two major areas.

The first arises out of the fact that sometimes the physical appearance of the subject roughly corresponds to the physical appearance of the previous personality, particularly with respect to facial architecture. The idea seems to be most passionately pursued by one Walter Semkiw, MD, though his research doesn’t seem to be very grounded in my eyes. More convincing is the specific case of one Jeffrey J. Keene, an Assistant Fire Chief who lives in Westport, Connecticut. He has come to believe he’s the reincarnation of John B. Gordon, who was a Confederate General of the Army of Northern Virginia during the American Civil War. Though Keene was not investigated by Ian Stevenson, as with many of Stevenson’s cases Keene and Gordon share physical marks that correspond to one another. Namely, there are six places on Keene’s body where he has either cluster veins, scars, or other markings that correspond to the wounds that Gordon suffered during the Civil War. More important, however, is the incredible likeness between the two in terms of physical appearance.

While Stevenson didn’t focus on this aspect of his cases, he has noted it. When he did follow-up studies years later on some of the children he had previously interviewed, what he found was that they had grown to bear a striking similarity to the physical appearances of the adults they claim to have been in a former life.

One aspect of morphological memory that he did focus on, however, are birthmarks and deformities of his subjects that were found to correspond with wounds and mutilations, in both appearance and location, of the body of the previous personality. In order to confirm this correlation between wounds and birthmarks or deformities, he often has to rely on the memories of surviving friends or relatives regarding the exact locations of the wounds, though in many other cases, he’s been able to get a hold of autopsy and medical records.

Though birthmarks are quite common, he focuses on those that bear an “elevated nevus” – a three-dimensional area that is either depressed, elevated, or puckered – and not merely the typical discoloration. He claims that they are indistinguishable from the scars of healed wounds. Some such birthmarks he’s studied have been found to correspond to bullet wounds (entry and exit, which is just weird) or stab wounds that were the cause of the death of the former body. Sometimes it’s more than a birthmark, though: it’s a deformity. He spoke of children with deformed limbs or even missing toes or fingers who claimed to remember being murdered in a past life, and that the killer had removed these toes or fingers in the process.

These birthmarks and deformities don’t always relate to the mode of death, however. He also has cases in which they correspond to injuries or marks from surgeries that happened at some point close to the time of death. There was, for instance, the case of a boy who lost his fingers in a machine accident, died of an unrelated illness the following year, and was born without those fingers on his right hand. Even more curious are cases that Tucker refers to as “experimental birthmarks.”  As is a practice apparently common in some Asian countries, a person will mark a dying body in hopes that it will show up on the body the individual takes on in the proceeding incarnation. A family member or close friend will make a mark on a dead or dying person with ash, paste, or something similar, believing that when the person is reborn in another body — within the same family, it is usually suspected — that person will bear the same mark in the form of a birthmark and so be identifiable as the previous individual.

Even more amazing are the allegedly profound psychological as well as physical healings that take place in some of these cases. While, as formerly mentioned, DOPS doesn’t deal with past life memories recalled under hypnosis, many such cases in which an individual underwent hypnosis to face apparently past life traumas have cured them of debilitating phobias and other psychological ailments. It doesn’t stop at merely psychological ailments, either.

Take, for instance, the case of Edward Austrian, son of Patricia and Donald Austrian. He had a fear of rain — particularly ”dark, gray, drizzly, damp days,” his mother said — from the time he was about one year of age. He also had chronic throat problems, which he referred to as ”my shot.” Eventually, this throat problem was revealed to be a large, noticeable cyst in his throat, and the doctors decided to remove his tonsils as the first step in surgery. After the surgery at age four, Ed confessed to his parents that he had been an 18-year-old soldier named James during the First World War. He explained in detail how he had made his way through the mud in the rain and cold, how he held his heavy rifle, how he saw a field of trees, and, beyond that, deathly desolation. And he explained then how he had heard a shot ring out behind him, and how the bullet had evidently gone through someone else and then hit him in the back of the neck, after which he felt his throat fill up with blood. After he had broken the ice and could talk about the matter freely with his parents, his fear of rain vanished, as did the cyst — to the amazement of his doctor, Steven Levine, as well as Ed’s own father, who was a doctor as well.

While Stevenson has remarked that these past life memories have benefited the children who have recalled them very little, according to his own investigations, and in his eyes often quite to the contrary, the case of Edward Austrian would seem to suggest otherwise. The implication, in this case, is that if an individual can recall their previous lives, accept them, work through the trauma, and confess the experience to trusted and suitably compassionate individuals, it can not only be psychologically transformative to such individuals but perhaps even inspire physical healing,

III. ON THE NATURE OF THE PSYCHOSPORE.

In the midst of his research into CORT, Stevenson realized that if these cases did indeed constitute evidence of reincarnation, then some nonphysical medium must necessarily exist that was capable of carrying what I call the explicit, implicit, and morphological memories of an individual from one life to the next, and for this reason he gave birth to the notion of a psychospore.

In the field of astral projections, OBEs, Apparitions of the Living, and NDEs, this “psychospore” goes under other names, among them the subtle body, which I’ve personally adopted, if only out of convenience. Some of those who report OBEs, particularly when they have the experience frequently, describe the subtle body as existing both in and around the physical body, roughly corresponding to what many clairvoyants describe as the aura or energy field they perceive as existing in and around all living beings. An OBE occurs, then, when the subtle body to some degree detaches from the physical body, though even when traveling a long distance it becomes clear from the reports of their experiences that they somehow remain partially attached to the physical body, as noises or other things occurring to the physical body or in its physical surroundings can prematurely end the exosomatic excursion. In this light, NDEs would constitute coming to the very edge of severance before snapping back like elasticity to the physical – and death would then constitute the permanent and complete detachment of the subtle body from the physical body in question.

What the morphological memory aspect of CORT suggests is that a two-way avenue of influence between the subtle body and physical body exists, but that the dynamic changes over the course of corporeal existence. The older one gets, in other words, the more the physical body has an influence on the subtle body, whereas, in youth, the physical body seems more sensitive to the influence of the subtle body – to the point that the subtle form serves as a sort of template or blueprint for physical development. I can only assume the reason resides in the fact that the subtle body is incredibly sensitive and responsive to consciousness and that the older one gets, the more one tends to identify with the physical body they inhabit. There seems no other way to explain the likenesses between the facial architecture of an individual and who they recall having been in a previous life, or how death wounds and mutilations, surgeries, and “experimental birthmarks” can carry over as birthmarks and deformities in the new body. In addition, it also helps explains ghost encounters, apparitions of the living, and even the reports of some of those who experience OBEs.

When in their subtle bodies, I’ve personally noted that OBErs describe taking on one of three forms that correspond to how living individuals having encounters with ghosts describe their appearance. I call these three forms the Orb, the Mass, and the Apparition.

The Orb is when the exosomatic individual experiences their “body” as merely a point of awareness, sometimes one that can see in all directions simultaneously. In ghost encounters, this involves coming into contact with what is described as a transparent or glowing orb or sphere of light. Many intriguing videos and photographs have been captured of such Orbs, though others are clearly dust particles.

The Mass is when the exosomatic individual experiences his body as an ambiguous, fluid form and is seen by external observers as an amorphous blob, clump, or stream of fluid smoke.

Lastly, they can manifest as an Apparition, which is to say in a humanoid form, and while from the perspective of the exosomatic individual, it would seem that it’s all the same, from the perspective of observers, this clearly comes in degrees. At one extreme it can take the form of a three-dimensional shadow, but it can also take on the physical characteristics the person has or had during life, complete with clothing, and can appear as a partial apparition, manifesting just part of the body, or a complete, full-body apparition. It may be transparent or it may take on a solidified appearance as if a truly physical individual were standing before you, and in some bizarre cases seeming physical contact apparently indistinguishable from actual physical contact can even take place between the apparition and a living, embodied individual.

It is in the case of apparitions that some rare nay-sayers tend to have a field day in mocking such experiences. I have heard some point out that ghosts not only appear as they did during life but also wear clothes – a fact usually referenced in the context of an attempt to discredit such experiences. Never have I heard it pointed out that, from the perspective of OBErs, there is also the matter of their sense perception being just as it would be if they were experiencing the world through the sense organs of the physical, human body, even when they are not in Apparitional form.

What these two observations – and in fact, all three forms of the exosomatic, be they biologically living or dead – seem to imply is that the subtle body or “psychospore” is sensitive and as a result responsive to consciousness. The Orb represents the exosomatic individual in a highly-focused, active state, and the Mass the exosomatic individual in a state more akin to relaxed free-association and mental wandering. The state of the Apparition, however, would first imply some background, namely that during physical life the subtle body gets conditioned by its experiences in and through the physical body – and secondly, it would imply that the aforementioned conditioning has been so redundant and intense (as one would suspect) that even during an OBE (be one biologically alive or dead) that the subtle body often tends to default to that conditioned form, complete with its trappings, particularly when attempting to make contact with physical surroundings or embodied individuals. This would help explain why when complete apparitions appear they appear as they commonly did during life (repetition) and/or as they did at the time of death (emotional intensity), often manifesting the wounds given to them through the death experience as well. This may also influence one’s desire to reincarnate into a similar (which is to say human) form, but it also seems to affect the development of one’s specific physical appearance once reincarnated.

III. LAPPING FROM THE RIVER LETHE.

Accepting both the subtle body and reincarnation as a reality, however, leaves many questions in the wake, and serves to give those questions emphasis. Two such questions I’ll explore here both involve memory.

Firstly, why is it that most people don’t have access to explicit memories of their former lives, and even the children that do typically forget those memories as they grow older?

One possibility I find to be likely is that amnesia for previous lives serves as a survival strategy for the individual in the present psychological and social context. For some eleven to fourteen years, after all, the human infant is kept in the “second womb” of the home or tribe, mainly around the mother, to ensure survival, growth, and adaptation to the circumstances in which they were born. Here, the infant is not only nourished with food, water, and protection but provided with intellectual and emotional sustenance and behavioral training that allows the child to acquire the skills necessary for their eventual birth from that second womb. In this light, one could easily imagine that recalling previous existences or even the major portion of one’s present life would serve to hinder more than help, perhaps even constituting a direct threat to proper development. Implicit memory and morphological memory remain, of course, but explicit memories just get in the way, so they get buried in our minds.

To look at it from another angle, it may just be a far broader manifestation of the mechanism in our brains that allow us to screen out other conversations and chatter in a crowded restaurant so as to hone in on the conversation we are having with the person on the opposite side of our own table. In other words, our brains focus on our immediate needs and screen out all that is irrelevant to that end. Amnesia regarding former lives has survival value, so it constitutes a successful adaptation in an evolutionary context.

If that is the case, at least for most people, then the question becomes why some of us remember our previous lives at all.

One possible reason might reside in the fact that in 61% of Stevenson’s case files, the subject remembered a violent death (and a sudden one, of course, as violent deaths are typically unexpected by nature). Finding that the roughly 40% of cases in which the subject died of natural death too vague of a category, in his work 20 Cases of Reincarnation, Stevenson further divided natural deaths into four groups: (1) those who died suddenly, within a day or so of presumed health, (2) those who died young, which is to say under twelve years of age, (3) those who died with unfinished business – a mother dying, leaving children behind; debts to pay off or collect – and, last but not least, (4) those that died and, having been reborn, were intent on “continuing business,” which involves being in a state of ambition at the time of death that then carries over into the subsequent life.

Combinations of these five factors can be found in the majority of Stevenson’s cases. In all cases, be the deaths natural or violent, then, we could say that the individuals died with lives they naturally would consider to be incomplete.

This may also help explain why the past life memories collected by DOPS are predominantly “near-sighted”, which is to say that the children can recall with most clarity things that had happened closest to the time of death. This makes sense if you think about it. During life, we are pretty much the same way in regards to the history of our current lifetime: we remember most clearly events closest to us in a temporal sense or closest to us in an emotional sense. Certainly, such a violent means of expiration is close to the individual in both a temporal and emotional sense, and perhaps, therefore, triumphs over the amnesia that would have otherwise set in.

If this is the case, however, we might wonder why most of those children who do recall their past lives nonetheless fail to recall the interim between their lives – and, of course, why some of us do.

After all, in Steveson’s case files the average space of time between death and rebirth is usually about 15 months, and it’s rarely over three years, so surely something happens in the intervening period. So what happens? It’s not just that I haven’t read of many cases myself, either: in an interview, Stevenson explained how this is typical of many of the cases of reincarnation he researches. The children act as if they were leading the former life one moment and then, all of a sudden, poof, they wake up as a baby without warning. Adults trapped in little bodies.

Take the case of two-year-old Celal Kapan, a young Turkish boy in one of Ian Stevenson’s case files, who, almost as soon as he had mastered the language, asked his parents a peculiar question.

“What am I doing here? I was at the port.”

As he grew older, he would come to detail how he had been a dock worker and how he had fallen asleep one day in the cargo hold of a ship. While asleep, a crane operator, not knowing he had been there, was loading the ship and had dropped a heavy oil drum on him. He couldn’t understand what had happened, as it certainly hadn’t killed him — he wasn’t dead, after all. So how had he all of a sudden come to be here, with this strange family, in this strange body?

One hypothesis compares the interim period to a dream. We may remember a dream immediately upon awakening, but it slowly fades from our grasp the longer we are awake. Even so, we can remember quite clearly what happened the day prior. So it’s quite possible that those like Kapan did indeed have an intermission experience, even if they could not access those memories naturally, as they did when it came to their former life.

Some of us, however, tend to have good dream recall. Similarly, there are a minority of CORT cases, which DOPS has designated as Cases of the Reincarnation Type with memories of the Intermission between lives (CORT-I), where children not only recall their past lives but also recall the period between death and rebirth. This is where we shall turn our attention next.

IV. OF CORPOREAL COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

Jim Tucker and Poonam Sharma explored CORT-I in their paper, unambiguously entitled Cases of the Reincarnation Type with Memories from the Intermission Between Lives. At the time of the paper, of the some 1200 CORT cases which had been fed into their database, 276 qualified as CORT-I, and it was upon this that they based this paper. Tucker later expanded on the subject in his 2005 book, Life Before Life.

The paper was based on a study of 35 Burmese children in the CORT-I category, from which they identified a pattern and subsequently developed what they called a “three-stage temporal scheme” to outline how these intermission experiences tend to unfold. Though they emphasized that this was only preliminary, that not all subjects experienced every stage, that there may be changes in the sequence in some cases, and that “while the specific imagery may be culture-specific” (presumably in reference to experiences in “another realm,” a subject explored below), comparisons suggested that these three stages were applicable not just to the aforementioned Burmese cases, but to cases from all across the world.

While they did not emphasize it in the aforementioned paper, it’s also important to understand that at every stage the subject may also have intermission memories that involve them being in “terrestrial” locations and/or in “another realm,” which summons associations with related areas of paranormal study, particularly reports of out of body experiences (OBEs), ghost encounters, and Near Death Experiences (NDEs).

1. TRANSITIONAL STAGE.

In the first, Transitional Stage, the “discarnate” earn their title and must deal with the struggles inherent in emotionally detaching themselves from the previous lifetime. For some, this may involve the fundamental issue of coming to terms with the fact that one is dead. For others, this may be evident to them early on. They may hang around the body, and even witness their own funeral. Sometimes they hang around the family for a time or remain around the death site. Attempts at contacting loved ones may be made, often (though curiously, not always) attempts that prove futile, or they may find themselves driven away by the grief of their loved ones. Often this stage meets its end when they encounter an elder who guides them to an area that essentially becomes their residence for the length of their stay during the intermission period.

This stage brings to mind Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s concept of DABDA. In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, she describes a five-stage emotional coping process that many people go through in the wake of the death of a loved one or the realization of their own, impending expiration. While every individual is unique and it may not apply to everyone, and while even when they do apply they may not manifest in the linear fashion she proposed, she adopted the acronym DABDA for the stages she defined as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance.

The Transitional Stage of CORT-I seems to deal primarily with overcoming Denial, and though Acceptance may be reached in this stage, it may go no further than Denial until one reaches the Stable Stage – and for some, perhaps, they may never arrive at Acceptance at all.

2. STABLE STAGE.

In the following stage, called the `stable stage’, the discarnate will settle in a particular location that becomes a sort of home or, perhaps more accurately, a temporary residence. This may be a holy temple, the place where one previously lived, the place of death, or — and this is interesting — they may even inhabit a tree. Here, they interact with other discarnates, and these interactions run the gamut. In other words, they may be pleasant, or they may be total assholes.

The reports of “terrestrial” experiences during the intermission seem in many ways to tell the same stories you hear in anecdotes regarding hauntings and encounters with the dead, the difference in this case being, of course, that the anecdotes are related not from the perspective of the haunted, but from the haunting. This leads one to suspect that many cases of enduring haunting may represent discarnate who have never managed to escape the disembodied state, never achieved the “Acceptance” stage of DABDA or the Stable Stage of CORT-I, and in support of this hypothesis the two categories share some intriguing overlap.

Interestingly, though perhaps not coincidentally, the same factors Stevenson identified in the children of CORT and CORT-I cases are said to be present in cases of haunting: their lives were incomplete. When dying too early, we might say, it would seem that individuals are prone to cling to the passions, people, and places that they had been attached to during life, and these attachments compel them to either haunt them like a ghost or quickly reincarnate following their deaths, typically in an area close in proximity to the place in which they died, or even within the family in which they died, and in any case having remembered who they previously were, at least for as long as they are able.

As mentioned earlier, this suggests that to one degree or another, they may be stuck in the initial, “denial” phase of DABADA, unable to accept their own premature deaths and adapt to their current circumstances in a healthy and productive manner. Or they may have moved past Denial, to Anger, where they remain.  It would be interesting to subject these reincarnation cases to analysis and see if they follow the other stages of DABDA and if the final phase, Acceptance, has any relation as to when – or if – they began forgetting their past life memories.

To provide some semblance of hope: if the American cases of CORT and CORT-I displayed in the television series Ghost in My Child are to be believed, at least some of these children can gain a sense of closure and accomplish the final A in DABDA, and then go on with living their present lives.

During this stage, they often interact with other discarnates. They may also have successful communications with the friends and family of one’s previous life. They can communicate through departure dreams, as apparitions, and even through poltergeist phenomena.

To offer another example, Stevenson also writes of Veer Singh, a man who allegedly previously lived a life as a man named Som Dutt. After death as Som Dutt, he reports hanging around the Dutt family, following family members when they left the house in the evening. He was able to reveal details to Stevenson regarding the Dutt family — that children were born, that they bought a camel, that they were involved in a lawsuit — all stuff that had occurred after Som Dutt’s death and before his reincarnation as Veer Singh. Som Dott’s mother claimed that she had a dream that Som tattle-tailed on his brother, who he said he’d been following him as he snuck out of the house at night to attend local fairs. When she confronted her son about this, he admitted to doing so, and that was the first time anyone else in the house knew about it.

3. RETURN STAGE.

Assuming that the discarnate in question is ultimately recycled back into the flesh, they come to experience the third stage, the Return Stage. During this return stage, the discarnate may communicate with their past or future relatives through dreams and might again appear as apparitions or interact with the physical environment through poltergeist activity. And here is where we might hope to find out whether we chose our present life, or at least our present parents, and answer questions regarding our motivations and limitations as well as the process by which we become reborn.

With respect to this final, return stage, there is also the matter of seeming geographical and temporal restraints, specifically with respect to where one died and where they were subsequently reincarnated. One might like to imagine that after death, one has the ability to incarnate anywhere in the world – or even off-world – that one chooses, and at any time, but at least within the cases amassed by the Division of Perceptual Studies, that doesn’t seem to be the case. They almost always seem rather bound, geographically speaking, with respect to where they died – destined to be born within the same country, the same town or village, even, in some cases, in the same family – and within a limited amount of time.

In the aforementioned paper on CORT-I, they do their best to narrow down the distance between the place of death and the place of rebirth. The mean distance for CORT-I is 201 kilometers; the median distance, 20 kilometers. For CORT, the mean distance is 255 kilometers; the median is 14 kilometers. They added, however, that these estimates were skewed by a small number of extremely-long-distance cases.

In addition, there are temporal constraints: the average space of time between death and rebirth is usually about 15 months. I have thus far been unable to find any data that suggests a distinction between CORT and CORT-I in this area.

Within CORT, there is evidence that seems to suggest that there are circumstances or perhaps personality types that do not choose through whom they are born – or perhaps that they did choose their parents, but merely forgot having done so, or even their underlying motivations. After all, some children act as if they were in their last life one minute and had woken up in a child’s body the next (“I was just at the port!”). This, I confess, could be adequately explained by the amnesia regarding the period between lives that plague the bulk of CORT, but these don’t represent the bulk of cases I’ve come across. Very often, children of the CORT are very unhappy with their living conditions, circumstances, and parents, often demanding to be taken back to their family of the previous life or attempting to run away in an effort to return to their former home on their own. These children act as if they had been kidnapped and held prisoner, which makes perfect sense from their perspective – but it does not make it easy for me to believe that these children choose their parents during some forgotten period between death and rebirth. It seems far more likely that reincarnation in these cases was reactionary – an unconscious and automatic process rather than a conscious and deliberate one.

Within both CORT and CORT-I, however, there exists anecdotal evidence that at least in some circumstances, discarnates can choose their parents, and this evidence easily falls into three distinct categories.

First is what Tucker refers to as Predictions. This typically manifests as some elderly individual who declares to loved ones that they plan on reincarnating through a particular woman, and some time after the death of that elderly individual that particular woman has a child that bears explicit, implicit and/or morphological memories that correspond to the life of the aforementioned individual. Tucker maintains that they occur frequently among the lamas of Tibet and in the Tlingit, an Alaskan tribe.

Second, are the intermission memories provided by some children of CORT-I in which they explained the process of choosing their present parents out of their own volition, or perhaps through being unconsciously compelled, or how they were taken to them by guides or are directed by the old man mentioned earlier. A story that illustrates a possible manifestation of this stage is as follows. One rainy day, after hanging around that tree where he was murdered some seven years ago, Chamrat saw the man who would be the father of Bongkuch Promsin. He then followed Mr. Promsin onto a bus and to his home. Mr. Promsin later told Stevenson that shortly before his wife became pregnant, he had indeed gone to visit Hua Tanon, and that day it was indeed raining.
In some cases, they describe having fought to be born through a particular family, or even an individual.

In many American cases, Tucker points out, children talk about being in heaven and choosing their next parents. Some children report having followed them home as they pass by doing their daily activities. They may have memories surrounding the pregnancy, of their experience in the womb, of the actions of the parents during pregnancy, and even have memories of being born. While I was passionately interested in the manner in which they described the process of reincarnating, I didn’t expect that such details would be available, much less provided in the paper. I was pleasantly surprised, as nine of the 35 CORT-I Burmese children did:

“This was most often by transforming into a grain of rice or speck of dust in the water and being ingested by the mother. A few went to considerable lengths, having to try repeatedly when either they were rebuffed by guardian spirits or the water was thrown out as dirty.”

Third is what Stevenson referred to as “Departure Dreams,” which involve the discarnate saying goodbye to their former family and suggesting where they will next be incarnating, as well as the more common “Announcing Dreams,” where they either ask permission or provide a sort of statement of intent to a member of the family they wish to be born into. Of this, Stevenson writes:

“The announcing dreams, especially the petitionary ones, also suggest that a discarnate personality has chosen the family for his next incarnation. In a few announcing dreams one senses even a determination on the part of the discarnate personality for rebirth in a particular family. In one Haida case a deceased person appeared in the dream of a potential mother and grumbled to her about being kept waiting to reincarnate. In chapter 4 I described how Samuel Helander’s mother had a dream in which her brother Pertti (whose life Samuel later remembered) urged her not to have an abortion. A parallel case, that of Rajani Sukla, occurred in a family of India. A daughter of the family was killed in an accident. Later, her mother had a dream in which the daughter seemed to announce her wish to be reborn to her. Rajani’s mother, however, did not wish to have another child and induced an abortion. The deceased child appeared again in a dream and rebuked the mother for not letting her reincarnate. Eventually, the mother consented and gave birth to Rajani, who later remembered the life of her older sister.”

Elsewhere, he adds:

“Announcing dreams have been reported in all of the countries where we find these cases… The dreams vary in their form. Among the Tlingit, the discarnate personality appearing in an announcing dream often conveys symbolically his intention to reincarnate. For example, in the dream he may walk into the house with his suitcase and deposit it in one of the bedrooms; or he may enter the parents’ bedroom and lie down between them. In contrast, announcing dreams among the Burmese often represent the discarnate personality as petitioning to reincarnate in the family chosen. This suggests that the dreamer has the option to refuse such a request.”

In Children Who Remember Previous Lives: A Question of Reincarnation, Stevenson goes on to say:

“Much less frequent than announcing dreams are what I call departure dreams. In a dream of this type, a member of a deceased person’s family — his widow perhaps — dreams that the deceased person indicates the family in which he can be found after his reincarnation.”

While interesting, one might wonder why these relatively rare CORT-I merit anything more than a passing glance, particularly given the fact that typically little evidence can be provided in support of these intermission memories. Similarly, one might wonder why such cases would be so rare, anyway – why would some remember intermission memories, yet others do not? In the aforementioned paper, they explored these questions, and what they found was quite interesting indeed, as it turns out both the aforementioned questions have the same answer.

Though both CORT and CORT-I were found to be similar in all respect save for those characteristic intermission memories, the CORT-I proved to be supported by stronger evidence in four categories, all but one of which correspond to the categories of memory I used earlier to describe the evidence they’ve amassed in CORT. The evidence was stronger with respect to explicit memory, for instance, which is to say children with intermission memories made more statements regarding their alleged former incarnation that were subsequently verified. It was also stronger with respect to their implicit memory, or the behaviors, talents, phobias, and other unconscious and automatic tendencies associated with the previous personality. Even in the arena of morphological memory, in the birthmarks and birth defects that corresponded to the death wounds or other marks or scars on the previous personality’s body both prior to and even after death, there was stronger evidence.

What their comparisons revealed is that the only real difference between CORT and CORT-I cases is that the individuals in CORT-I have exceptionally better memories. As a consequence, CORT-I would seem to not only represent the strongest of the available CORT cases but also depict the most accurate portrayal we have available to us of what life after death is like – or, more accurately, what the interim between lives is like.

Taken as a whole, the structure of samsara seems rather clear: we die, we haunt for a stretch, then we succumb to the impulse to embody matter once again. During that haunting stretch, however, we not only reside as an often invisible and otherwise indetectable resident of the physical realm but have access to another place entirely – and though it may be related to the otherworldly realm we access during corporeal life, which is to say the dreamscape, that doesn’t diminish the implications at all.

V. OF DREAMS & OTHER REALMS.

As previously mentioned, during both NDEs and CORT-I subjects report experiences in two distinct contexts: the physical realm and another, otherworldly realm. In both NDEs and CORT-I, cross-cultural studies have revealed the nature of this otherworldly realm in both cases is clearly culturally influenced. The easy explanation is that discarnates dream just as the living do and this otherworldly realm is, in fact, the dream state we’re already quite familiar with, though clearly of a more lucid quality than that which is typically experienced during corporeal life. This may be due to the fact that the dreams of the discarnate are no longer regulated, influenced, and interrupted by biological functions.

No ears to pick up the irritating sounds of the alarm clock. No full bladder that nags you into waking up to relieve yourself. Perhaps even no NREM or REM stages to structure sleep in a cycle, nor any effects caused by caffeine or other drugs on that cycle.

That discarnates dream is already implied in CORT and CORT-I in what Stevenson has referred to as “arrival dreams” and “departure dreams.” In tandem, the telepathic effects of the dreams of the discarnate are implied as well. In departure dreams, a recently dead individual will contact living loved ones in the dream state indicating through whom they intend to reincarnate, whereas in arrival dreams the parents-to-be will be visited in the dream state with the discarnate announcing their intention to reincarnate as their child-to-be.

Interestingly enough, this type of telepathic dream phenomenon isn’t just known to be a characteristic of the dreams of the dead but has been reported between two or more living individuals as well.

In the field of parapsychology, there are experiments dealing with what are known as Telepathic Dreams in which a sleeping individual (“the receiver”) telepathically picks up on the thoughts, emotions, and experiences of a waking individual (“the sender”) and weaves them into a dream, with the content of the dream in question varying from symbolic on one end to literal on the other. Outside of the context of parapsychological experiments, this has occurred when the so-called “sender” is not, at the very least, deliberately sending, and the so-called “receiver” is not intentionally receiving, however, so it appears that the conscious intent of only one is necessary for this phenomenon to occur – or that it may occur spontaneously, without the conscious intention of either, and in any case making these titles rather arbitrary at best.

Though this isn’t exactly what seems to be happening in arrival and departure dreams (though for all we know it still could be), these dreams described by Stevenson do seem to be indistinguishable from what has been variously referred to as shared dreams, collective dreams, mass dreams, group dreams, reciprocal dreams or, as Linda Lane Magallón calls them in her book of the same name, the experience of Mutual Dreaming. Unlike Telepathic Dreams – and so far as I can discern, this is the only difference – mutual dreams occur when all involved individuals are asleep and dreaming. As a consequence (assuming only two are involved), unless it is borne out of the intent of one without the knowledge of the other, distinguishing the sender from the receiver is difficult if not impossible. For all we know, all involved could be sending and receiving simultaneously.

According to Magallón, mutual dreams come in two main types, Meeting Dreams and Meshing Dreams, both of which have a spectrum of intensity.

Most of the mutual dreams she’s collected come in the form of Meshing Dreams. At the weaker end of the spectrum, they are quite similar to Telepathic Dreams with respect to how the contents of the dreams of both dreamers appear to suffer from telepathic cross-contamination. They share elements, images, or themes, but the individuals involved do not encounter each other in the context of their dreams. At the most intense end of the spectrum, where the “meshing” is complete, while the involved dreamers will still not see each other within the context of the dream, they seem to embody the same point of view in an identical dream environment. Given the similarity with Telepathic Dreams, the natural assumption would be that in the case of two dreamers, for instance, one dreamer is having a personal dream while the other, the receiver, is telepathically picking it up and consequently weaving the telepathic data into the content of their own. In other words, the dream of the receiver will have elements that resonate with the dreaming experience of the target, or even share the dreaming experience of the target, though the target may have no role in the experience at all.

More interesting to me are what Magallón calls Meeting Dreams, which are distinct from Meshing Dreams in that they involve two or more individuals reportedly inhabiting the same dreamscape, but from their own, individual perspectives, just would be the case in the physical realm, and where they appear to one another as they do in physical life. They may even be in different areas of the dreamscape for a time before encountering one another, though at least one of the dreamers sees the other. Far more interestingly, often enough both dreamers see and even interact with one another. This can apparently also occur during false awakenings. She also cites cases in which the individual dreamers may also be in different states of consciousness, which is to say that one dreamer may be at a low level of consciousness while the other is lucid dreaming – which is to say the person is awake within the dream, and may even know they are dreaming.

All of this, taken together, became incredibly intriguing to me for two reasons. First, if the corporeal can share dreams with one another, and the discarnate can share dreams with the corporeal, then it would not be a leap to assume that discarnates can share dreams with other discarnates.

Most curious of all, however, is the fact that these meeting dreams are not limited to merely two individuals. On the contrary, she shares numerous reports of multiple dreamers inhabiting the same dream. This immediately led me down a rabbit hole of speculation, for even if dreams – personal or otherwise – only exist for as long as a dreamer is dreaming it, so long as at least one individual remains in a Meeting Dream it could potentially be sustained. If you take some time and consider this, you begin to imagine how it might be if one could learn to initiate meeting dreams intentionally and then train others across the globe with whom you could share dreams. If you factor in time zones, where the sleeping schedules of members of this global group were to always overlap in such a way that a meeting dream was never unoccupied, one could continue such a mutual dream indefinitely – especially if the network grew and elder members, once they died, remained as nodes in the network.

In essence, one could say that this would be like creating a stable, parallel reality – but then the real question arises: is it only “like” creating a parallel reality, or could it be the case that it is indeed one? Would this network of global mutual dreamers all constitute co-creators in a continuously-reinforced, ever-evolving parallel universe, though operating in accordance with laws that are distinct from our physical universe – which, as a consequence, would perhaps make this shared dream world more accurately described as an “alternate” universe?

To go even further, another question arises: have we done this already, through our religious belief structures? Could it be that when we die, or at least once we know that we’re dead, our expectations govern the collective “meeting dream” we ultimately find ourselves within – particularly so if we are a member of a religion and deeply connected with other followers who share our beliefs regarding what the afterlife is like?

Is this, perhaps, why the otherworldly experiences of many of those undergoing an NDE or CORT-I are so culturally-influenced?

There may be reasons to suspect this is the case. For instance, Tucker wondered why some of the children of CORT-I reported experiences in another realm while others did not, and while he stressed the results were only preliminary, he found suggestions of an answer that may work quite well with my aforementioned speculations. He found that if the previous personality died by natural means, the death was expected, and they meditated during life, they are more likely to remember another realm. The more they meditated, as a matter of fact, the greater the detail in their reports regarding that other realm. Whether these factors make them more likely to experience another realm or merely more likely to remember them cannot be ascertained, of course, but his overall findings are curious in any case.

If someone knows they are dying, they have time to anticipate their demise and – consciously or unconsciously – speculate on what an afterlife might be like. If their expectations have been shaped and ingrained into them by a particular religion and reinforced by those that they’re close to who hold the same beliefs, it would make sense, given what I’ve previously speculated, that they would, by psychological default, join their fellow believers in the discarnate dream-state in a mutual, “meeting dream” that has been fashioned by those collective beliefs. These aspects alone may naturally drive them toward such shared, exosomatic dream worlds, but it seems rather clear to me how the element of meditation might make them more liable to remember their experiences there when (or if) they subsequently reincarnate and are subsequently able to relate such experiences. While meditation has many benefits, the one that has relevance here is self-awareness and living in the moment, and it isn’t a stretch to assume how these qualities would serve to enhance memory — explicit memory most specifically.

VI. INTERSPECIES REINCARNATION.

While most cases amassed by the DOPS  involve humans incarnating into other humans, I was rather surprised to find that lifetimes as animals are also reported in some cases. In Tucker’s 2013 book, Return to Life, he described that while Stevenson was initially inclined to dismiss and even mock cases of alleged previous incarnations as other animals, as they were typically both rare and unverifiable, he eventually opened his mind to them.

In Tucker’s aforementioned book, he provided but one, lone exception to the rule.

This was a case in Thailand investigated by Francis Story, and it dealt with a boy named Dalawong. He claimed he had been a deer in a former life, but was then killed by a hunter, and subsequently incarnated into a python. In that life, he was killed in a particular cave, where he had fought with two dogs, and was finally confronted by the owner of the dogs, one Mr. Hiew, who ultimately killed him. Mr. Hiew subsequently fed the snake meat to several people, among them Dalawong’s father-to-be. In spirit form, he saw his future father and found him to be the kindest of those who were fed the meat of his former body, so he followed him home and entered the body of his mother-to-be.

At three years of age, Dalawong saw Mr. Hiew when he came to a party he was attending with his family and tried to attack him. Dalawong then recounted the story of his own former death, all of which Mr. Hiew allegedly confirmed. Unexpectedly, he then forgave Hiew and, as he got older, began killing snakes himself, though as a sort of mercy-killing, stating that living as a snake was difficult. Some two decades after his interview with Francis Story, he still believed he had lived a life as a python, and continued to go to the cave where he had died every three months to meditate.

Given the desires unique to being human, it makes sense that our natural impulse would be to incarnate again into human form, but that may amount to merely a personal preference. After all, CORT and CORT-I cases suggest that a woman can die and incarnate as a man in the following incarnation, or a man may die and subsequently incarnate into a woman. And while many children of the CORT desire to return to their former family simply because they have been unable to let go of them, and were only forced away from them due to their death, and may even attempt to run away from their current family to their former one in their subsequent incarnation, as we have seen, the motivations of other such children are more shallow: they simply don’t like being born into a poor family, for instance. One could argue that either the individual in question felt at an unconscious level that they needed to experience these circumstances even though the conscious aspect of the personality isn’t quite on board, or that perhaps guides made this decision for them. One gets the sense that they had an intense impulse to return to the flesh, however, and only chose to be born into the families they were born into out of convenience mixed with a sense of desperation. Perhaps the cases of interspecies reincarnation were made for just the same kind of reasons: if not the only available option, it was the best one within reach.

I confess it’s difficult for me to take such accounts seriously, though ultimately, given contemplation, one wonders how, if indeed reincarnation exists, such interspecies reincarnation couldn’t be the rule. Perhaps this is merely due to my default assumptions, however. For all I know, perhaps, despite the capacity to live countless lives in organic bodies, souls are also born and also die, just as their temporary shells do. My personal opinion is that this is not the case, though I, of course, haven’t the slightest suggestion of evidence in support of this working hypothesis. If souls always have been, however, or at the very least cannot die once spawned into existence, this leaves us with some rather interesting questions.

One should consider where souls currently in human flesh found their fleshy homes prior to the evolution of the human species. An easy answer would be earlier forms of life on this planet. Prior to the first organic forms of life, however, where did such souls reside? Were they merely bodiless? Or is the universe perhaps teeming with life, and all souls ultimately migrated from other life-bearing planets?

As dismal as it is, consider that we may ultimately destroy ourselves, perhaps obliterate all life on the planet in the process – and if somehow we don’t and yet fail to establish human colonies off-planet, that in five billion years our star, the sun, will bloat to become a red giant that will obliterate our planet entirely. Is that then the end of reincarnation?  Would we subsequently just be souls without bodies, or would we perhaps be able to migrate to other stars, other stellar systems, and happen upon other life-bearing exoplanets, through whom we could continue our spiritual journey?

Aliens, UFOs and Abnormal Psychology.

Dismissing myself as crazy has been my convenient go-to, a default triggered when my strange experiences and their apparent implications become too overwhelming. When this surreal aspect of my life comes to face the giggle factor, meets the laughter curtain and exceeds my boggle threshold, the barrier beyond which I am no longer able to suspend disbelief, I endure a sort of nausea of the mind so intense that I, for a time, submit to it. Declaring myself crazy by no means makes me feel better — to the contrary, I always feel worse — but condemning myself in this fashion requires less energy than continuing my efforts to actually understand my experiences. The issue is that once I get beyond the emotional devastation of labeling myself crazy and subject this self-diagnosis to analysis I ultimately come to realize it really doesn’t constitute a diagnosis at all. “Crazy” is just a buzzword, dismissive in spirit and entirely devoid of true explanation.

So early on, back in high school, I found myself trying to identify a more specific self-diagnosis by reading through books on psychology, even an Abnormal Psychology college textbook I got from a friend. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or terrified when I found that no single condition I read about seemed to cover the crazy shit that I had been experiencing. No umbrella terms appeared to be available. When I began seeing a psychologist shortly thereafter, and one that I had quickly developed a respect for, I explained how I had tried diagnosing myself and failed, as no disorder seemed to encompass it all. In my memory, he retorted, stating that I was wrong, and when I pressed him he fumbled and mentioned schizophrenia. The fact that he immediately seemed to backpedal when he saw my reaction only made my terror increase. The moment hung with me and I fell back on it when the weirdness weighed me down. At one point I remember finding a page on the net that described traits of the schizophrenic and the schizoid personality that seemed to fit me perfectly.  I scotch taped it to my bedroom door.

In 2002, when I came back to him after an intense cluster of experiences and casually acknowledged in our session that I was fully aware that I was schizophrenic, he immediately asked me, with a skeptical look on his face, who it was that had given me that diagnosis. When I stated that it had been him, he was emphatic that this could not have been the case. After explaining to me that the term schizophrenia was essentially a dumping ground for what may turn out to be various disorders, he took on this proposed diagnosis directly.

“If you’re a schizophrenic,” he told me, “you’re certainly a highly-functioning one.”

I found the notion that I, a twenty-something living at home yet again and working fast food, could be described as “highly functioning” by any measure to be ludicrous, but he was, after all, the goddamned professional. Though he predicted that I had particular abnormalities in certain regions of my brain and called my experiences “perceptual anomalies,” he never gave me a diagnosis.

For a time, specifically after reading Dr. Marlene Steinberg’s book, The Stranger in the Mirror: Dissociation — The Hidden Epidemic, I also explored the notion that I might suffer from a dissociative disorder, perhaps even Dissociative Identity Disorder. Without doubt I experience what has been labeled dissociative symptoms. In addition, my memories and experiences may in part be due to some alternate personality or “alter” and there appears to be evidence of its beginnings in my childhood. My initial rush of memories and the flashbacks that followed might represent a previously compartmentalized sector of my mind, one belonging to this alter, colliding with my conscious personality and merging. My experience with the ideomotor response in my use of the Ouija board, in my spontaneous artwork and writing, as well as during the hypnosis session, all may have represented the alter gaining slow and localized control over my body. The entity I encountered during my “astral projections” might be one manifestation of an alternate personality or alter as well — perhaps after sharing previously isolated memories the separate aspects of mind we have governed over blended further, giving rise to shared lucid dreams I took to be “astral projections.” Maybe the incidents between June and August of 1995, climaxing in the incident at the java juicer, represented transient periods where the alter took control of my body entirely.  

The issue is that this degree of dissociation is typically associated with intense physical and psychological trauma. On the surface, at least, this presents itself to me as an utterly insane proposition. As I imagine is the case with anyone, I have my share of complaints and grievances with respect to how I grew up. My mother favored my sisters over me and I had endless power-struggles with her over the course of my childhood. It hurt and enraged me, and I continue in my attempts to deal with those issues. Even so, I recognize that I was one lucky little asshole. My parents never physically abused us kids. I was certainly never sexually abused. Our harshest punishments as children, which I faced often enough, involved either staring at a corner for a length of time measured by my mother’s oven timer or being under “room arrest,” confined to my bedroom until further notice. Without doubt this nonviolent discipline is what made the abuse I witnessed at Jimmy’s house all the more traumatizing — and indeed, that was all certainly traumatizing from the position of a witness as well, but that it might provide the fuel for alien encounters seemed far more ludicrous to me than the thought that, well, I might have legitimately had alien encounters.

It isn’t just trauma and mental disorders that can allegedly produce these alien encounters, however. People have linked alien abduction experiences with various drugs such as Salvia Divinorum, Ketamine, and psilocybin, but most often DMT. All are classified as psychedelics, I believe, aside from ketamine, which is a dissociative, but unless you’re willing to concede that each of these chemicals constitute different rabbit holes leading to the same parallel universe, all are psychedelic in the true sense of the term, which is to say that they are “mind-revealing.” In other words, these drugs draw back the egoic curtain and let you take a peek beyond the veil of mundane consciousness, bringing you can deal more directly with the more subliminal aspects of the mind — just as psychosis can.

Some believe sleep paralysis alone can produce the abduction experience, which I find ridiculous for several reasons. Even among the popularized abduction cases one can see that bedrooms are not the only place encounters occur and that often enough the people involved are not asleep at the time of the event. They might be fishing or driving, for instance, and be among others who are taken along with them. In addition, I have had sleep paralysis myself and the earliest such experience is the succubus experience mentioned early in the book. Even at the time of the experience I did not interpret it as an alien breaking into my dark room, crawling atop my bed, straddling my immobilized body and proceeding to dry-hump rape me. Instead, I assumed it was a disembodied entity doing something analogous or — more likely, I supposed — this was all a hallucinatory experience brought on by one-part sleep deprivation and one-part prescription medication.

So I have explored the Psychological Hypothesis (PH), which alleges that while it may require activation through trauma, drugs, mental disorders or the peculiar circumstance in which your mind wakes up before your body does, the abduction experience is purely a product of human psychology. There is no external intelligence at work here, only my own. It’s all in my head. A related school of thought I explored posits what I’ll call the Psi Hypothesis (PsiH), and it attempts to compensate for the failure of the PH to account for physical evidence by bringing parapsychology into the fold — specifically, the psi capabilities of the human mind.

My train of thought ultimately ran along this track: if one finds the PH absurd and instead accepts abductions as nuts-and-bolts physical experiences, these physical experiences require you to accept the existence of paranormal phenomena. It is simply a given. After all, a cursory glance at abduction reports should make it clear that telepathy and moving through walls, for instance, is by no means rare in abduction events. To the contrary, paranormal phenomena is pretty fucking standard — and not just during these events, either, but in the wake of them. There is the matter of the “paranormal afterglow” that manifests in my life during these experiences, and while some investigators fail to mention them, personal reports from abductees reveal that I am by no means alone. Others also experience spontaneous telepathic experiences, poltergeist activity, vivid dreams that seem like awakening in a parallel reality, odd coincidences and other strange events.

As this paranormal afterglow runs the full spectrum of psi, stretches on indiscriminately into the gamut of the strange, it seems natural to wonder if the aliens themselves, rather than extraterrestrials, might just be another manifestation. In other words, it could very well still be that the phenomenon is purely psychological at the roots, that it is governed by compartmentalized aspects of my mind that influence me subliminally, that this is truly my conspiracy against myself. Maybe it also branched out into physicality utilizing psi abilities, however: powers which for whatever convenient reason I cannot wield consciously.
This would by necessity be a form of poltergeist. In this view, the phenomenon of poltergeists is explained as a living individual who is experiencing recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis; the psychokinetic activity is the result of subconscious and involuntary acting-out of the focus individual.

For a clearer picture of how this might work we might first turn to a series of parapsychological experiments that have been conducted since 1972. These experiments sought to demonstrate that the display of psi phenomena often attributed to deceased individuals could manifest without them, and so such phenomena were not necessarily evidence for life after death. In the beginning, which in this case was 1972, there was Philip Aylesford, the child of eight members of the Toronto Society for Psychical Research. He was a fictional character they developed with an elaborate backstory regarding his birth, life, and eventual death. They collectively meditated on him before attempting to communicate with him in the style of a Spiritualist seance. Participants reported not only communications but manifestations — they not only saw and heard things, in other words, but poltergeist phenomena also manifested. Other groups conducted similar experiments, reporting that they had successfully created and then conjured Lilith, a World War II French Canadian spy, Sebastian, an alchemist from medieval times and finally Axel, who was from the future.

As expected, results of these experiments were disputed — as were the tales regarding the more extreme manifestation of what has typically been called the tulpa in Western culture and which is also variously known as an egregore or a thought-form. It is often conceived as an imaginary entity that achieves, through ritual intent of its creator, a physical manifestation — according to some, an intentional and advanced rendition of your typical poltergeist.

Though the notion is reasonably dispersed across the collective consciousness at this point, methinks, the only alleged personal account I have come across is the one told by Alexandra David-Neel. In her journey through Tibet, she became interested in tulpas. Having elected to make one herself, she decided on a friendly, pudgy monk, and was eventually able to visualize him as a hallucination in her visual field. Over time the hallucination gained clarity, and eventually she found it indistinguishable from a living, breathing, physical being.

The frightening aspect of her little experiment soon became apparent, however, when the monk began appearing when she hadn’t conjured it, and then began behaving in ways it had not been programmed by her to behave. The monk also seemed to be losing weight and had taken on a distinctly malicious appearance. Nothing was as shocking, however, as when an individual she knew, who knew nothing of her practices, began questioning her about the stranger that had been meandering about in her tent. She reports that it took half a year, but she was eventually able to abolish the creature through other Tibetan techniques.

Though in both of these cases the entities were intentionally generated, in both cases they reportedly also exceed their programming and seemed to take on a life of their own, independent of the conscious aspect of the mind: essentially, a spiritual form of artificial intelligence. It also fits the profile of a dissociative identity state, an alternate personality. They are essentially intentionally-generated alters that can manifest physically.

An interesting aspect of the Philip experiment was that none of the eight involved were gifted psychically. Nonetheless, they were apparently capable of creating and programming a spiritual entity that could communicate in a way that was consistent with that personality and, most important and amazing of all, producing psychokinetic effects. David-Neel seemed to be at least moderately gifted psychically and have some degree of discipline as well; despite being a lone individual, she was able to produce a creature that could be seen by her and others. The entity was also able to become independent of its creators, functioning autonomously. Naturally, this might lead one to wonder what kind of effects a large group of psychically-gifted individuals might be capable of producing.

All the people I know that have had experiences similar to mine seem to have no knowledge of the UFO or abduction phenomenon beyond the superficial reports that the media regurgitates every now and then. Despite this, correlations between our narratives are plentiful right down to unanticipated details. From the way one friend described the shadows of the beings from outside her tent during a formative experience while camping as a child to the way another friend described the manner in which one of the creatures in his encounter ran, there are correlations even in the details littering our experience that I cannot in good conscience deny. This extends to many of those of whom I have read and read about in blogs, articles and books and seen through interviews and documentaries. Could the answer really be that our collective unconscious is conspiring against us, utilizing telepathy to share a narrative and RSPK to bring that narrative to life?

Despite finding the concepts of both the PH and PsiH fascinating, I have, in the end, always choked in my attempts to swallow. Those who have posited that poltergeist activity is the unconscious product of an individual note the similarities in individuals around which the alleged recurrent spontaneous psychokinesis (RSPK) manifests. In cases of alien abduction, on the other hand, it is clear that these experiences are shared by people from all walks of life, people all across the spectrum — racial, religious, cultural, class, education — as well as people of wildly different constitutions who react to these shared experiences in very individual ways. This sounds less like a psychological disorder — with or without psi effects — and more like an actual, nuts-and-bolts experience.

Crazy.

Sometimes I think I’m crazy. Sometimes I know I’m not.

— Stone Sour.

Always and forever, that question rears its ugly head once again, popping back up like some dreaded, stubborn Cheerio of Doom in the cereal bowl of my life: am I crazy?

I mean, I’m plagued with anxiety, experience periods of depression and bouts of blinding rage: does that alone make me crazy? Or is it the whole alien thing coupled with the seemingly paranormal phenomena that makes me so damned qualified?

Probably the alien thing, right?

Its rather stupid, too, I must admit, as I’m treating the “crazy” label as if it in itself might be an answer, but what does it explain, really? What the bloody fuck does it even mean?

Nothing.

It’s just a dismissive word. Calling someone crazy is a thought-stopper, not unlike saying “god did it.” It’s an easy out because you don’t have to question their motivations, their influences, the inner workings of their mind and heart. You need not understand a single thing. Crazy means empathy is unnecessary, even dangerous.

If my unusual experiences are little more than a mesh of waking dreams and hallucinations supported by delusions, that still leaves a lot open to question. For me, anyway. I know I’m not consciously and deliberately imagining these things and yet the experiences can be so sensory-rich, lifelike, structured — and totally governed by subliminal, autonomous processes. My battles against them are battles against some aspect if myself, but that makes it no less of a battle, makes them no more under my control.

And if I am crazy, does that mean the people I have met throughout my life who have had similar experiences — who have seen aliens, experienced paranormal phenomena for themselves — are also crazy? It would stand to reason. So I am not merely judging and dismissing myself but many of those who are dearest to me.

I may not be crazy, then, but calling myself crazy might make me a dick.

Lady of the Trees.

I stop the gondola full of trash bags by the side of the building, waiting for the cars to leave me an opening so I can make it to the corral, where we have the dumpster. Suddenly the old woman in the car just in front of me starts talking to me through her open window. She tells me how pretty the shrub to the side of me is and I find myself nodding, explaining sadly how before we know it, it will be buried in snow. She seems to detest the Ohioan Winternity the same way I do. She reacts inside in the same way I do when people say the “s” word to me, anyway, though considerably less violently.

She then explains how she can feel the change in energy when the leaves fall, interrupting herself mid-sentence to explain how she thinks she used to be a tree.

“Or a Druid,” she says. “They worshipped trees.”

She then began talking about the soaring death rates in the cold season. The drive-thru line started moving, however. She then bid me farewell, telling me that it was nice chatting with me and I returned her kind goodbye with equal sincerity.

As I made it back to the dumpsters, where I sat and had my small coffee and cigarette, I noted how warm I felt — not the physical kind of warmth either, but like a soothing, energetic, nice, buzzing kind of feeling beyond the skin. I felt charged somehow.

A short time later, I’m outside smoking again, people-watching as covertly as I was able. This one kid approached the nearby door and I felt as though my energy sort of shot to him and “felt” him from the mind out. It was brief, full of emotions, moods and a jumble of high-speed imagery. I didn’t immediately make the connection between this experience and the incident with the Lady of the Trees that had just happened a short time ago, but I did find it remarkable that the experience, however typical for me, was so much more intense, so much deeper than usual.

Looking over how I explained it to myself in my head, I felt the use of words such as “feel” and referencing imagery was somehow inaccurate, but it was the best I could do with the words I had at my disposal.

Am I insane? Maybe.

I put out my smoke, went inside and one of the managers, a happily crazy cat lady, starts rambling to me at high speed, confessing away her thoughts and feelings in a verbal waterfall. The other manager, who I’ll call Fester, stands beside me. I know he doesn’t like her and he had just made a comment earlier how she was irritating him so much he wanted to punch her in the face. Though he played it cool on the outside from what I could see, as he stood before me and Cat Lady ranted to me I could feel his irritation, feel his anger at her — like his energy was spiky and flaring up around his body. I made the mistake of laughing aloud, looking at him and saying. “Holy shit, man — I can FEEL that.”

He seemed weirded out by that, perhaps thinking me to be crazy.

Maybe the Lady of the Trees unknowingly subliminally suggested the energy thing to me and that was why I was again feeling it to this amazing intensity — or perhaps it was the paranormal afterglow, as I call it. In the wake of being around the strange creature I have seen all my life or other people who experience weird things like I do, this seem to amp up. It’s like we energize each other in general and specifically increase the likelihood of weird things happening between us.

Life is endlessly weird.

No Reason.

(2008)

I. Squaring the Isosceles.

Eva had come out her seemingly self-imposed exile. She used to turn off her phone and disappear without word for days, weeks on end, and nobody could get a hold of her, nobody could find her. She kept her distance. And then suddenly she began going the other way. Eva seemed to have opened up, blossomed in a way, and very quickly — and it occurred around the time I heard of Abbey and Zeke’s break-up.

Zeke had departed, leaving an empty space beside Abbey, and Eva seemed to rush in to fill the silhouette. To feed the gaping, hungry void. You could feel the connection she was forging with Abbey. I’d sit in the back seat of Abbey’s car and watch the two of them up front, just talking, and sense the bizarre intensity of the rapport. And it was from both ends, yes, but it was more, I don’t know, naked and confident from Eva’s end, far more unhinged and certain, far more passionate and unambiguous in general.

I don’t mean to imply I was tapping all this through psychic intuition, of course. It could be in the tone of voice, in the body language that the nature of the matter here was conveyed. It could have been in the many ways one can pick up signals that inspire that feeling of certainty about something without entirely knowing why.

There were others in our circle who had said Eva seemed to have more than a friendly attraction to Abbey, but it was taken more along the lines of a joke; I, on the other hand, felt it to be serious, though I denied it when it was brought up, at least at the beginning. Still, I felt certain.

Abbey was horny. I was horny. There is, at least on the surface, a simple and obvious solution to our resonating predicaments here. Eva seemed very territorial around Abbey, very aggressive to me when I was around, and I couldn’t help but feel that it was because she knew that Abbey and I wanted to have sex and she felt her newfound place by Abbey’s side in the wake of Zeke’s departure might be threatened by me.

If I was right and Eva just told me, if I knew for certain I wasn’t crazy, then I wouldn’t do it. Of course, part of me thinks its senseless for Eva to tell me she doesn’t want me to — after all, if she won’t make a move on Abbey and Abbey won’t make a move on her and Eva has denied it to others and Abbey has denied her attraction to Eva to a large degree even to herself, then why not? What is it about Abbey and I getting it on that would be threatening to Eva? We would just be two friends doing each other a favor. Two friends having sex. We would not be in a relationship.

Anyway, regardless as to whether or not Abbey and I were dating or just having sex, wouldn’t Eva rather Abbey be with me rather than with some presently unknown guy or — which would be worse, I think all who know him would agree — that she get back with Zeke, her negligent asshole of an ex-boyfriend out of her intense desire for some intimate, if only transient, human contact? And doesn’t Eva think that this sort of thing is going to happen eventually, one way or the other?

II. No Reason.

About half passed nine I’m in the dining room, cleaning the tables at work. I check my cell phone and notice a text from Eva from about twenty passed nine, in which she asks, “What are you doing?” I text back that I’m about to clean the restrooms. The question seemed rather out of nowhere and I had the feeling something might be behind it, so I also asked her why she wanted to know. At about fifty passed nine she texts back, “No reason.” I don’t believe her, so I text back, “There’s always a reason.” Quickly, she texts back a simple, “No.”

And Eva’s, “No,” sounded loud and bitter. It reverberated. It was a lot like when someone snaps at you; someone you have never heard snap at you before, never thought could possibly snap at you, and the shock is compounded by its seeming lack of any conceivable justification. Even if this person had snapped at you, in other words, you can think of no reason why they would at this exact moment.

It took me entirely off guard. I didn’t respond for the rest of night and there were no further texts from her. Still, even right after I got the text, I just felt confused and dismissed it as my imagination. As me merely projecting again. As strong as I felt the anger in her voice, the power behind that, “No,” of Eva’s, there was no real reason to think she might be mad at me. My mind couldn’t cook up a reasonable scenario. I coughed it up to misinterpretation, as a momentary paranoia. I let it go and went on about my work.

Then, out of nowhere, something incredibly unprecedented and absolutely terrifying began to occur within me. I began to feel hatred towards me. It felt as though people I really fucking cared about hated me at an inconceivable depth; as if I’ve done something horrible. There was this dread, this need to fix something, to say the right thing or explain or help or something. Finally, in my mind, in some vague, transparent kind of daydream, I saw or got a sense of Abbey and Eva talking and had the weird notion in my mind that they had both determined something about me; that they had teamed up, bonded in some joint agreement with respect to something that was bad about me. I definitely got the feeling I was being talked about, and that what was being said would hurt me if I could actually hear the words. It felt like a joint thing, however, between Eva and Abbey; like you might talk ill about someone behind their back but would never have the indecency to be so candid about it to their face.

Then I felt a deep, writhing agony, almost like fear, like abandonment, and I had the silly notion all of this came from Eva, and it was this collage of negative emotions that slowly grew within me throughout the night. I couldn’t shake the certain feeling though that these were absolutely not my emotions. They were coming from somewhere outside of me. It was like there was a wall between me and her and suddenly it cracked and out dribbled some emotions towards me. The pressure on the other side of the wall built, the crack grew, branched, there was more dribbling, now spouts of water. Steadily this proceeded. By the time I was in my car and driving home I was unable to contain it.

The dam fucking broke and it was proceeding on what seemed to be its course towards breaking me. I felt cold, I was shaking, it was a full-body emotion. At this point it was so intense I could not possibly choke it down or ignore it or push it to the side. It was everywhere. It was filling me up, bloating me, radiating off my skin. I started screaming in my car, asking what the fuck was wrong with me. I knew and could not ignore the knowledge that there was absolutely, positively no rational reason whatsoever for me feeling like this at all, let alone to such an intensity that it felt worse than death.

The only comparable experiences I was able to come up with — and I should say that I came to realize this later, in retrospect — were my break-ups with Anne and Kate. Worst of all — perhaps merely because she broke up with me, rather than vice versa — was the break-up with Kate over the phone when she had called me from what turned out to be her permanent vacation to see her parents in California. The feeling in the car was not as bad, of this I am sure, but the feeling that night was far, far removed from my normal range of emotional pain. But this was the closest I had felt to it. And add into that the fact that I felt certain these were not my emotions and the terrified reaction to this fact, to the fear of what this emotion might do to me or how long it might linger or how much greater it might grow. The terror inherent in not having any level of control here or even any means of anticipating its course as it was, as I said, not my rush of emotions.

It all coalesced into alarm, horrific alarm, and I got home and sat in front of my computer and just tried to relax in the familiar environment. My safe haven. I stared at the phone. I wanted, needed to call Eva or Abbey. Or both. What could I say? If I was wrong, I’d sound insane and feel insane, which would most certainly not be a glorifying addition to how I presently felt. And even if I was right, they may not admit to it, which would not be much better, because I’d have no sound reason to think they were lying and would be forced, through the eye of reason, to label myself batty as fucking hell.

How the fuck does one ask the question I wanted to ask, anyway? “Hey, was there maybe some shit-talking, after which Eva decided she fucking hated me and wished I’d die a miserable death and feel all the pain she felt for whatever horrible thing she had decided I’d done to her? Why? Oh, no reason. No reason.”

So I just sat there at my computer desk, in my chair, staring at the bottom of my computer for awhile. A few minutes, maybe, I was just zoning, trying to cease freaking out, waiting for the foreign emotional mass within me to quell and depart, to have some mercy. Then I reached out and plugged in my cell phone so it would charge. The moment I did that, it rang.

It was Abbey. I picked up.

“Hey,” I said, unable to conceal the terror in my voice and my simultaneous and blatantly contradictory relief, pure ecstasy over the fact that she had called me. I somehow managed to tell her that I was freaking out for some reason, that it felt worse than death, that it had come out of nowhere. She told me to try to calm down. She asked me when it started to happen. Confused, hopeful, I told her about nine-thirty. I added in that Eva had texted me around the time it started, but I didn’t see how it could have anything to do with it. She had asked me an odd question, asked me where I was, asserted there was no reason she asked, but nothing in that conversation could possibly produce this. There was just no way.

Eva was already in her mind when she had asked me when all this had started, however; she checked her cell phone and informed me that this was exactly around the same time she had been talking with Eva and had told her that her and I might be having sex. Eva, apparently, was quite against the idea, as Abbey implied.

I didn’t ask for elaboration. A part of me felt I really didn’t need it.

All Abbey said was that it was strange timing, considering. I asked her if she would call her to see if she was all right. I would, but I wouldn’t know what to say and, well, it might not help matters. Might make them worse. “I don’t know why you’d be so sensitive towards Eva,” she said.

I said I’d try and call her, so I hung up the phone and did so. Eva didn’t answer the phone, so I left a message — a stupid, insane, and thankfully vague message — and called Abbey back. She was sincerely worried about me and, I think, a little curious about the whole thing, too, and so tried to call her for me. Curiously enough, she managed to get through. I texted her, asking if she was okay, if I was insane. Abbey texts back, while apparently on the phone with Eva, “You’re grade-A bonkers.”

I thought this would be good news, but I texted back to her something along the lines of, “That does it. I’m getting on medication.” And at the time, I really meant it. If something this intense was nothing, I honestly was insane, and I really did need professional help. I certainly did not want this happening, unprovoked, tearing me up inside whenever it wished.

After I calmed down a bit, I decided there were two options. That either I’m insane or this is something weirder. And if its something weirder, then Eva really ought to be honest with me, because I’d back off in a fucking second if she gave me validation of what I’ve felt from her towards Abbey. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Make anyone feel the way I’m feeling now. Least of all Eva.

Then Eva suddenly calls, but for some reason I think its Abbey when I pick up the phone — swear it was her name I saw on the screen — and Eva seems, I don’t even know. I know she’s calling because I’d called her and left her a text message. I tell her it’s nothing, I was wrong, I’m probably crazy, and I make haste in getting off the phone with her.

Abbey calls me back after talking to Eva, but we speak only briefly; she tells me that maybe I just need to sleep, as I had confessed to her that feat has not come easy for me as of late.

The next day at work, Abbey texts me to ask how I am; I tell her that I feel as though, for the most part, my emotions are my own now, and I guessed that was good. I felt increasing disconnection (though never entirely) from the source of the emotion, which I, in my likely insanity, still felt to be Eva, but the connection never went away entirely, although the emotions were losing force. It was kind of like when you loose control and maybe bark at somebody and you realize, shortly afterward, that you didn’t know your own strength; you kind of say, “holy shit,” to yourself and take a step back, let the air clear a bit.

Towards the end of the night, I felt that “piercing through” sensation in my mind — I remember the moment; I was at the counter and talking to my coworker, Mister Peepers — and impressions started pouring through again. Not like the night before, but the normal flow of emotions I sense from others. It again seemed to be from Eva. But subtler, thankfully.

III. Recovery of the Second Act.

It took me a day or two to realize what the flood of emotions I believed I had received from Eva reminded me of; what personal experience in my history it was analogous to. The answer, as it turns out, was my break-up with Kate. That was when I had felt that intense pain so many degrees more lethal than the cold fear of the clear and present potentiality of death. That is where I had felt that horrible sense of abandonment.

I remember it clearly.

It was not simply as if the universe, which was suddenly personified in my mind, simply had no sense of justice; it was not only that it had failed to recognize that I had, after all, earned this chance at true and lasting happiness through my agonizing endurance of loneliness over the years. It was not merely that the universe was impersonal. No, the universe was downright hostile — and it was hostile to me, specifically. It was cold and cruel and that night she called me, when my paranoia revealed itself to be intuition and she told me she was not returning from her vacation, I wanted to die. I felt as if I was the butt of the cruelest of the cosmic jokes, and I should have seen it coming from the beginning.

I should have seen the formula in action. It was simple. Clear steps. Take someone who fails to believe in love and fails to believe with normal strength. Break him down, convince him until he stops and goes retrograde, does a complete 360-degree turn. Watch him believing in love completely. Go too deep, too fast. Let him lift himself up on her wings, up higher and higher still and then — and then drop him. Make him a fool. Punish his stupidity. His naivete. Punish the crimeless, the ever-so cautious in trust. Reinforce the doubt he had for so long maintained despite the pain all in order to protect himself from abuse, betrayal and abandonment. Teach him there are no exceptions, no matter how convincing. Teach him you cannot believe in anything. Trust in anything. Punish him. And do it mercilessly, as if he were just any old fucking fool of love; as if he was the sort who had it coming.

I felt as if I had been tricked, as if I had been betrayed at a level so high and a degree so profound it was previously inconceivable.

I realized what the emotions had reminded me of maybe a day or two after the whammy emotional transmission. And three days after that psychic punch, I had a dream.

There is something I’ve found about dreams; maybe it is this way with everyone. Usually, if you look at it long enough, hard enough, and from enough angles, you can determine to some level of satisfaction why it is you had a particular dream at a particular time and what, at least in a generalized way, it was manufactured by the dark of your mind to convey to your conscious light. It has often seemed to me that dreams process data and make correlations waking consciousness may not see so clearly; this assumption of mine was only reinforced by my dream on November fifth, as it answered a question that had been gnawing me in the wake of the experience. I felt she cared for Abbey in a more than friendly way, but I still didn’t understand why she felt the way she did about the prospect of Abbey and I having sex. And then, as I said, along came the dream.

In the scene, I am at front counter at work, right in the area where those guys did construction in real life, but here its like a bar rather than just a counter. There’s an empty seat between me and someone else and this guy I know fairly well but haven’t seen in awhile sits down. He’s distraught, apparently, because he has just broken up with his ex-girlfriend. He explains things about the break-up to me and the guy on the other side of him — as well as to some tall, skinny, hairy heavy-metal-looking guy working by where the fryers would be in real life. Quickly I come to realize that this guy’s newly ex-girlfriend is Kate, my old ex-girlfriend. He just broke up with Kate? I try to hide my excitement, this surge of energy in me out of respect, but I’m excited by the possibility that she’s available. That things aren’t going terrific for her, that this guy has been tossed aside, that there might be hope for her and I because this guy has been removed from the equation. That there is a space to be filled now, and potentially by me.

Almost immediately afterward, I felt that this dream leaped off the similarity I had just recently consciously recognized between Eva’s transmitted emotions and my own. On the basis of conscious recognition my subconscious built up an analogous situation which would put me in Eva’s shoes and give me the opportunity to understand another aspect of her situation — one that, at least to some feeble degree, might also be analogous to the circumstances that had occurred between Kate and I. In the dream I learned that Kate’s boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, was out of the way; their relationship was over. However unlikely it was that her and I would get back together in light of this fact, it nonetheless gave me space for the hope. And the idea that Kate was quite likely presently alone, lonely and unhappy because of this, that there was a space to be filled — it somehow added to my hope, however morbid that might sound.

So what on earth does this have to do with Eva and Abbey? Well, perhaps its analogous to how Eva herself felt when I told her I was convinced having sex with Abbey would ruin our friendship and that the romantic feelings I sensed Eva herself had for Abbey only added to my hesitance. She felt I was out of the way. When it seemed to Eva that Abbey and I wouldn’t be having sex after it at first seemed so certain that we would, I became analogous to the “ex-boyfriend” of my dream and her hope was lifted. And in that, the dream filled the gap between what we could refer to, for the purposes of order here, as the first and last acts.

The first was my awareness of the triangle. The third was seemingly unprovoked the psychic punch. The dream, then, provided the missing “second act” — it helped me, through analogy based on similarity of shared experience, just why Eva felt the way she did. Kate chose her parents and friends in California over me and I was expected to simply respect that because her love for them was not just different but of a higher order of importance. I could not compete. Then her father said he’d help her get a job, then she met that boy, got pregnant, got married. I could not compete. None of that was ever said explicitly, of course, but the circumstance seemed to communicate it in utmost clarity. Actions speak louder than words; as cliche as it sounds, it is undoubtedly true.

Perhaps Abbey’s desire to have such intimate contact with me made Eva feel the same kind of thing. She could not, or would not be so bold as to offer a resolution to Abbey’s sexual frustration; she could not, in that sense, compete. And if she had convinced Abbey she was not attracted to her, and Abbey could therefore not be rightfully blamed for failing to consider Eva’s feelings since she had been convinced that they did not exist, then the blame, in her mind, at least in a relatively transient and yet intensely emotional and reactionary moment, was to be laid upon me, who she knew to know of her feelings towards Abbey. And so in the very least she would have seen me as considering her feelings to be irrelevant in the matter, or at least of a lower order of importance, than the raging sexual impulses of Abbey and I.

IV. Instinct & Psychic Latrines.

On the phone, I tell her that I cannot seem to accept things as confirmation. It’s weird, because I automatically trust what I feel, what I intuit, the strange things I experience, but then I stop and step back and I don’t trust my trust. Silently, I know the problem is that I’m afraid of being wrong, that I feel as though maintaining doubt is my only means of defense against insanity — which is perhaps itself insane, because accepting nothing as true necessitates a standstill, which is clearly at odds with my quest for answers.

I explain how I’m also trying not to be a hypocrite. I spend a lot of my time attacking the blind faith of religion and fear falling into the same trap. She assures me that its not the same thing — that its an instinctual response to accept your perceptions after they satisfy certain basic criteria; that this is a sort of survival technique. And that sort of cliques with me, I must admit.

“And you can never know for certain if you’re right,” she says.

I also told her that when I had previously come across people who fit into the category I’d place both her and I in we both seemed to have intense affects on and reactions to each other — the paranormal activity between the two of us, in other words, tended to amp up, and weirdness in general seemed to escalate. Though I didn’t say it in this way, it seemed that when I came across people like Eva, who had recurrent experiences in the weird, we tended to synchronize in a way analogous to how women synchronize their menstrual cycles.

In her email a day or two ago she had confirmed to me (once again) that she did indeed hear my voice inside her head so long ago and, though much more hesitantly, she now confirmed, over the phone, that she had indeed purposely “downloaded” her emotions into me that one evening, much more recently. She says that she didn’t think it would have hit me so hard if I wasn’t so receptive, however, and then went on to suggest that my receptivity was only one of my many feminine personality traits, to which I conceded.

I explained the sense of abandonment I felt that evening. While she seemed hesitant to confess to it at first, she tried to explain what I felt to be a sense of abandonment and elaborate upon what she meant when she said she had purposely dumped her emotions into me. And she expressed it in what I think turned out to be an effective analogy. She said it was like when an animal’s eating and you try to take away its food — it tends to snap at you.

I am, of course, supposing Abbey was the food in this respect, and I, the foolish hand.

Most interesting is what she said next. It seems that once she dumped her emotions into me at a distance, she no longer felt them herself — they were gone; out of her. So I had in a way become the psychic equivalent of her emotional toilet.

Headspace.

At first Eva was simply some attractive blond-haired girl I had never met who occasionally commented on my MySpace blog. She first responded to a blog post I made on body language and expressed interest in the ideas of using it to build or break rapport more consciously as opposed to reacting instinctively.

Later, I learned that some of my friends — Zeke, who I worked with, and his girlfriend Abbey in particular — knew her and occasionally I would see her here and there in passing. I saw her in the downtown Halloween festival, dressed as a Vietnam era American soldier. Then she had come in to the fast food joint with a few of her friends to visit some girl I worked with at — again in costume, so-to-speak, only this time her and her two or three friends seemed to be wearing layered and oversized clothing, as if they were children who had just raided a thrift store. 

She was pretty, childlike and playful, so it seemed to me through our brief encounters, and through her MySpace presence I found her to be incredibly intelligent as well. There was a darkness in her, too. All of it made her so alluring to me. 

Through observation and word of mouth it became clear that she was addicted to exercise, frequently going to the gym or walking around town, frequently engaged in strict diets, cleanses, and there were occasional whispers among those who knew her about her vomiting up lunch. It all screamed Bulimia Nervosa. 

 It went deeper than that, though; she was intense, through and through. She always pushed herself. She seemed to prefer getting into a state where everything was stripped away, where she was fully immersed in her object of concentration, where she could shed herself down to naked attention and operate on will alone.

Her mental strength fascinated me. 

When she finally began coming into the restaurant as a pit stop on her walks, sometimes to kill time reading or writing, I got the chance to learn more about her directly. Being physically around her, it was unmistakable now: the girl had a distinct energy about her, which is to say that oftentimes I could literally feel it, as if she was a psychic furnace. Radiant despite the aforementioned darkness. 

From her friend request to hearing about her, from seeing her at a distance to finally talking with her — she seemed to be slowly spiraling into my life, shedding layers along the way, and it got deeper still — unfathomably so — on October 6, 2007.

It was raining. She came in after my lunch break, probably around eight o’clock, while I was working in the kitchen and covering other people’s breaks. Glancing over the grills and up at the counter, I saw a head of blond hair up front. Later I confirmed my suspicions that it was her who had come in.

Watching as she sat down in the far corner of the dining room, on one of the high tables and chairs behind the drink fountain, I smiled. Her usual seat, nine times out of ten, and a damned good choice. Its the best seat in the house for a people-watcher. If I were a visitor and not an employee, that’s exactly where I’d sit. Its secluded and offers a view of damn near everything possible and, as an added bonus, you’ve got a brick wall covering your backside.

Steve, our manager with the muffled voice, he sticks his head beneath the monitor from up front, looking at me, but before it even comes flying out his mouth I tell him I know, I tell him that I saw Eva come in and sit down. He laughs, amused at the fact that I know exactly where he’s going with this.

What could be more obvious, though? Right after she walks in the door, everyone keeps telling me how I should go for her. Asking me if she’s single. Asking me how old she is.

“She’s hot,” they tell me. And I go, ”I know, nothing could be more obvious, but its not like that. Its not that way. The girl’s not interested in me, not in that sense, and I can deal with that.”

After a short while, I step up front. I say hello to her by means of making eye contact and shouting, across the dining room, ”It’s the beautiful Eva,” which thankfully elicits a warm smile from her and not embarrassment or some painfully evident awkwardness, which was what I’d come to fear when the sentence was not even halfway out my mouth.

I walk over and ask how she’s doing, noticing as I do so that she’s reading what looks like sheet music. For quire at college, no doubt. The whole thing about her being shoved to the position of Alto, even though she really feels more suited for a Soprano.

She asks me if it has stopped raining outside and I tell her no, it hasn’t. She has to walk the whole way home, she tells me, and if it is still raining when the restaurant closes she’s going to hang out in my Explorer until I’m off work and she’s going to have me drive her back to her house. She seemed to expect in the very least some playful rebuttal on my behalf, but I shrugged and said that was fine. I had no problem, so long as she wasn’t a serial killer.

And after a short conversation (during which I manage to play it cool but am actually so nervous I can hardly remember a word of what was said) I announce that I’m going out for a smoke. I don’t invite her out with me as I did last time she stopped by. It wasn’t my intention to be rude, of course, it’s just that last time she was here and I did so she followed me outside after gathering up her things. Had a short-but-sweet conversation. Then, as we spoke in the midst of my smoking, her mother drove by and she was taken away. I didn’t want that to happen again. I also didn’t want her to know I had lied, and it really had stopped raining.

After smoking and then doing some work, I notice Steve is chilling at a table doing nothing, with the ever-annoying Derek sitting across from him. They’re just chatting. Steve’s a manager, and so I figure if he was just lounging around doing nothing than I certainly shouldn’t feel guilty about doing so. Guiltless, I then casually go and sit down across from Eva, who is in the middle of writing a poem. Its about some children in the woods and I think they get murdered towards the end. She can’t finish the poem and, after a wonderful but brief reading to me, she informs me she’s given up on concluding it.

This girl, she makes me so curious.

I want to ask her about the guy I saw coming up to her table while I was in back kitchen, but I don’t. She tells me that she just gave her phone number to him, that she’s been asked for it now a few times by random guys. It always happens in groups, she says. She’ll get approached and asked for her number by guys several times in a really short time period and then not again, not once, for a long time.

“Maybe it happens during hormonal peaks,'” I offer, suggesting that perhaps she is shooting out pheromones like mad. Or perhaps its something more along the lines of a psychic ability that gets amped up during that period. I keep speculating that all the weird, supernatural-like stuff happens to me during such peaks, and that’s probably behind my suggestion.

She makes a face. “I don’t like that word,” she says. ‘”Whore,'” she says, pausing. Then: ‘”Moan.'”

“All right then,'” I say, smiling, ‘”sexual peaks, then.”

She saw the Spiky Dikes (as I affectionately called them) the other day, which she indicates to me not verbally but by motioning her hands over an invisible mohawk on top of her head. I explain how its not really accurate now, considering how I had recently learned that Zoie, the little one, is a closet bisexual and not lesbian. She comes back with the fact that “Spiky Dikes” still has a nice sound to it, so I shouldn’t abandon the title. I find that I agree, but you always try to strive for accuracy, you know?

Surprisingly, I find that I’m not all that shy about bringing up the fact that Zoie perplexes me in much the same way as Eva here. For some reason, I just can’t read the two of them like I feel I can with most people. They simply feel different, which is hard for me to explain in words.

I told her how Anne, my ex, was kind of like that, too. Whenever Anne and I brushed upon the subject of feeling people’s vibes or I confessed how sometimes I felt I could feel other people’s emotions, sort of like psychic empathy, especially through the eyes, but how it was harder for me with her, Anne thought that maybe it had something to do with her wandering eye. If she held her eyes in place for a certain length of time, one of the eyes would start veering, just slightly. I always secretly thought that maybe the close connection Anne and I have on a certain, deep level made us erect certain barriers in defense of one another. Still, I could never be sure exactly what it was.

As I continued to talk with Eva, though, and our conversation seemed to get more involved, there seemed to be this intoxicating wave of emotion, or something, in the air. It was as if my mind was penetrating through some kind of membrane. Eventually, I started catching definite things from her — emotions, impressions, potent vibes — just like I do from normal people only the intensity was amazing, the reception crisp and clear. It was like some psychic form of tunnel vision.

There was one point where it almost seemed that I caught a sex vibe from her, which confused me so much I had to look away for a second. She noted it, too — the fact I’d looked away — and seemed to think it was something she had said, but I just told her no, it wasn’t that, there was just too much going on at once. I wasn’t even entirely certain what I meant by that, either, but something strange and wonderful was going on. It was like I was riding the wave of some supernatural high. I had to wonder, though: was I really seeing what was there, or was I throwing that out and was it bouncing back at me like some psychic echo?

As we went on talking, the rapport seemed to get deeper and deeper and ever-more intense. I mean this in no cheesy way, either. It’s not a poetic metaphor or anything of the like. It was literally the experience of some weird, almost psychic bond. I was reading things from her ever-clearer. Just emotions. Just impressions.

At one point I’m looking at her. I don’t think we’re talking, but I’m just gazing at her for a moment, unable to help myself. It wasn’t a particularly naughty gaze, but I think to myself, about her, ”god, you’re sexy,” as I look her way.

It was just internal dialog, but it seemed clearer and louder than usual. Like subjective stereo. Like a psychic echo. Not only that, but I had the distinct impression that she had heard me.

That I was in her head, or she was in mine, or we were temporarily fused in some mutual headspace. Maybe it was in her eyes, the way she lifted her head and looked at me. Perhaps it was in her facial expression, or perhaps it was just her vibe. The important thing here is that for some reason her hearing me think did not, at the moment, seem all that unusual.

So then I think, but this time intentionally to her, as a sort of experiment or test, ”You didn’t hear me, did you?” And she shakes her head, as a matter of factly, yes, up and down, up and down. And I eye her suspiciously, almost teasingly. “No you didn’t,” I think to her. She stops a second, as if hesitating, but just a second later she begins to shake her head no, side to side to side to side to side. Satisfied, I slam my hand on the table and say, with a smile — and I say it aloud this time — ”Good,” and casually get up out of the chair and make my exit passed the drink tower.

It was so natural.

Nothing from, ”you didn’t hear me, did you?” to the point that I got up seemed at all unusual or frightening. But as soon as I was halfway passed the drink tower adrenaline shot through me. I try to tell myself I didn’t remember it correctly, but it just happened. I try to tell myself that it didn’t happen, that its impossible that it happened, but it just happened.

Didn’t it?

Maybe I interpreted it wrong. Maybe she didn’t hear my thoughts, maybe I said it out loud. Maybe I was thinking out loud without realizing it.

This is how it goes. After it happens, I always walk away and try to convince myself it didn’t. It always seems to work this way with any occurrence that seems even vaguely supernatural. The reason is I don’t want to be crazy, and part of me is still gripping onto that quaint superstition — you know, the one where crazy people don’t ever think they’re crazy — and using it as a sort of defense mechanism.

If every time something weird happens I make sure to distance myself from the experience by means of constantly questioning everything, to distance from the experience by casting doubt upon the soundness of my mental functions and perceptions, well, then I’m being as sane as possible. I can’t be entirely sane, of course, because I still accept it might be true, but I can’t be entirely insane, either. Instead, I’m in this cozy gray-area, this safety-zone of the middle-ground. I’m secure in the land of the eternal maybe. See how the logic works?

There’s just one problem. The problem is, of course, the fact that I know damn well that crazy people can indeed know something is wrong with them. They can even know they’re downright bonkers, and this doesn’t necessarily make them, by some form of thought-magick, not crazy anymore. And since I know this train of illogic to be a superstition, I can’t hold onto this all-encompassing denial for too long without having to whip up new excuses for distancing.

Always there seems to be room for excuses, though. Room for doubt. After all, nothing is for certain. There’s no way to confirm anything, really, is there? In the end, when its all said and done, you can only offer yourself a shiver and a shrug. And least that’s how its been to me.

At least until now.

I walked back to the kitchen and I didn’t look behind me. The art of surviving the weird, be it supernatural or psychotic episode, is to let it roll off you like falling rain. Not to hide from it. Not to put your head up with your mouth wide open and drown in the drip-drops, either. Just walk along like nothing’s wrong. Go on about your day. Much like working on a painting or writing something, you can’t always really grasp what’s going on while you’re up close. Sometimes you’ve got to turn your back to it and walk or run a distance and then, after turning around and glimpsing the whole from a more detached perspective, you might be able to better grasp the overall nature of the experience. As in what it was, how and why it happened, what it means.

Often it takes years.

Of course, denial is often just the result of fear. And since my fear in this case is that of the unknown, I have no precise definition or clear nature to deny, so I deny the experience totally. I often find myself literally saying to myself how this, whatever this is, ”could not have happened.”

Next time I look out there in the dining room she’s grabbing her bags and leaving.

It could have been a hallucination or delusion that erupted out of some not-so-latent psychosis of mine, but it happened. It was real in the experiential sense, and to deny it even that degree of reality is as blind as lying blind faith in a singular interpretation regarding its reality.

So was it a hallucination, a delusion, strictly an event in my own, private headspace? Was I acting so weird it made her feel incredibly uncomfortable and that’s why she’s leaving? Or did it really happen, and that’s what made her feel so awkward she had to pack up her stuff and proceed to leave at just this moment?

I quickly make my way up front, and I catch her at the corner of the counter, and I look dead at her with wide, sarcastic eyes, my chin up, and point a scolding finger at her. Fixing her with an eye, I say, ”You were going to leave without saying goodbye,” accusing her in a teasing fashion.

”No,” she says in calm defense, staring for a moment, then looking away, then looking back. And then, sweetly, with just a tinge of sarcasm and a roll of the head as she speaks, she says, ”bye,” smiles ever-sweetly, and walks away, out of my line of sight.

Try as I might, I can’t stop regurgitating and dissecting the whole episode the rest of the night. I need desperately to tell someone, and I so wish my old friend Channing was around. I knew I could tell Abbey. Even if she didn’t believe me, she was at least accepting enough of my stories that they’d listen without judging or feeding my self-doubt. They would give me rational feedback.

I text Abbey, through my cell phone: ”Weirdness.” It isn’t until I’m on my way home that she texts me back, saying only, ”Nice to see you, too, pal.”

Shortly thereafter, she calls me, and though I hate talking on my cell while driving, I pick up and explain to her the fundamentals of what happened. How it was just like those kids years ago, those five year olds, namely the second one, which made eye contact with me. Our minds fused and he seemed to be able to throw visuals into my head. An image of him, like a clever, surreal cartoon image of him with a big, magnified face, huge eyes and this big, Cheshire Cat grin. Only with Eva, though the sensation was too similar to be a coincidence, it wasn’t visuals she threw at me but words I threw at her, or words that she took out of me.

I don’t even know if it was her or if it was me. As a matter of fact, I told Abbey, I can’t really say whether what I think happened really happened. I could just be fucking crazy.

She tells me that I’m not crazy and that I should talk to Eva about it, that I should just ask her, and I should do it soon. I should do it right away, say something before Eva forgets about it or dismisses the whole thing.

I agree with her that I should just swallow my pride and ask Eva right away, but the assumption that Eva would forget such an experience or dismiss it seems strange to me. I don’t see how that would be possible at all. It blew my mind, after all, and weird shit happens to me all the time. Not exactly like this, of course — not shit that I could usually potentially validate as something objective, or at least inter-subjective — but in this general, seemingly-paranormal category.

My final decision, and I reach it before reaching my apartment, is that I’ll send her a message about it through MySpace and I’ll be as vague as possible. That way in whatever way she responds it should be evident whether what I thought happened really did happen. I was worried about it because if this turned out to be nothing, just a hallucinatory-delusional psychological cocktail of mine, that everything I’d ever experienced in this supernatural category would be undermined. Proof, once and for all, of my insanity. It wouldn’t be, not really, but it would feel that way to me and, upon relating the story to others — which I would do for the sake of my honesty — it would also look and feel that way to everyone who had the ears or eyes to read or listen.

I got home and I wrote her:

”My reality check may have indeed bounced,” I wrote, ”and I certainly don’t dismiss that possibility. I may seriously regret discussing this, specifically for the reason I may make myself out to sound completely insane in the process, but I need to ask. If I don’t do so promptly I may kick myself in the ass for it later. For my benefit, I’ll keep my question as vague as possible: Towards the end of our conversation this evening, did anything particularly strange occur on your end? Shall we say, paranormal or supernatural-wise… ? Please respond as soon as possible. And be specific. Please. I’m a little perplexed right now. Very perplexed.”

The next day she wrote me a simple, one-sentence reply: ”I already answered you.”

I didn’t respond. Before opening the message, I had been sure I was going to be shot down, find evidence that nothing happened, and I was fully prepared to deal with the ramifications. I thought maybe if it turned out none of this was real I would seriously consider taking medication. Atypical anti-psychotics. Accept my total madness and move on.

Turns out it really happened.

Attentive in the Trough.

All the weirdness of my life happens in clusters, akin to the wave-like characteristics of UFO sightings, particularly as they were described by Jacques Vallee. More or less he described these waves as periods of inactivity broken by periods of intense activity — always following an altogether unpredictable pattern.

These waves have piques of unknown heights and troughs of uncertain depth. When riding the wave, drifting closer to the alien eye of the surreal, paranormal, psychotic cyclone, I mostly just document. During the silence of the troughs I keep trying to put it together, to determine with as most certainty as possible what they are and why this happens.

The reason is simple, really. It’s as if they wait until I have finally convinced myself that none of it ever happened, that it was all a really bad dream, that I could forget about them because they were never coming back, never really there to begin with and, bam, they return and I get to watch and feel as my life crumbles to dust all over again.

Perhaps my family of the strange and I truly are being conditioned.

To fight the recurring shock value of their return, I try and face them constantly, because the moment I turn my back and fall asleep with both eyes confidently, naively closed, I know its going to bite me on my ass.