Bootleg Memories: On the Nature and Structure of Soul-Recycling.

I. OF DOPS & CHILDREN OF CORT.

The late Dr. Ian Stevenson, MD, was a biochemist, professor of psychiatry, and ultimately the head of the Division of Perceptual Studies (DOPS) at the University of Virginia School of Medicine. There he spent some forty years investigating roughly three thousand cases of children who appeared to remember former lives, which he called Cases of the Reincarnation Type (CORT). This led to his publication of several books on the subject, all of which were geared toward the scientific community. Tom Schroeder’s book Old Souls, in which the author accompanies Stevenson on some trips to investigate these children, finally brought his studies to the attention of the public. He died in 2007 at 88 years of age, though the intriguing work he began has thankfully continued.

Child psychiatrist Dr. Jim Tucker, MD, worked with Stevenson for some time until taking over his role as director of DOPS upon Stevenson’s retirement in 2002. While he continues Stevenson’s efforts to sway the scientific community into taking the subject seriously, he is certainly more geared toward introducing the subject to the general public and exploring more cases based in the US. Tucker has spoken about the research in print and media and published an overview of the research in his 2005 book, Life Before Life. He subsequently published Return to Life in 2013 and another, in 2021, entitled Before: Children’s Memories of Previous Lives, which combined both books.

Throughout Stevenson’s investigations, his attitude and strategies remained as scientific and methodical as could be possible given the subject matter. Unlike most of those you hear about who explore apparent past life memories, for instance, he didn’t rely on regression hypnosis — a big plus, since many psychologists and the like scoff at hypnosis as an accurate means of retrieving memory, even when confined to a single lifetime. Instead, he interviewed young children from India, Burma, Thailand, West Africa, Turkey, Lebanon, Syria, and North America, all of whom spontaneously recalled past lives. He also interviewed their birth families and the families they insisted they formerly belonged to, sought out autopsy reports to confirm the mode of death, and utilized psychological tests and questionnaires. In his analysis of the cases, he sought out conventional explanations such as fraud, fantasy, cryptomnesia, and paramnesia. Having eliminated these possibilities, he would then consider various paranormal processes. Eliminating all else, there was reincarnation, which he concluded was the best explanation for the majority of the studied cases.

A common objection was that most of the cultures in which cases were found have some sort of belief in reincarnation, but the cases Stevenson has accumulated don’t seem to align with the cultural beliefs prevalent in the cultures in question. On the contrary, many cases seem to run into direct opposition as to what the religion believes in regard to the who, what, when, where, and why of life, death, and rebirth. I found this pattern continued throughout the two seasons of a television show called The Ghost Inside My Child, unassociated with DOPS, in which the parents of young children from the US claimed to have lived former lives, and even the period between lives, often the despite growing up in the context of various forms of Christianity.

With respect to DOPS, requirements for a case to be considered strong evidence for the existence of reincarnation involve the subject’s statements correctly corresponding to events in the life of only one deceased person (which they call the “previous personality,” and which for entirely immature reasons I refuse to abbreviate). They also seek out cases in which the two families had no previous knowledge of one another or the subjects’ statements were recorded before verification. Families will often be inspired or driven by a child to find the family of a previous personality before investigators get to them, but when that is not the case, the investigators investigate cases within a few weeks or months of their development. Aside from studying individual cases, they also subject groups of cases to analysis, which allows them to compare cases within a culture as well as cross-culturally.

Tucker has continued this effort as well. In his aforementioned book, Life Before Life, he gives results from their as-yet-unfinished computerized database, which had less than half of the case files they studied at the time of its writing. For instance, from this we know that the median age of death reported in CORT is 28, the median distance between the place of death and the place of rebirth is 14 kilometers, and the median interval between death and rebirth of the subject is sixteen months.

In other words, most of them died young, more than half the time violently, and neither waited too long nor traveled too far before completing what we might describe as the cosmic recycling process of consciousness. While some may interpret this to mean that the factors of dying a violent death and dying young are what compelled their reincarnation, as they had more life to live or had unfinished business to attend to, it could just as easily be the case that we all experience reincarnation and that these factors, particularly the emotional intensity of the memories regarding their violent death, merely made those in CORT more apt than most to recall aspects of their past lives.

II. AN AUTOPSY OF EXOSOMATIC MEMORIES.

What CORT suggests, if nothing else, is that memory is not dependent on the body; as a consequence, these cases suggest what we might call exosomatic memories. While the DOPS does not categorize them as such, it seems to me that the evidence of reincarnation amassed in their studies falls into three general categories of long-term memory: explicit memory, implicit memory, and what we might call, if only for lack of a better term, morphological memory.

Explicit memory, often referred to as declarative memory, deals with the conscious recollection of events and the data gleaned from and so associated with those events. It is subcategorized into episodic memory, or the memory of sensory events, and semantic memory, or the memory of the associated knowledge.

Typically in CORT, explicit memories are the first to arrive, or at the very least the first to be identified by others. Globally, the children in these cases often first begin speaking about events of their former lives as soon as they develop the capacity to speak, which is to say between two and five years of age, with the average standing at 35 months. Some children seem to retain these memories regardless as to their state of mind, whereas others only seem capable of doing so when in a relaxed, trancelike state, with amnesia often setting in once they snap out of it, and quite abruptly in some cases.

These bootleg, episodic memories typically include their death and the events surrounding it, and this may first surface in recurring nightmares. As mastery of the native language grows, the kid will continue to spill details of people, places, and events associated with the previous personality, though now they tend to become more elaborate. Sometimes they recall the life of a member of the family or friend of the family, but in other cases, an absolute stranger, and details that the child reports are subsequently verified once the individual’s family, friends, death certificate, autopsy reports, and other information are located. In many cases, the children’s stories are found to match the life of the deceased individual they claim to be with incredible accuracy, and far before being introduced to the family of the dead. They also recognize people, places, and objects that were familiar to the previous personality. While some of these children manage to hold onto their memories longer, perhaps all the way to adulthood, the memories most often begin fading around five years of age, vanishing altogether by the age of eight. They tend to stop speaking about past lives at an average of 72 months.

Semantic memory often manifests as information provided by the subject about their former life, though this is not typically data ultimately stemming from a single episodic memory. Though rare, there are also instances in which these children have displayed xenoglossy, or the ability to speak in a language they should not know – a form of semantic memory.

Around the time they begin speaking about their past lives, strange behaviors are also noted in the child – behaviors that don’t seem to make sense in the context of the present or past conditions of their present life, though it all makes perfect sense when placed in the context of the previous life that the child claims to have had. These are what are known as implicit memories –  a kind of memory you don’t consciously recall but rather unconsciously and automatically enact or experience. Think of the mannerisms and expressions we use, the body postures we hold, the way we handle our voice, how we respond to specific stimuli, what phobias or philias we have, and all of our talents and passions: all of that is bound up in what is known as implicit memory.

In about a third of the cases the subjects in early childhood exhibit phobias or aversions which almost always directly correspond to the way in which the previous personality died. These phobias may be related to the instrument that killed them, the mode of death, or the site at which they claim to have died. Those who drowned will fear being immersed in water. Those who were shot to death will fear guns and loud noises akin to a gunshot. The kind of phobias, in other words, that are not difficult to imagine given the circumstances surrounding their death.

The subject may also exhibit the polar opposite of phobias, however – what Stevenson called philias, but which could also be referred to as fetishes, obsessions, fixations, attachments, or addictions stemming from a previous life. They may, for instance, display homesickness and an apparent inability to let go of their previous lifestyles and circumstances, demanding that they be taken to their “real” home and to their “real” parents, husbands, wives, mistresses, or children. They may beg to be taken to their “real home,” attempt to run away to do it themselves, or even accuse their present parents of kidnapping them. They may have cravings for alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs that the previous personality had been addicted to. They may be attracted to certain clothes, music, or foods related to their previous incarnation. In at least one case, there is allegedly also a suggestion that even their handwriting style may carry over. Children will also often act out their previous occupations, reenact death scenes, and even seek vengeance upon their killers.

They may also exhibit “sexual precocity,” specifically towards romantic or sexual partners of the previous personality. Those born into a body that is the opposite sex of their previous incarnation, Stevenson says, almost always develop gender dysphoria, where they cross-dress or behave like the opposite sex. This may fade over time; if not, he said, the personality becomes homosexual – and though he did not mention it, I feel that it would explain those who are legitimately transgender even better. Sometimes the reborn insist that their names be changed to the names they had in their former life — or, for those who switched biological sex in their present incarnation, they will prefer the other-sex forms of their previous names.

Most astounding of all, perhaps, is that the children may also display strange talents carried over from their previous incarnation. In an interview with Omni, Stevenson commented on how it was relatively easy to explain away the talents of, for instance:

“.. such composers as Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven, all of whose fathers were fine musicians. But what about George Frederic Handel? His family had no discernible interest in music; his father even sternly discouraged it. Or take the cases of Elizabeth Fry, the prison reformer, and Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing. Both had to fight for their chosen callings from childhood onward. One can find endless examples that are difficult to explain given our current theories. But if one accepts the possibility of reincarnation, one can entertain the idea that these children are demonstrating strong likes, dislikes, skills, and even genius that are the logical results of previous experiences. I have found some children with skills that seem to be carried over from a previous life.”

Lastly, there is what I call morphological memory, which deals with the form and appearance of the body, which serves as a reference point and structure for all other forms of memory: when we recall explicit memories, specifically episodic memories, we necessarily experience it through the body as it was at the time; when we enact implicit memory, specifically procedural memory, it certainly involves the body as it was at the time.

Morphological memory manifests in CORT in two major areas.

The first arises out of the fact that sometimes the physical appearance of the subject roughly corresponds to the physical appearance of the previous personality, particularly with respect to facial architecture. The idea seems to be most passionately pursued by one Walter Semkiw, MD, though his research doesn’t seem to be very grounded in my eyes. More convincing is the specific case of one Jeffrey J. Keene, an Assistant Fire Chief who lives in Westport, Connecticut. He has come to believe he’s the reincarnation of John B. Gordon, who was a Confederate General of the Army of Northern Virginia during the American Civil War. Though Keene was not investigated by Ian Stevenson, as with many of Stevenson’s cases Keene and Gordon share physical marks that correspond to one another. Namely, there are six places on Keene’s body where he has either cluster veins, scars, or other markings that correspond to the wounds that Gordon suffered during the Civil War. More important, however, is the incredible likeness between the two in terms of physical appearance.

While Stevenson didn’t focus on this aspect of his cases, he has noted it. When he did follow-up studies years later on some of the children he had previously interviewed, what he found was that they had grown to bear a striking similarity to the physical appearances of the adults they claim to have been in a former life.

One aspect of morphological memory that he did focus on, however, are birthmarks and deformities of his subjects that were found to correspond with wounds and mutilations, in both appearance and location, of the body of the previous personality. In order to confirm this correlation between wounds and birthmarks or deformities, he often has to rely on the memories of surviving friends or relatives regarding the exact locations of the wounds, though in many other cases, he’s been able to get a hold of autopsy and medical records.

Though birthmarks are quite common, he focuses on those that bear an “elevated nevus” – a three-dimensional area that is either depressed, elevated, or puckered – and not merely the typical discoloration. He claims that they are indistinguishable from the scars of healed wounds. Some such birthmarks he’s studied have been found to correspond to bullet wounds (entry and exit, which is just weird) or stab wounds that were the cause of the death of the former body. Sometimes it’s more than a birthmark, though: it’s a deformity. He spoke of children with deformed limbs or even missing toes or fingers who claimed to remember being murdered in a past life, and that the killer had removed these toes or fingers in the process.

These birthmarks and deformities don’t always relate to the mode of death, however. He also has cases in which they correspond to injuries or marks from surgeries that happened at some point close to the time of death. There was, for instance, the case of a boy who lost his fingers in a machine accident, died of an unrelated illness the following year, and was born without those fingers on his right hand. Even more curious are cases that Tucker refers to as “experimental birthmarks.”  As is a practice apparently common in some Asian countries, a person will mark a dying body in hopes that it will show up on the body the individual takes on in the proceeding incarnation. A family member or close friend will make a mark on a dead or dying person with ash, paste, or something similar, believing that when the person is reborn in another body — within the same family, it is usually suspected — that person will bear the same mark in the form of a birthmark and so be identifiable as the previous individual.

Even more amazing are the allegedly profound psychological as well as physical healings that take place in some of these cases. While, as formerly mentioned, DOPS doesn’t deal with past life memories recalled under hypnosis, many such cases in which an individual underwent hypnosis to face apparently past life traumas have cured them of debilitating phobias and other psychological ailments. It doesn’t stop at merely psychological ailments, either.

Take, for instance, the case of Edward Austrian, son of Patricia and Donald Austrian. He had a fear of rain — particularly ”dark, gray, drizzly, damp days,” his mother said — from the time he was about one year of age. He also had chronic throat problems, which he referred to as ”my shot.” Eventually, this throat problem was revealed to be a large, noticeable cyst in his throat, and the doctors decided to remove his tonsils as the first step in surgery. After the surgery at age four, Ed confessed to his parents that he had been an 18-year-old soldier named James during the First World War. He explained in detail how he had made his way through the mud in the rain and cold, how he held his heavy rifle, how he saw a field of trees, and, beyond that, deathly desolation. And he explained then how he had heard a shot ring out behind him, and how the bullet had evidently gone through someone else and then hit him in the back of the neck, after which he felt his throat fill up with blood. After he had broken the ice and could talk about the matter freely with his parents, his fear of rain vanished, as did the cyst — to the amazement of his doctor, Steven Levine, as well as Ed’s own father, who was a doctor as well.

While Stevenson has remarked that these past life memories have benefited the children who have recalled them very little, according to his own investigations, and in his eyes often quite to the contrary, the case of Edward Austrian would seem to suggest otherwise. The implication, in this case, is that if an individual can recall their previous lives, accept them, work through the trauma, and confess the experience to trusted and suitably compassionate individuals, it can not only be psychologically transformative to such individuals but perhaps even inspire physical healing,

III. ON THE NATURE OF THE PSYCHOSPORE.

In the midst of his research into CORT, Stevenson realized that if these cases did indeed constitute evidence of reincarnation, then some nonphysical medium must necessarily exist that was capable of carrying what I call the explicit, implicit, and morphological memories of an individual from one life to the next, and for this reason he gave birth to the notion of a psychospore.

In the field of astral projections, OBEs, Apparitions of the Living, and NDEs, this “psychospore” goes under other names, among them the subtle body, which I’ve personally adopted, if only out of convenience. Some of those who report OBEs, particularly when they have the experience frequently, describe the subtle body as existing both in and around the physical body, roughly corresponding to what many clairvoyants describe as the aura or energy field they perceive as existing in and around all living beings. An OBE occurs, then, when the subtle body to some degree detaches from the physical body, though even when traveling a long distance it becomes clear from the reports of their experiences that they somehow remain partially attached to the physical body, as noises or other things occurring to the physical body or in its physical surroundings can prematurely end the exosomatic excursion. In this light, NDEs would constitute coming to the very edge of severance before snapping back like elasticity to the physical – and death would then constitute the permanent and complete detachment of the subtle body from the physical body in question.

What the morphological memory aspect of CORT suggests is that a two-way avenue of influence between the subtle body and physical body exists, but that the dynamic changes over the course of corporeal existence. The older one gets, in other words, the more the physical body has an influence on the subtle body, whereas, in youth, the physical body seems more sensitive to the influence of the subtle body – to the point that the subtle form serves as a sort of template or blueprint for physical development. I can only assume the reason resides in the fact that the subtle body is incredibly sensitive and responsive to consciousness and that the older one gets, the more one tends to identify with the physical body they inhabit. There seems no other way to explain the likenesses between the facial architecture of an individual and who they recall having been in a previous life, or how death wounds and mutilations, surgeries, and “experimental birthmarks” can carry over as birthmarks and deformities in the new body. In addition, it also helps explains ghost encounters, apparitions of the living, and even the reports of some of those who experience OBEs.

When in their subtle bodies, I’ve personally noted that OBErs describe taking on one of three forms that correspond to how living individuals having encounters with ghosts describe their appearance. I call these three forms the Orb, the Mass, and the Apparition.

The Orb is when the exosomatic individual experiences their “body” as merely a point of awareness, sometimes one that can see in all directions simultaneously. In ghost encounters, this involves coming into contact with what is described as a transparent or glowing orb or sphere of light. Many intriguing videos and photographs have been captured of such Orbs, though others are clearly dust particles.

The Mass is when the exosomatic individual experiences his body as an ambiguous, fluid form and is seen by external observers as an amorphous blob, clump, or stream of fluid smoke.

Lastly, they can manifest as an Apparition, which is to say in a humanoid form, and while from the perspective of the exosomatic individual, it would seem that it’s all the same, from the perspective of observers, this clearly comes in degrees. At one extreme it can take the form of a three-dimensional shadow, but it can also take on the physical characteristics the person has or had during life, complete with clothing, and can appear as a partial apparition, manifesting just part of the body, or a complete, full-body apparition. It may be transparent or it may take on a solidified appearance as if a truly physical individual were standing before you, and in some bizarre cases seeming physical contact apparently indistinguishable from actual physical contact can even take place between the apparition and a living, embodied individual.

It is in the case of apparitions that some rare nay-sayers tend to have a field day in mocking such experiences. I have heard some point out that ghosts not only appear as they did during life but also wear clothes – a fact usually referenced in the context of an attempt to discredit such experiences. Never have I heard it pointed out that, from the perspective of OBErs, there is also the matter of their sense perception being just as it would be if they were experiencing the world through the sense organs of the physical, human body, even when they are not in Apparitional form.

What these two observations – and in fact, all three forms of the exosomatic, be they biologically living or dead – seem to imply is that the subtle body or “psychospore” is sensitive and as a result responsive to consciousness. The Orb represents the exosomatic individual in a highly-focused, active state, and the Mass the exosomatic individual in a state more akin to relaxed free-association and mental wandering. The state of the Apparition, however, would first imply some background, namely that during physical life the subtle body gets conditioned by its experiences in and through the physical body – and secondly, it would imply that the aforementioned conditioning has been so redundant and intense (as one would suspect) that even during an OBE (be one biologically alive or dead) that the subtle body often tends to default to that conditioned form, complete with its trappings, particularly when attempting to make contact with physical surroundings or embodied individuals. This would help explain why when complete apparitions appear they appear as they commonly did during life (repetition) and/or as they did at the time of death (emotional intensity), often manifesting the wounds given to them through the death experience as well. This may also influence one’s desire to reincarnate into a similar (which is to say human) form, but it also seems to affect the development of one’s specific physical appearance once reincarnated.

III. LAPPING FROM THE RIVER LETHE.

Accepting both the subtle body and reincarnation as a reality, however, leaves many questions in the wake, and serves to give those questions emphasis. Two such questions I’ll explore here both involve memory.

Firstly, why is it that most people don’t have access to explicit memories of their former lives, and even the children that do typically forget those memories as they grow older?

One possibility I find to be likely is that amnesia for previous lives serves as a survival strategy for the individual in the present psychological and social context. For some eleven to fourteen years, after all, the human infant is kept in the “second womb” of the home or tribe, mainly around the mother, to ensure survival, growth, and adaptation to the circumstances in which they were born. Here, the infant is not only nourished with food, water, and protection but provided with intellectual and emotional sustenance and behavioral training that allows the child to acquire the skills necessary for their eventual birth from that second womb. In this light, one could easily imagine that recalling previous existences or even the major portion of one’s present life would serve to hinder more than help, perhaps even constituting a direct threat to proper development. Implicit memory and morphological memory remain, of course, but explicit memories just get in the way, so they get buried in our minds.

To look at it from another angle, it may just be a far broader manifestation of the mechanism in our brains that allow us to screen out other conversations and chatter in a crowded restaurant so as to hone in on the conversation we are having with the person on the opposite side of our own table. In other words, our brains focus on our immediate needs and screen out all that is irrelevant to that end. Amnesia regarding former lives has survival value, so it constitutes a successful adaptation in an evolutionary context.

If that is the case, at least for most people, then the question becomes why some of us remember our previous lives at all.

One possible reason might reside in the fact that in 61% of Stevenson’s case files, the subject remembered a violent death (and a sudden one, of course, as violent deaths are typically unexpected by nature). Finding that the roughly 40% of cases in which the subject died of natural death too vague of a category, in his work 20 Cases of Reincarnation, Stevenson further divided natural deaths into four groups: (1) those who died suddenly, within a day or so of presumed health, (2) those who died young, which is to say under twelve years of age, (3) those who died with unfinished business – a mother dying, leaving children behind; debts to pay off or collect – and, last but not least, (4) those that died and, having been reborn, were intent on “continuing business,” which involves being in a state of ambition at the time of death that then carries over into the subsequent life.

Combinations of these five factors can be found in the majority of Stevenson’s cases. In all cases, be the deaths natural or violent, then, we could say that the individuals died with lives they naturally would consider to be incomplete.

This may also help explain why the past life memories collected by DOPS are predominantly “near-sighted”, which is to say that the children can recall with most clarity things that had happened closest to the time of death. This makes sense if you think about it. During life, we are pretty much the same way in regards to the history of our current lifetime: we remember most clearly events closest to us in a temporal sense or closest to us in an emotional sense. Certainly, such a violent means of expiration is close to the individual in both a temporal and emotional sense, and perhaps, therefore, triumphs over the amnesia that would have otherwise set in.

If this is the case, however, we might wonder why most of those children who do recall their past lives nonetheless fail to recall the interim between their lives – and, of course, why some of us do.

After all, in Steveson’s case files the average space of time between death and rebirth is usually about 15 months, and it’s rarely over three years, so surely something happens in the intervening period. So what happens? It’s not just that I haven’t read of many cases myself, either: in an interview, Stevenson explained how this is typical of many of the cases of reincarnation he researches. The children act as if they were leading the former life one moment and then, all of a sudden, poof, they wake up as a baby without warning. Adults trapped in little bodies.

Take the case of two-year-old Celal Kapan, a young Turkish boy in one of Ian Stevenson’s case files, who, almost as soon as he had mastered the language, asked his parents a peculiar question.

“What am I doing here? I was at the port.”

As he grew older, he would come to detail how he had been a dock worker and how he had fallen asleep one day in the cargo hold of a ship. While asleep, a crane operator, not knowing he had been there, was loading the ship and had dropped a heavy oil drum on him. He couldn’t understand what had happened, as it certainly hadn’t killed him — he wasn’t dead, after all. So how had he all of a sudden come to be here, with this strange family, in this strange body?

One hypothesis compares the interim period to a dream. We may remember a dream immediately upon awakening, but it slowly fades from our grasp the longer we are awake. Even so, we can remember quite clearly what happened the day prior. So it’s quite possible that those like Kapan did indeed have an intermission experience, even if they could not access those memories naturally, as they did when it came to their former life.

Some of us, however, tend to have good dream recall. Similarly, there are a minority of CORT cases, which DOPS has designated as Cases of the Reincarnation Type with memories of the Intermission between lives (CORT-I), where children not only recall their past lives but also recall the period between death and rebirth. This is where we shall turn our attention next.

IV. OF CORPOREAL COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

Jim Tucker and Poonam Sharma explored CORT-I in their paper, unambiguously entitled Cases of the Reincarnation Type with Memories from the Intermission Between Lives. At the time of the paper, of the some 1200 CORT cases which had been fed into their database, 276 qualified as CORT-I, and it was upon this that they based this paper. Tucker later expanded on the subject in his 2005 book, Life Before Life.

The paper was based on a study of 35 Burmese children in the CORT-I category, from which they identified a pattern and subsequently developed what they called a “three-stage temporal scheme” to outline how these intermission experiences tend to unfold. Though they emphasized that this was only preliminary, that not all subjects experienced every stage, that there may be changes in the sequence in some cases, and that “while the specific imagery may be culture-specific” (presumably in reference to experiences in “another realm,” a subject explored below), comparisons suggested that these three stages were applicable not just to the aforementioned Burmese cases, but to cases from all across the world.

While they did not emphasize it in the aforementioned paper, it’s also important to understand that at every stage the subject may also have intermission memories that involve them being in “terrestrial” locations and/or in “another realm,” which summons associations with related areas of paranormal study, particularly reports of out of body experiences (OBEs), ghost encounters, and Near Death Experiences (NDEs).

1. TRANSITIONAL STAGE.

In the first, Transitional Stage, the “discarnate” earn their title and must deal with the struggles inherent in emotionally detaching themselves from the previous lifetime. For some, this may involve the fundamental issue of coming to terms with the fact that one is dead. For others, this may be evident to them early on. They may hang around the body, and even witness their own funeral. Sometimes they hang around the family for a time or remain around the death site. Attempts at contacting loved ones may be made, often (though curiously, not always) attempts that prove futile, or they may find themselves driven away by the grief of their loved ones. Often this stage meets its end when they encounter an elder who guides them to an area that essentially becomes their residence for the length of their stay during the intermission period.

This stage brings to mind Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s concept of DABDA. In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, she describes a five-stage emotional coping process that many people go through in the wake of the death of a loved one or the realization of their own, impending expiration. While every individual is unique and it may not apply to everyone, and while even when they do apply they may not manifest in the linear fashion she proposed, she adopted the acronym DABDA for the stages she defined as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance.

The Transitional Stage of CORT-I seems to deal primarily with overcoming Denial, and though Acceptance may be reached in this stage, it may go no further than Denial until one reaches the Stable Stage – and for some, perhaps, they may never arrive at Acceptance at all.

2. STABLE STAGE.

In the following stage, called the `stable stage’, the discarnate will settle in a particular location that becomes a sort of home or, perhaps more accurately, a temporary residence. This may be a holy temple, the place where one previously lived, the place of death, or — and this is interesting — they may even inhabit a tree. Here, they interact with other discarnates, and these interactions run the gamut. In other words, they may be pleasant, or they may be total assholes.

The reports of “terrestrial” experiences during the intermission seem in many ways to tell the same stories you hear in anecdotes regarding hauntings and encounters with the dead, the difference in this case being, of course, that the anecdotes are related not from the perspective of the haunted, but from the haunting. This leads one to suspect that many cases of enduring haunting may represent discarnate who have never managed to escape the disembodied state, never achieved the “Acceptance” stage of DABDA or the Stable Stage of CORT-I, and in support of this hypothesis the two categories share some intriguing overlap.

Interestingly, though perhaps not coincidentally, the same factors Stevenson identified in the children of CORT and CORT-I cases are said to be present in cases of haunting: their lives were incomplete. When dying too early, we might say, it would seem that individuals are prone to cling to the passions, people, and places that they had been attached to during life, and these attachments compel them to either haunt them like a ghost or quickly reincarnate following their deaths, typically in an area close in proximity to the place in which they died, or even within the family in which they died, and in any case having remembered who they previously were, at least for as long as they are able.

As mentioned earlier, this suggests that to one degree or another, they may be stuck in the initial, “denial” phase of DABADA, unable to accept their own premature deaths and adapt to their current circumstances in a healthy and productive manner. Or they may have moved past Denial, to Anger, where they remain.  It would be interesting to subject these reincarnation cases to analysis and see if they follow the other stages of DABDA and if the final phase, Acceptance, has any relation as to when – or if – they began forgetting their past life memories.

To provide some semblance of hope: if the American cases of CORT and CORT-I displayed in the television series Ghost in My Child are to be believed, at least some of these children can gain a sense of closure and accomplish the final A in DABDA, and then go on with living their present lives.

During this stage, they often interact with other discarnates. They may also have successful communications with the friends and family of one’s previous life. They can communicate through departure dreams, as apparitions, and even through poltergeist phenomena.

To offer another example, Stevenson also writes of Veer Singh, a man who allegedly previously lived a life as a man named Som Dutt. After death as Som Dutt, he reports hanging around the Dutt family, following family members when they left the house in the evening. He was able to reveal details to Stevenson regarding the Dutt family — that children were born, that they bought a camel, that they were involved in a lawsuit — all stuff that had occurred after Som Dutt’s death and before his reincarnation as Veer Singh. Som Dott’s mother claimed that she had a dream that Som tattle-tailed on his brother, who he said he’d been following him as he snuck out of the house at night to attend local fairs. When she confronted her son about this, he admitted to doing so, and that was the first time anyone else in the house knew about it.

3. RETURN STAGE.

Assuming that the discarnate in question is ultimately recycled back into the flesh, they come to experience the third stage, the Return Stage. During this return stage, the discarnate may communicate with their past or future relatives through dreams and might again appear as apparitions or interact with the physical environment through poltergeist activity. And here is where we might hope to find out whether we chose our present life, or at least our present parents, and answer questions regarding our motivations and limitations as well as the process by which we become reborn.

With respect to this final, return stage, there is also the matter of seeming geographical and temporal restraints, specifically with respect to where one died and where they were subsequently reincarnated. One might like to imagine that after death, one has the ability to incarnate anywhere in the world – or even off-world – that one chooses, and at any time, but at least within the cases amassed by the Division of Perceptual Studies, that doesn’t seem to be the case. They almost always seem rather bound, geographically speaking, with respect to where they died – destined to be born within the same country, the same town or village, even, in some cases, in the same family – and within a limited amount of time.

In the aforementioned paper on CORT-I, they do their best to narrow down the distance between the place of death and the place of rebirth. The mean distance for CORT-I is 201 kilometers; the median distance, 20 kilometers. For CORT, the mean distance is 255 kilometers; the median is 14 kilometers. They added, however, that these estimates were skewed by a small number of extremely-long-distance cases.

In addition, there are temporal constraints: the average space of time between death and rebirth is usually about 15 months. I have thus far been unable to find any data that suggests a distinction between CORT and CORT-I in this area.

Within CORT, there is evidence that seems to suggest that there are circumstances or perhaps personality types that do not choose through whom they are born – or perhaps that they did choose their parents, but merely forgot having done so, or even their underlying motivations. After all, some children act as if they were in their last life one minute and had woken up in a child’s body the next (“I was just at the port!”). This, I confess, could be adequately explained by the amnesia regarding the period between lives that plague the bulk of CORT, but these don’t represent the bulk of cases I’ve come across. Very often, children of the CORT are very unhappy with their living conditions, circumstances, and parents, often demanding to be taken back to their family of the previous life or attempting to run away in an effort to return to their former home on their own. These children act as if they had been kidnapped and held prisoner, which makes perfect sense from their perspective – but it does not make it easy for me to believe that these children choose their parents during some forgotten period between death and rebirth. It seems far more likely that reincarnation in these cases was reactionary – an unconscious and automatic process rather than a conscious and deliberate one.

Within both CORT and CORT-I, however, there exists anecdotal evidence that at least in some circumstances, discarnates can choose their parents, and this evidence easily falls into three distinct categories.

First is what Tucker refers to as Predictions. This typically manifests as some elderly individual who declares to loved ones that they plan on reincarnating through a particular woman, and some time after the death of that elderly individual that particular woman has a child that bears explicit, implicit and/or morphological memories that correspond to the life of the aforementioned individual. Tucker maintains that they occur frequently among the lamas of Tibet and in the Tlingit, an Alaskan tribe.

Second, are the intermission memories provided by some children of CORT-I in which they explained the process of choosing their present parents out of their own volition, or perhaps through being unconsciously compelled, or how they were taken to them by guides or are directed by the old man mentioned earlier. A story that illustrates a possible manifestation of this stage is as follows. One rainy day, after hanging around that tree where he was murdered some seven years ago, Chamrat saw the man who would be the father of Bongkuch Promsin. He then followed Mr. Promsin onto a bus and to his home. Mr. Promsin later told Stevenson that shortly before his wife became pregnant, he had indeed gone to visit Hua Tanon, and that day it was indeed raining.
In some cases, they describe having fought to be born through a particular family, or even an individual.

In many American cases, Tucker points out, children talk about being in heaven and choosing their next parents. Some children report having followed them home as they pass by doing their daily activities. They may have memories surrounding the pregnancy, of their experience in the womb, of the actions of the parents during pregnancy, and even have memories of being born. While I was passionately interested in the manner in which they described the process of reincarnating, I didn’t expect that such details would be available, much less provided in the paper. I was pleasantly surprised, as nine of the 35 CORT-I Burmese children did:

“This was most often by transforming into a grain of rice or speck of dust in the water and being ingested by the mother. A few went to considerable lengths, having to try repeatedly when either they were rebuffed by guardian spirits or the water was thrown out as dirty.”

Third is what Stevenson referred to as “Departure Dreams,” which involve the discarnate saying goodbye to their former family and suggesting where they will next be incarnating, as well as the more common “Announcing Dreams,” where they either ask permission or provide a sort of statement of intent to a member of the family they wish to be born into. Of this, Stevenson writes:

“The announcing dreams, especially the petitionary ones, also suggest that a discarnate personality has chosen the family for his next incarnation. In a few announcing dreams one senses even a determination on the part of the discarnate personality for rebirth in a particular family. In one Haida case a deceased person appeared in the dream of a potential mother and grumbled to her about being kept waiting to reincarnate. In chapter 4 I described how Samuel Helander’s mother had a dream in which her brother Pertti (whose life Samuel later remembered) urged her not to have an abortion. A parallel case, that of Rajani Sukla, occurred in a family of India. A daughter of the family was killed in an accident. Later, her mother had a dream in which the daughter seemed to announce her wish to be reborn to her. Rajani’s mother, however, did not wish to have another child and induced an abortion. The deceased child appeared again in a dream and rebuked the mother for not letting her reincarnate. Eventually, the mother consented and gave birth to Rajani, who later remembered the life of her older sister.”

Elsewhere, he adds:

“Announcing dreams have been reported in all of the countries where we find these cases… The dreams vary in their form. Among the Tlingit, the discarnate personality appearing in an announcing dream often conveys symbolically his intention to reincarnate. For example, in the dream he may walk into the house with his suitcase and deposit it in one of the bedrooms; or he may enter the parents’ bedroom and lie down between them. In contrast, announcing dreams among the Burmese often represent the discarnate personality as petitioning to reincarnate in the family chosen. This suggests that the dreamer has the option to refuse such a request.”

In Children Who Remember Previous Lives: A Question of Reincarnation, Stevenson goes on to say:

“Much less frequent than announcing dreams are what I call departure dreams. In a dream of this type, a member of a deceased person’s family — his widow perhaps — dreams that the deceased person indicates the family in which he can be found after his reincarnation.”

While interesting, one might wonder why these relatively rare CORT-I merit anything more than a passing glance, particularly given the fact that typically little evidence can be provided in support of these intermission memories. Similarly, one might wonder why such cases would be so rare, anyway – why would some remember intermission memories, yet others do not? In the aforementioned paper, they explored these questions, and what they found was quite interesting indeed, as it turns out both the aforementioned questions have the same answer.

Though both CORT and CORT-I were found to be similar in all respect save for those characteristic intermission memories, the CORT-I proved to be supported by stronger evidence in four categories, all but one of which correspond to the categories of memory I used earlier to describe the evidence they’ve amassed in CORT. The evidence was stronger with respect to explicit memory, for instance, which is to say children with intermission memories made more statements regarding their alleged former incarnation that were subsequently verified. It was also stronger with respect to their implicit memory, or the behaviors, talents, phobias, and other unconscious and automatic tendencies associated with the previous personality. Even in the arena of morphological memory, in the birthmarks and birth defects that corresponded to the death wounds or other marks or scars on the previous personality’s body both prior to and even after death, there was stronger evidence.

What their comparisons revealed is that the only real difference between CORT and CORT-I cases is that the individuals in CORT-I have exceptionally better memories. As a consequence, CORT-I would seem to not only represent the strongest of the available CORT cases but also depict the most accurate portrayal we have available to us of what life after death is like – or, more accurately, what the interim between lives is like.

Taken as a whole, the structure of samsara seems rather clear: we die, we haunt for a stretch, then we succumb to the impulse to embody matter once again. During that haunting stretch, however, we not only reside as an often invisible and otherwise indetectable resident of the physical realm but have access to another place entirely – and though it may be related to the otherworldly realm we access during corporeal life, which is to say the dreamscape, that doesn’t diminish the implications at all.

V. OF DREAMS & OTHER REALMS.

As previously mentioned, during both NDEs and CORT-I subjects report experiences in two distinct contexts: the physical realm and another, otherworldly realm. In both NDEs and CORT-I, cross-cultural studies have revealed the nature of this otherworldly realm in both cases is clearly culturally influenced. The easy explanation is that discarnates dream just as the living do and this otherworldly realm is, in fact, the dream state we’re already quite familiar with, though clearly of a more lucid quality than that which is typically experienced during corporeal life. This may be due to the fact that the dreams of the discarnate are no longer regulated, influenced, and interrupted by biological functions.

No ears to pick up the irritating sounds of the alarm clock. No full bladder that nags you into waking up to relieve yourself. Perhaps even no NREM or REM stages to structure sleep in a cycle, nor any effects caused by caffeine or other drugs on that cycle.

That discarnates dream is already implied in CORT and CORT-I in what Stevenson has referred to as “arrival dreams” and “departure dreams.” In tandem, the telepathic effects of the dreams of the discarnate are implied as well. In departure dreams, a recently dead individual will contact living loved ones in the dream state indicating through whom they intend to reincarnate, whereas in arrival dreams the parents-to-be will be visited in the dream state with the discarnate announcing their intention to reincarnate as their child-to-be.

Interestingly enough, this type of telepathic dream phenomenon isn’t just known to be a characteristic of the dreams of the dead but has been reported between two or more living individuals as well.

In the field of parapsychology, there are experiments dealing with what are known as Telepathic Dreams in which a sleeping individual (“the receiver”) telepathically picks up on the thoughts, emotions, and experiences of a waking individual (“the sender”) and weaves them into a dream, with the content of the dream in question varying from symbolic on one end to literal on the other. Outside of the context of parapsychological experiments, this has occurred when the so-called “sender” is not, at the very least, deliberately sending, and the so-called “receiver” is not intentionally receiving, however, so it appears that the conscious intent of only one is necessary for this phenomenon to occur – or that it may occur spontaneously, without the conscious intention of either, and in any case making these titles rather arbitrary at best.

Though this isn’t exactly what seems to be happening in arrival and departure dreams (though for all we know it still could be), these dreams described by Stevenson do seem to be indistinguishable from what has been variously referred to as shared dreams, collective dreams, mass dreams, group dreams, reciprocal dreams or, as Linda Lane Magallón calls them in her book of the same name, the experience of Mutual Dreaming. Unlike Telepathic Dreams – and so far as I can discern, this is the only difference – mutual dreams occur when all involved individuals are asleep and dreaming. As a consequence (assuming only two are involved), unless it is borne out of the intent of one without the knowledge of the other, distinguishing the sender from the receiver is difficult if not impossible. For all we know, all involved could be sending and receiving simultaneously.

According to Magallón, mutual dreams come in two main types, Meeting Dreams and Meshing Dreams, both of which have a spectrum of intensity.

Most of the mutual dreams she’s collected come in the form of Meshing Dreams. At the weaker end of the spectrum, they are quite similar to Telepathic Dreams with respect to how the contents of the dreams of both dreamers appear to suffer from telepathic cross-contamination. They share elements, images, or themes, but the individuals involved do not encounter each other in the context of their dreams. At the most intense end of the spectrum, where the “meshing” is complete, while the involved dreamers will still not see each other within the context of the dream, they seem to embody the same point of view in an identical dream environment. Given the similarity with Telepathic Dreams, the natural assumption would be that in the case of two dreamers, for instance, one dreamer is having a personal dream while the other, the receiver, is telepathically picking it up and consequently weaving the telepathic data into the content of their own. In other words, the dream of the receiver will have elements that resonate with the dreaming experience of the target, or even share the dreaming experience of the target, though the target may have no role in the experience at all.

More interesting to me are what Magallón calls Meeting Dreams, which are distinct from Meshing Dreams in that they involve two or more individuals reportedly inhabiting the same dreamscape, but from their own, individual perspectives, just would be the case in the physical realm, and where they appear to one another as they do in physical life. They may even be in different areas of the dreamscape for a time before encountering one another, though at least one of the dreamers sees the other. Far more interestingly, often enough both dreamers see and even interact with one another. This can apparently also occur during false awakenings. She also cites cases in which the individual dreamers may also be in different states of consciousness, which is to say that one dreamer may be at a low level of consciousness while the other is lucid dreaming – which is to say the person is awake within the dream, and may even know they are dreaming.

All of this, taken together, became incredibly intriguing to me for two reasons. First, if the corporeal can share dreams with one another, and the discarnate can share dreams with the corporeal, then it would not be a leap to assume that discarnates can share dreams with other discarnates.

Most curious of all, however, is the fact that these meeting dreams are not limited to merely two individuals. On the contrary, she shares numerous reports of multiple dreamers inhabiting the same dream. This immediately led me down a rabbit hole of speculation, for even if dreams – personal or otherwise – only exist for as long as a dreamer is dreaming it, so long as at least one individual remains in a Meeting Dream it could potentially be sustained. If you take some time and consider this, you begin to imagine how it might be if one could learn to initiate meeting dreams intentionally and then train others across the globe with whom you could share dreams. If you factor in time zones, where the sleeping schedules of members of this global group were to always overlap in such a way that a meeting dream was never unoccupied, one could continue such a mutual dream indefinitely – especially if the network grew and elder members, once they died, remained as nodes in the network.

In essence, one could say that this would be like creating a stable, parallel reality – but then the real question arises: is it only “like” creating a parallel reality, or could it be the case that it is indeed one? Would this network of global mutual dreamers all constitute co-creators in a continuously-reinforced, ever-evolving parallel universe, though operating in accordance with laws that are distinct from our physical universe – which, as a consequence, would perhaps make this shared dream world more accurately described as an “alternate” universe?

To go even further, another question arises: have we done this already, through our religious belief structures? Could it be that when we die, or at least once we know that we’re dead, our expectations govern the collective “meeting dream” we ultimately find ourselves within – particularly so if we are a member of a religion and deeply connected with other followers who share our beliefs regarding what the afterlife is like?

Is this, perhaps, why the otherworldly experiences of many of those undergoing an NDE or CORT-I are so culturally-influenced?

There may be reasons to suspect this is the case. For instance, Tucker wondered why some of the children of CORT-I reported experiences in another realm while others did not, and while he stressed the results were only preliminary, he found suggestions of an answer that may work quite well with my aforementioned speculations. He found that if the previous personality died by natural means, the death was expected, and they meditated during life, they are more likely to remember another realm. The more they meditated, as a matter of fact, the greater the detail in their reports regarding that other realm. Whether these factors make them more likely to experience another realm or merely more likely to remember them cannot be ascertained, of course, but his overall findings are curious in any case.

If someone knows they are dying, they have time to anticipate their demise and – consciously or unconsciously – speculate on what an afterlife might be like. If their expectations have been shaped and ingrained into them by a particular religion and reinforced by those that they’re close to who hold the same beliefs, it would make sense, given what I’ve previously speculated, that they would, by psychological default, join their fellow believers in the discarnate dream-state in a mutual, “meeting dream” that has been fashioned by those collective beliefs. These aspects alone may naturally drive them toward such shared, exosomatic dream worlds, but it seems rather clear to me how the element of meditation might make them more liable to remember their experiences there when (or if) they subsequently reincarnate and are subsequently able to relate such experiences. While meditation has many benefits, the one that has relevance here is self-awareness and living in the moment, and it isn’t a stretch to assume how these qualities would serve to enhance memory — explicit memory most specifically.

VI. INTERSPECIES REINCARNATION.

While most cases amassed by the DOPS  involve humans incarnating into other humans, I was rather surprised to find that lifetimes as animals are also reported in some cases. In Tucker’s 2013 book, Return to Life, he described that while Stevenson was initially inclined to dismiss and even mock cases of alleged previous incarnations as other animals, as they were typically both rare and unverifiable, he eventually opened his mind to them.

In Tucker’s aforementioned book, he provided but one, lone exception to the rule.

This was a case in Thailand investigated by Francis Story, and it dealt with a boy named Dalawong. He claimed he had been a deer in a former life, but was then killed by a hunter, and subsequently incarnated into a python. In that life, he was killed in a particular cave, where he had fought with two dogs, and was finally confronted by the owner of the dogs, one Mr. Hiew, who ultimately killed him. Mr. Hiew subsequently fed the snake meat to several people, among them Dalawong’s father-to-be. In spirit form, he saw his future father and found him to be the kindest of those who were fed the meat of his former body, so he followed him home and entered the body of his mother-to-be.

At three years of age, Dalawong saw Mr. Hiew when he came to a party he was attending with his family and tried to attack him. Dalawong then recounted the story of his own former death, all of which Mr. Hiew allegedly confirmed. Unexpectedly, he then forgave Hiew and, as he got older, began killing snakes himself, though as a sort of mercy-killing, stating that living as a snake was difficult. Some two decades after his interview with Francis Story, he still believed he had lived a life as a python, and continued to go to the cave where he had died every three months to meditate.

Given the desires unique to being human, it makes sense that our natural impulse would be to incarnate again into human form, but that may amount to merely a personal preference. After all, CORT and CORT-I cases suggest that a woman can die and incarnate as a man in the following incarnation, or a man may die and subsequently incarnate into a woman. And while many children of the CORT desire to return to their former family simply because they have been unable to let go of them, and were only forced away from them due to their death, and may even attempt to run away from their current family to their former one in their subsequent incarnation, as we have seen, the motivations of other such children are more shallow: they simply don’t like being born into a poor family, for instance. One could argue that either the individual in question felt at an unconscious level that they needed to experience these circumstances even though the conscious aspect of the personality isn’t quite on board, or that perhaps guides made this decision for them. One gets the sense that they had an intense impulse to return to the flesh, however, and only chose to be born into the families they were born into out of convenience mixed with a sense of desperation. Perhaps the cases of interspecies reincarnation were made for just the same kind of reasons: if not the only available option, it was the best one within reach.

I confess it’s difficult for me to take such accounts seriously, though ultimately, given contemplation, one wonders how, if indeed reincarnation exists, such interspecies reincarnation couldn’t be the rule. Perhaps this is merely due to my default assumptions, however. For all I know, perhaps, despite the capacity to live countless lives in organic bodies, souls are also born and also die, just as their temporary shells do. My personal opinion is that this is not the case, though I, of course, haven’t the slightest suggestion of evidence in support of this working hypothesis. If souls always have been, however, or at the very least cannot die once spawned into existence, this leaves us with some rather interesting questions.

One should consider where souls currently in human flesh found their fleshy homes prior to the evolution of the human species. An easy answer would be earlier forms of life on this planet. Prior to the first organic forms of life, however, where did such souls reside? Were they merely bodiless? Or is the universe perhaps teeming with life, and all souls ultimately migrated from other life-bearing planets?

As dismal as it is, consider that we may ultimately destroy ourselves, perhaps obliterate all life on the planet in the process – and if somehow we don’t and yet fail to establish human colonies off-planet, that in five billion years our star, the sun, will bloat to become a red giant that will obliterate our planet entirely. Is that then the end of reincarnation?  Would we subsequently just be souls without bodies, or would we perhaps be able to migrate to other stars, other stellar systems, and happen upon other life-bearing exoplanets, through whom we could continue our spiritual journey?

Aliens, Auras, & The Indigo Children.

“For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.”
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.

“I can remember when I was a little boy. My grandmother and I could hold conversations entirely without ever opening our mouths. She called it ‘shining.’ And for a long time, I thought it was just the two of us that had the shine to us. Just like you probably thought you was the only one. But there are other folks, though mostly they don’t know it, or don’t believe it.”
The Shining (the 1980 film).

NIMI’S BODY LIGHT.

Though I’ve had an absurd amount of childhood memories suggesting alien encounters, the bulk of these memories were horrifying. Not all of them, however. A certain set of these memories dealt with a tall, willowy, female entity donning a monk’s robe. She looked like the typical Gray alien with lighter skin and larger eyes. I’ve called Nimi ever since the flashbacks in high school, though she had only referred to herself by her title, which she told me was The Teacher. We always communicated telepathically, through internal-yet-interpersonal dialogue as well as mental imagery. Whenever I peer back on those memories I find myself filled with warmth, as I truly value the time we spent together and all the weird and wonderful things she told me. And though I will perhaps forever be plagued by the question as to whether my memories and real-time experiences reflect reality or are merely the fantasies of a diseased mind, I continue exploring them in the hopes that I’ll earn a greater understanding.

One of the first memories that came back to me regarding her dealt with her speaking to me through my bedroom window one night, which was right beside the head of my loft bed. That was where she explained to me, mind-to-mind, how there is an energy or light that surrounds all forms of life in the universe. The light around her was green, she said, and the light around me was a certain type or shade of blue. As she spoke to me regarding the significance of the colors of body-light in general, I have vague recollections of seeing a rainbow or some form of the visible light spectrum in my mind’s eye. We then had a discussion about my bluish color and what seemed to be some confusion with respect to its classification, though the specifics escape me.

Though I had no idea when I was a young child, I believe that by the time I remembered this childhood experience during high school I knew at least vaguely about the concept she was referring to. I was a fan of Star Wars as a kid, of course, but I didn’t grasp the whole concept of the Force and how it related to all this until much later. More recently, I’ve begun to explore the cross-cultural notions of this energy in greater depth.

Many religious and spiritual philosophies over the ages have believed in this energy and that it exists within and around all living things. In Indian or Vedic cultures, this energy is known as prana. In Chinese philosophy, it’s called chi or qi. In ancient Greece, it was known as pneuma. In Japanense medicine, it is known as ki. In Hawaiian and Tahitian culture, it is called mana. In ancient Egypt, it was known as ka. In medieval philosophy, it’s known as quintessence, the fifth element. Among the Māori of New Zealand, it is known as mauri. Among Algonquian groups of Native Americans, it was known as manitou. Among the Iroquois Native Americans, it’s known as orenda. In his 1907 book Creative Evolution, French philosopher Henri Bergson called it Élan vital, which has been translated to English as either “vital impetus” or “vital force.” Dr. Wilhelm Reich called it orgone. More generally, it has been referred to as subtle energy.

When used in religious artwork, it is often called the aureola or aureole when depicted as a radiant cloud cocooning the body; at other times it is limited to the head, where it is known as the halo or nimbus and represented as a luminous disc or crown of light rays encircling the cranium. While the distinction between the halo and its full-body counterpart is often vague, they are often collectively referred to as a glory or mandorla. They come in every color, even various colors, and typically are used to denote holy figures, mythical figures, rulers or heros.

In India, the halo is known as either prabhāmaṇḍala or śiraścakra, and the aura as a whole is known as prabhāvali. In his Hypothesis of Formative Causation, Rupert Sheldrake refers to morphic fields that exist within and around everything, living or not, maintaining and evolving the patterns that characterize all that is through what he calls morphic resonance. The concept has also been embraced in modern new age religions, where it is often referred to as an aura or the human energy field. Even modern science in the West is slowly coming to incorporate this energy into their overall understanding, as the generic term “biofield” was elected in 1994 by a panel of scientists at the National Institutes of Health to denote what they described as interactive fields of energy and information surrounding and interpenetrating all living systems. These fields are comprised of not only scientifically accepted and technologically measurable electromagnetic energy, they posit, but also the thus-far-only-hypothetical subtle energy.

Though I cannot say that I have ever seen an aura myself, it would appear to be an embarrassingly perfect visual analog to the atmosphere of vibrating energy that I feel residing within and around my own body and those of others. The manner in which I feel it can be best described as some hybridized form of the kinesthetic and tactile, some subtler form of touch and movement that can be sensed independent of physical contact. Personal experience suggests that there are at least three distinct aspects or levels to this energy field, the most immediate of which seems to either correspond to an individual’s present state of consciousness or actually constitute the mind itself. In other words, it bears a frequency, vibration or “vibe” that seems to change in accordance with an individual’s emotions, moods, thoughts, and the state of their body. Interactions between my own energy and that of others seem to play a role in my involuntary empathy and telepathic experiences. Sometimes I’m only conscious of the received emotions, with the energetic sensations serving as a sort of background unless I deliberately focus on them, though often enough the energetic interactions themselves are so intense they take the foreground.

In either case, this energetic interaction seems to intensify during eye contact, as if the eyes serve a dual purpose, not only allowing us to see but also serving as psychic amplifiers — “windows” or “gateways to the soul” that provide a more direct interface to the individual mind. During or quickly following eye contact with some of my fellow human beings I have received incredibly intense bursts of emotion, more rarely imagery or internal dialogue.

There is another aspect to our aura, however, that doesn’t seem to change, at least with such frequency, and seems to represent an identifiable energetic pattern specific to the individual. This came to my attention in my teens but for a long time, despite being aware of the aura as a concept in religious and spiritual philosophies around the world, I had never heard anyone else refer to this aspect of it — until I discovered Psionics. Psionics is a portmanteau of the word psi (which itself is an umbrella term for extrasensory perception and psychokinesis) and electronics, specifically radionics. It was a term that developed in the 1940s and 50s to denote disciplines involving the application of engineering principles to the study and exploitation of parapsychological or paranormal phenomena. It was appropriated in the nineties or early aughts by a network of individuals eager to educate, experiment, practice and hone these skills. Among these “psions,” which are those who practice the art of psionics, there is a belief in what they call “psionic signatures,” or psi sigs. This is essentially a psychic fingerprint that is specific to every living thing and, according to some, every existing object. It is a marker of identity that one can detect if one is sensitive enough and Psions use it when attempting to determine the geographical location of someone. They may also do this in an attempt to establish a psionic link with others at a distance, as when trying to engage in telepathy.

Among some psions, the act of utilizing the psi-sig has been called “sig snatching,” and they have attempted to articulate the process. First, they clear their mind, focusing on blackness, and then turn their focus to the individual in question. This may involve picturing the person in their mind, perhaps using a prop such as a photo or personal possession tied to them in order to guide the psychological process, and then trying to get a feel for them. Once it seems that the focus on the individual is established, that you are “locked” on the sig and so the individual in question, they let their mind slip somewhat. Then they either open up while focusing on the desired data to be extracted and received or fixate on the data to be sent or transmitted. Naturally, when one has a genetic or emotional bond with the individual in question or has already established some form of non-psionic link in the physical landscape — through the phone, the internet, or while in spatial proximity — establishing such a link via sig snatching becomes easier.

If such a psi-sig indeed exists, it might help explain my sense that everyone has a unique, energetic pattern. It might also help explain how many, including myself, feel as though they can resonate their energy or mind with another not just when they are in close proximity but when they are at a distance and experience various forms of telepathy (such as dream telepathy) as a consequence, even without conscious intent.

There is yet another aspect of this energy, however, that seems to suggest that there are different groups of people who share certain energetic qualities that distinguish them from other such groups. It is as if there are energetic types, groups or subspecies scattered throughout the human population. For instance, some people seem to consistently drain the life from me, almost as if they were psychic parasites or mosquitos of the soul. Others seem akin to psychic furnaces, their luminous, shimmering glow from within charging me up, even cleansing my energy. During high school and occasionally since, I’ve also felt a vibe from people that suggest to me that they share my unusual experiences. I have often suspected that these were the kind of characteristics and tendencies of particular types of body-light that Nimi was distinguishing by means of light spectra.

ANATOMY OF THE SUBTLE BODY.

Reports of those who have repeated out-of-body experiences and who are awake for the apparent separation from the physical form suggest that the subtle body they exist within during their “disembodied” state exists in and around the physical body, which seems to suggest that the aura is the portion of the subtle body that extends beyond the physical skin and can potentially be perceived by certain sensitives clairvoyantly. Similarly, many religious and spiritual philosophies hold that this aura stems from not merely one subtle form but rather a hierarchy of additional, ever-subtler bodies in which every living thing exists simultaneously, with each body serving as a “band” of the aura — perhaps accounting to the various levels of aspects of the aura previously explained. Each of these subtler bodies are believed to correspond to a plane of existence, just as the physical body corresponds to the physical plane.

This makes some sense to me. While I have not had an out of body experience with respect to floating around as a disembodied entity on the physical landscape during my present life, I have had experiences that seem synonymous with what others have referred to as “astral projections” onto the “astral plane.” I remain open to the possibility that they may in fact be little more than lucid dreams, though the experiences in that realm take on a hyperreal quality that remain difficult to dismiss. In any case, in the context of these experiences I find myself in a body that seems to be composed of energy and takes on one of three potential forms: a singular point of consciousness that, if I were to look on it from a third-person perspective, I feel would appear as an orb; an amorphous or fluid form that I imagine would look a blob of energy or cloud of smoke; and a body akin to my physical vessel in terms of form, but which is instead composed of energy — namely an intensified version of what I feel within and around my physical body during my mundane, waking, material life. During these experiences, especially during those periods where I am lucid during the period where my “subtle body” separates from my physical body, there are frequencies and vibrations I cannot only feel but hear. Whether this suggests I have three distinct subtle bodies or merely one that can take on three different forms, I cannot be certain, but the general notion of having a subtle body is certainly something I can relate to experientially.

As I have detailed elsewhere, Nimi did indeed explain the concept of other planes of existence to me during one incident, namely after I told her I felt I had a “foot in two worlds.” She also mentioned that some people were better at operating on one plane than they were on others. Given that this was the only occasion I can recall in which our telepathy was cranked up to the degree that we shared and occupied the same mental space, as if we were sharing a lucid dream while still awake, it has often felt to me that she was suggesting that imagination itself may constitute a parallel reality and that I may function better in that realm than on others.

While I have no memory of Nimi explaining how the aura related to subtle bodies, I did have an odd experience, perhaps merely a dream, on October 1st of 2009 that shed some light on the subject. I suddenly found myself in some rendition of the basement of my neighbor’s house across the street when I was young, just as I had in my initial “astral projection” in May of 1995, sitting on a couch in a rather drowsy state of consciousness. Two other individuals who I sensed to be male were standing nearby, though out of my line of sight, and they spoke to both me and with one another mind-to-mind. The conversation involved the physical body being nothing more than a sort of “post body” that served as a thin slice off the top of a body composed of a more subtle form of energy or matter. Furthermore, this body itself was just a part of a greater system of subtler bodies in which conscious beings coexist.

Interestingly, I later found that this description parallels the Eastern model of the subtle bodies remarkably well. The Jiva, which in Hinduism and Jainism is equivalent to what we often refer to as the individual soul or self, is said to be enveloped within five sheaths which are in turn organized into three separate bodies. These five sheaths are said to interpetrate one another and exist inside one another in the style of a Russian Doll. There is the annamaya kosha, which is the physical sheath; the pranamaya kosha, the sheath of the breath or life-force; manomaya kosha, the mental sheath; the vijnanamaya kosha, or wisdom sheath, and finally the anandamaya kosha, or bliss sheath.

The karana sharira, or causal body, is composed of the jiva and one sheath, the anandamaya kosha. The sukshma sharira (later called the linga sharira) or subtle body, on the other hand, is composed of three sheaths: the pranamaya, manomaya and vijnanamaya koshas. Last but not least, there is the physical body, known as the sthula sharira, which is composed of the annamaya and pranamaya koshas. Of possible significance here is the fact that while the subtle body consists of three sheaths, the physical is composed of only two, and one of the sheaths of the physical body — the pranamaya kosha — is also a component of the subtle body. In light of this, one could say that the physical body is just a small part, a “thin slice off the top” of a much greater body, just as the two entities in the aforementioned dream had stressed.

This subtle body, the sukshma or linga sharira, is also believed to have its own anatomy. Subtle energy, here called prana, is carried along through the nadis, or channels, which are the subtle body’s analog to veins — similar to the meridian system in Chinese medicine. I have but one personal experience that seems to reflect this supposed aspect of the subtle anatomy, and it happened in the early aughts. I had been using my Mindgear mind machine and, as I often do, had fallen asleep in the process. At some point I abruptly awoke and could not only feel but somehow also see this luminous, golden energy racing through elaborate, interwoven tubelike structures that took the form of my whole body.

These nadis are said to intersect at points on the subtle body known as chakras, which is Sanskrit for “wheels.” In terms of function, these chakras seem to have at least two. First, they are thought to “hook up” the physical and the subtler bodies to one another. They serve as not only the intersection of the nadis of the subtle body, then, but also as the intersection at which the physical and subtler bodies connect. Second, they are much like transformers in that each chakra changes the frequency of the prana brought to them by the nadis. While there are many chakras, attention is given to a minority, typically seven (at least in the Westernized versions), the functions of which seem to serve as an ancient rendition of Maslow’s Hierarchy.

Strangely, five out of these seven chakras also correlate with the location of the major endocrine glands of the physical body, which release hormones into the blood. The remaining two chakras — the highest and the lowest, both with positions that are often depicted as residing outside the structure of the physical body — correlate with the functions of respective endocrine glands, but not their positions.

Muladhara is the first, the “root chakra,” as it is often called. It is located in the area that corresponds to the base of the spine and is associated with the adrenal gland. It governs basic needs that serve personal survival, such as food, water, sleep and security. This chakra is also said to serve as the seat of the kundalini, a form of divine energy coiled like a serpent three and a half times around the sacrum. Various practices are said to awaken the kundalini, allowing it to rise along the spine, activating the higher chakras until achieving liberation upon activating the Sahasrara chakra at or above the crown of the head.

The following chakra is Svadhisthana, the sacral chakra, located in the area between the anus and genitals and corresponding to the ovaries or testicles. It governs our creativity, sexuality, and intimacy. The third, called Manipura, is located in the solar plexus and associated with the pancreas. It serves as our “personal power center” and “gut feeling,” governing our willpower, confidence and ambition. Anahata, located at the center of the chest, corresponds to the thymus. It serves to connect the bottom three chakras, which are concerned with biological needs, to the top three, concerned more with the spiritual. It governs our relationships, our capacity for compassion for ourselves and others, emotional healing and our ability to integrate opposites.

Vishudda, chakra five, is also known as the throat chakra and governs communication and self-expression. It also purifies energy from the lower chakras and corresponds to the thyroid.

While all of that seems rather consistent among those who provide commentary on the chakra-endocrine correlation, the associations designated to the top two chakras and glands evidently suffer from some confusion. The sixth chakra is Ajna, which translates to “command” or “authority.” It is also known as the brow chakra, the third eye, the inner eye, and the mind’s eye. Its located at the center of the brow or forehead. It governs intuition, imagination, perspective, self-awareness, and psi abilities such as telepathy and clairvoyance. Sahasrara, also known as the crown chakra, is the seventh chakra, located just above the crown of the head. Its oriented towards enlightenment, understanding, knowledge, reality and truth.

Ajna is sometimes associated with the pituitary gland for some reason, and this despite the fact that it correlates exactly with the position of the pineal gland, which in this case is instead associated with Sahasrara. With a little research I must concede that this does make some sense, at least from a certain angle, as in some species there is a parietal eye that formed from the pineal gland that pokes out the crown of the head. Nonetheless, the pineal’s placement in human beings certainly corresponds to the Ajna chakra, and the fact that it is considered the third eye and the pineal is literally our third eye makes their association a rather solid one in my mind. The crown chakra, Sahasrara, is more appropriately associated with the pituitary gland despite the fact that, much like Muladhara and the adrenal, it does not correspond with its position.

Due to these correlations between the chakras and the endocrine system, some speculate that ancient practices such as yoga and meditation may serve as a means of stimulating both the subtle manifestations, the chakras, leading to altered states of consciousness, and stimulating the material manifestations, the endocrine glands, to effect the corresponding biology.

PINEAL & THE THIRD EYE.

Rather than merely a curiosity relating to the energy field I feel around myself and others, the notion of chakras makes some sense with respect to my personal experience as well. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt what I can best describe as an energetic pressure or concentration of my energy on at least three areas of my body, each of which correspond to the alleged location of particular chakras.

The lowest location on my body where I feel this corresponds to is Svadhishthana, or the sacral chakra. Considering what is associated with this chakra, this should perhaps not surprise me at all. While I have nurtured the creative impulse through various mediums throughout my life, in the areas of intimacy and sexuality I have progressed very slowly and I could best be explained as rather stagnant at present in this respect. As of the time of this writing, it’s been well over a decade since my last relationship, for instance, and nearly nine years since I’ve gotten laid or had any sort of intimate contact with a female of the species.

Another point of concentration is the chest area, corresponding to the Anahata chakra, which always feels tender, vulnerable or exposed to me. It’s one of the reasons I nearly always sleep on my belly or on my side, hugging a pillow or blanket. Indeed, ever since childhood, I’ve avoided sleeping supine for just that reason — and for the fact that it often gave me nightmares as a child. Though I cannot remember a single example of those childhood nightmares, it has been the case that sleeping this way since the age of sixteen or so has led to some frightening experiences. On March 14, 1995, I had a classic “old hag attack” when sleeping on my back. I felt an entity crawl on my bed, straddle me, and attempt to suffocate me — first by pushing its hands on my chest, and ultimately by placing its knees there and applying agonizing pressure. During at least two astral projection experiences — one on July 1st of 2003 — I also had the feeling that my subtle body and physical body were bound at the chest area by something akin to elastic.

In addition, I certainly have issues associated with the functions this chakra allegedly governs. Though I have higher aspirations, for instance, I certainly haven’t “mastered the mundane,” so to speak. I’m also rather distant when it comes to relationships, be the nature of the bond one of family, friends, or the rare significant other in my life. I have an impulse toward intimacy yet need to be free and independent, and with these seemingly contradictory drives I continue to struggle. I also have a good deal of internal conflict about damn near everything and have had many difficulties in my attempts to reconcile the opposing forces within me.

The most curious area of concentration is the center-of-the-brain and corresponding forehead area, however, just above the area between the eyes, which corresponds to the location of Ajna, the “third eye” chakra.

An opened third eye is said to result in mental clarity, emotional stability, empathy, an ability to communicate with the dead, and an affinity for nature and animals. Characteristics of a partially opened third eye encompass the above, but also psychic imbalances such as anxiety, depression, resentment, aggression, addictions, sleep issues, hypersensitivity, an overly active imagination, issues with or total resistance to authority, bipolar emotions, and either lethargy or hyperactivity.

So all of that makes sense.

In multiple areas of my life, it seems, the third eye has played a rather consistent role. This first came to my attention through the theme running through the spontaneous artwork I began producing in 1995. While in art class at school or alone in my room at home, I would either place my black Bic pen to paper and let my hands guide me along, or tape a paper to the wall and essentially cooperate with the same process through the medium of chalk pastels. This “automatic artwork,” as I later learned it be called, gave rise to some elaborate pieces, many of which featured some rendition of the third eye — either between and above the eyes or at the crown of the head. This recurring theme only came to my attention slowly, and only later, after attempts to glimpse all my bizarre experiences as a whole, did it begin to make some sense. It came back to something that happened just prior to the spontaneous false awakenings and “astral projection” experiences that I began having just prior to the automatic artwork, in late April or early May of 1995.

At the time, I had called it “aura surfing.” I awoke to find my subtle form mostly detached from my physical body, hovering at an angle just above my physical back. Despite the efforts of some unseen entity that had grabbed my feet and was violently tugging me back and forth, however, I for some reason remained stubbornly attached at the head. This ultimately led to nested false awakenings, and no longer than a few days later, intense, hyperreal astral projections in which I wrestled with an entity that I feared was either trying to possess me, kill me at a level deeper than the flesh, or both — and this continued for some time. In addition, on at least three other occasions my experiences have also suggested that both my subtle and physical body are connected at the pineal/Ajna region (as well as at the Anahata region, as formerly described).

Later on during high school, I had been incredibly sleep deprived and writing on the computer that was in the hallway just outside my bedroom door. As I wrote, I felt myself nod off and felt my subtle form rapidly “fall” backwards, away from my body in the chair, and into this huge beehive-like structure that was dimly lit and gave off the sense of being very ancient, with various objects and things kept on the rows upon rows of shelves to the side. Suddenly I pulled back abruptly from that place and lurched violently forward into my physical body on the chair. At the very moment I regained sudden and full control of my physical body, I heard a loud “click” inside of my head which felt as if it had come from the center of my brain.. It stands as the most unearthly disembodied environment I have ever been in and the only occasion in which I slipped out and back in while still awake, with no breach in continuity of consciousness.

Yet it had company in its suggestion that the pineal serves as the locale of subtle hook-up. There was also that experience, in November of 2002 I believe, in which I felt “lightning bolts” coming from my temples and striking what would correspond to the area of the pineal in my brain when I abruptly reconnected with my physical body. An experience that came to serve as further reinforcement arrived on the very morning after which I slept for the first time my former apartment. I awoke feeling my subtle form still attached to my physical body at the head, just as in the “aura surfing” so many years before, but its form was bent in the direction opposite my physical body so that my subtle feet were against the wall beside the window just behind and above my physical head. It was like an involuntary, head-bound, subtle body yoga pose.

The Ajna chakra only became more intriguing to me when I learned it corresponds with the endocrine gland known as the pineal, also known as the conarium or epiphysis cerebri. It’s a small, pine cone shaped gland of the endocrine system that is often referred to as the third eye — and for good reason. It is seen as an “atrophied photoreceptor” because, like the two eyes with which we are familiar, it is sensitive to light and comes complete with a lens, cornea, and retina. It exists in most vertebrate species and in some reptiles and amphibians it is linked with the parietal eye, which actually pokes out the top of the skull, as formerly mentioned. As animals climbed the evolutionary ladder, however, the pineal began burrowing deeper into the brain. In human beings, at 49 days after conception, in tandem with the first indications of the sex of the fetus, the pineal gland emerges. It first develops in the tissues at the roof of the mouth and then ascends to the very center of the brain, between the two cerebral hemispheres. In its final resting place, the pineal is surrounded by the limbic system, which is the emotional brain center, and in close proximity to auditory and visual sensory relay stations. It also is in close proximity to the cerebrospinal fluid channels, allowing it to secrete its manufactured chemicals into deep areas of the brain.

One such chemical is melatonin, a serotonin-derived hormone that modulates sleep patterns and both circadian and seasonal cycles. It was found that the longer the hours of daylight, the less melatonin the pineal produces, and constant exposure to light has been shown to cause pineal shrinkage and increased reproductive functions. The longer the nighttime or exposure to darkness, the more melatonin it produces, and constant exposure to darkness will shrink reproductive organs and inhibit the reproductive functions. It also informs animal of the time of year, triggering seasonal instincts.

In his book DMT: The Spirit Molecule, Dr. Rick Strassman also speaks about the pineal security system, which, for instance, typically inhibits the production of melatonin during the day. He explained how nerve cells in close proximity to the pineal release neurotransmitters known as noradrenaline and adrenaline, which activate the pineal so that it begins producing melatonin. Yet while the adrenal glands release these same neurotransmitters in response to stress, the aforementioned pineal security system usually gets rid of them.

Studies he references have shown, however, that in instances of incredibly high stress the security system can be overridden — but only minimally. This results in melatonin levels that are relatively high with respect to waking, daylight hours but which are rather typical during sleep. Even so, it causes no apparent ill effects and exposure to daylight quickly counteracts this anyway. Due to this, he argues that the production of melatonin wouldn’t justify this security system — but that the production of DMT (N,N-dimethyltryptamine) most certainly would.

DMT has been called the most potent, naturally-occurring psychedelic known to man. Despite its illegal status in the US and other countries, DMT is naturally present in our bodies and in many other plants and animals. In his aforementioned book, Strassman posits that the pineal is at least one of the areas of the human body where it is manufactured. As Joe Rogan has grown fond of pointing out, the Cottonwood Research Foundation has since done tests with rats and discovered that their pineal glands do indeed produce DMT. Though its presence in the pineals of humans has not yet been confirmed, Strassman points out that the pineal not only has all the required ingredients to produce DMT, but is also known to manufacture compounds called beta-carbolines that inhibit it’s breakdown in the body, thereby enhancing and extending the duration of its psychedelic effects in a manner akin to ayahuasca. The same security system may typically inhibit stress-induced DMT release in normal individuals, however, much like the case with melatonin.

What role would the pineal production of DMT serve? Strassman finds significance between the sexual differentiation and pineal development in the fetus 49 days after conception and the fact that, according to The Tibetan Book of the Dead, there is an intermission of exactly 49 days between the death of a soul’s former body and its reincarnation into another. He fleshes out his hypothesis even further in his aforementioned book:

“The pineal gland produces psychedelic amounts of DMT at extraordinary times in our lives. Pineal DMT production is the physical representation of non-material, or energetic, processes. It provides us with the vehicle to consciously experience the movement of our life-force in its most extreme manifestations. When our individual life force enters our fetal body, the moment in which we become truly human, it passes through the pineal and triggers the first primordial flood of DMT. Later, at birth, the pineal releases more DMT … As we die, the life-force leaves the body through the pineal gland, releasing another flood of this psychedelic spirit molecule. (pages 68-69).”

Between birth and death, however, he believes the pineal may flood our brains for other purposes as well. Along with melatonin, for instance, the pineal may release DMT during dreamtime. Many, among them Terrance McKenna, have remarked on the similar issues of amnesia one experiences following both awakening from a dream and coming out of a DMT trip. It may also play a role in the altered states that can be triggered through meditation, prayer, and even natural childbirth.

Given that stress is known to exacerbate delusions and hallucinations, he posits that in psychotic individuals there may be a malfunctioning pineal — the aforementioned security system may be weakened, in other words, allowing sufficient stress to trigger an endogenous flood of DMT that accounts for the psychosis. This hypothesis of his, I must confess, instills a good deal of fear in me, as I have previously considered — only half-jokingly — that I have a malfunctioning pineal myself, and for several reasons.

For one thing, the pineal regulates circadian rhythms and I’ve suffered from consistent insomnia since I was a kid. I also have absolutely no sense of direction, which I later found many others term directional or geographic dyslexia, and remembered reading that at least in birds, the pineal serves as an internal compass. Seeing as how my own internal compass is perpetually spinning, I wondered if this, too, could be explained by a dysfunctional pineal. In the process of writing this I did a quick Google search and discovered that studies involving both pigeons and humans suggest that calcified pineal glands can indeed cause a defective sense of direction.

Though these issues of mine fall within the accepted role of the pineal, there are also elements of my life that could be explained by its more hypothetical role in DMT production. There is, for instance, the phenomenon that began on September 30, 2002, and which I originally called “the blurs” or “a trip without a drug.” Only later would I discover they seemed to be the scintillating scotoma brought on by what are known as silent or acephalgic migraines. These are migraines that generate the hallucinogenic “aura” minus the excruciating headache — all of which, I have noticed, are triggered in me during heights of anxiety or anger. In other words, the kind of stress that might trigger a flood of endogenous DMT in someone with a weakened pineal security system.

There are also my recurring instances of “false awakenings” and so-called “astral projections” — both of which may have occurred in my childhood, but certainly began occurring by early May of 1995. These, too, seemed to be triggered by stress, and so could also be explained by a glitchy third eye secreting endogenous DMT — and I say this due to the focus of Strassman’s book.

Between 1990 and 1995, he began the first psychedelic research in the US in roughly two decades at the University of New Mexico. He administered over 400 doses of DMT intravenously to 60 pre-screened volunteers with prior psychedelic experience and along with documenting the external, observable effects took extensive notes on the subjective experiences of the participants. He describes how a remarkably high number the volunteers in his DMT research trials reported encountering entities in the context of apparently “free-standing non-corporeal realms,” or what we might call other planes of existence or parallel universes. After finding that available models failed to suitably explain these experiences, he seems to have arrived at the hypothesis that DMT may function as a sort of chemical gateway for consciousness to enter into these parallel universes.

Many of the reports he claimed to have found to resonate deeply with what has been described in Near Death Experiences (NDEs). While they are not NDEs themselves, many of those elements are also found in my so-called astral projections, which suggests to me that these experiences of mine could also be related to pineal DMT release.

Most disturbing of all to me, though, is that he also claimed to have found that many of the reports paralleled alien abduction experiences. While I’ve read his book as well as many articles and trip reports, and watched countless videos on the subject, I’ve only found that people sometimes come across reptilian or mantis beings that parallel the beings described in abduction accounts. Indeed, this alone is interesting enough, but the allegation that these psychedelic experiences parallel abduction accounts as a whole seems unfounded given what I’ve come across thus far. I also find it difficult to ignore that my astral plane experiences seem incredibly distinct from my alien encounters with respect to both my flashbacks and real time experiences, and it has been this case from the beginning. The astral plane seemed hyperreal, but a different kind of real — not physical reality. I may be perplexed during the false awakening experiences, uncertain as to whether it’s the physical reality or not, but it’s clear as day immediately afterwards at the very least and often enough during the experiences as well, as that environment operates in accordance with a different set of laws. I’ve also tried to summon the aliens during those experiences and have always failed.

So far as I can tell, abduction reports have a basis in physical reality, just as UFO sightings and close encounters do. Even so, it may be the case that they also have access to these realms, and perhaps that is why so many others have encountered them there through the DMT gateway.

A CERTAIN SHADE OF BLUE.

All things considered, Nimi’s body-light concept and the historical context I later found it to be relevant to — not to mention the context of recurring, personal experience — made a lot of sense to me. Even so, I had a hard time understanding the concept as she proposed it to me on an intellectual level.

Given that I specifically remember her having given me the mental image of a rainbow with respect to the body-light, I can be reasonably certain this was the classification system she was referring to when discussing the confusion regarding my color. This makes little sense to me, however, for light is simply the name we’ve given to the relatively narrow portion of the electromagnetic spectrum that our eyes can pick up on. We call this range of wavelengths the visual spectrum and experience different wavelengths within it as different colors, to which we then ascribe specific names. Assuming this body-light exists, it is clearly invisible to most human beings and would have to be a portion of the electromagnetic spectrum our science has yet to uncover. Why this life-glow would parallel the colors of the visible light spectrum is beyond me, though this is what Nimi appeared to be implying.

Regardless, how did my confusing blue color fit into all of this? Well, as the visible spectrum is truly continuous and division-free, our color labels are ultimately arbitrary. Different cultures ascribe differing wavelengths to the same color names, after all, and even a single system may change over time. If body-light somehow shares this spectrum, perhaps Nimi was suggesting that my designated color differed depending on what classification system was used. In any case, I would have to be a shade of blue on the cusp of one of my two spectral neighbors.

Given that her color, green, and my color, “kind of” blue, are spectral neighbors, perhaps Nimi meant to imply that my body-light was cyan. As Nimi’s light was green, perhaps our proximity on the spectrum made our energies compatible in some way that inspired her visits. In Western new age literature, at the very least, green auras are seen to represent growth, balance, and nature and they are allegedly found among those who are natural healers or teachers, which seems fitting enough for Nimi. Cyan auras are supposed to embody elements of their neighbors, and so are said to be independent, calm, organized and clear-thinking, which sounds like an ideal student for such a teacher. While I have always envied and continue to strive towards embodying those characteristics, however, they certainly don’t accurately describe me. I’m a hypersensitive, perpetually chaotic mess, to be honest.

So we come to the second possibility, which is that the classification issue with respect to my sort-of-blue aura dealt with the spectral neighbor on the other side, namely the color we call violet. This came to my attention when I learned that though once accepted as part of the color spectrum, indigo has since fallen out of favor among many modern color scientists, who have as a consequence dropped the “I” from the ROYGBIV mnemonic and now divide indigo between its neighbors, blue and violet. In essence, indigo is the Pluto of the visible spectrum, though to be fair Pluto didn’t get sliced in two over its ordeal.

In any case, this would square well with how a friend of mine explained what my aura looked like during high school. During our meditation sessions in our mutual friend’s dark bedroom, he would attempt to see auras in his mind’s eye. He placed no significance on the colors and insisted auras always change. Nonetheless, on the two occasions I asked him what my colors were at the moment he described my aura as dark blue with streaks of red in it, which is a fair description of indigo.

The alleged significance of Indigo as an aura color in New Age thought, however, didn’t come to my attention until 2002. The notion seems to have been born from a woman by the name of Nancy Ann Tappe, who has a neurological trait known as synesthesia in which two or more sensory (and perhaps extrasensory) wires get crossed, leading to bizarre, consistent and highly individualized means of (extra-)sensory experience. In the case of Tappe, it manifested itself as an alleged capacity to see an “electromagnetic energy field” or aura around all living things in the form of a spectral field of colors. For the most part, this field of colors is in a constant state of flux, changing in correspondence to an individual’s emotions, thoughts and physical health. To that degree, her explanation resonated quite strongly with my own experience of body-energy.

Tappe also spoke much about the exception, however. This she called one’s life color, and it was a single color in every individual aura that seemed to persist from womb to tomb. Aside from the stability of the life color were the shared traits she noticed among those sharing the same color, and from these synesthetic perceptions emerged a system that mapped them out. This ultimately culminated in her 1982 book, Understanding Your Life Through Color. To me, this sounded much like the energetic subspecies I felt existed and resonated even more strongly with the spectral classification Nimi appeared to be explaining to me as a child. To boot, though she originally distinguished only eleven life colors present in the population, in the 1960s Tappe noted the dawn of a new Indigo-colored aura in children.

At roughly the time she met Tappe in the 1970s, Jan Tober claims to have had recurring dreams in which strange children would approach her regarding their upcoming incarnations, and that upon awakening she would find herself drawn to particular infants or toddlers with peculiar eyes and “old souls.” Ultimately this led to Tober and her coauthor Lee Carroll fleshing out and further popularizing the concept of the Indigo with the publication of their 1998 book, The Indigo Children: The New Kids Have Arrived.

Their argument was that those who have worked with children have been noticing an increasing number of them displaying new and distinct psychological and behavioral patterns, and that these were the children that had Indigo auras. The traits that characterize those with indigo auras have been written about extensively, and in the midst of my research I’ve broken them down into the most limited list of traits possible: their full-spectrum sensitivity, nonconformity, and sense of alienation.

One of the most commonly-mentioned characteristics of Indigos seems to be their full-spectrum sensitivity — or perhaps more appropriately, their hypersensitivity — which is a trait I undoubtedly share with them. It was relatively recently that I learned about a trait, apparently genetic, that is found throughout the animal kingdom known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). Humans bearing this trait are commonly referred to as Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) and make up roughly 15-20% of the population. This trait seems to cover not only many of the traits inherent in not only myself but those that are allegedly characteristic of the Indigo population.

As I learned via the rabbit hole offered by Dr. Google, the still-growing recognition of HSPs began with the publication of Elaine Aron’s 1996 book, The Highly Sensitive Person, where the term was coined. The following year Elaine, along with her husband, Arthur Aron, identified SPS as the characteristic trait distinguishing such HSPs and produced a questionnaire aimed at measuring SPS among the human population. Scientific papers exploring, experimenting, seemingly validating and elaborating upon this trait would follow in the years to come. Though it has certainly expanded beyond their own work, the Arons have to a large degree focused their efforts towards providing evidence which distinguishes SPS from traits and disorders with which they believe it could be confused, which range from shyness and sensation-seeking to autism and sensory processing disorder, perhaps in an enlightened attempt to cut off the negative consequences HSPs might experience in consulting Dr. Google in striving to understand their symptoms at the pass.

Rather than a disorder, SPS is a survival strategy developed through evolution that bears both advantages and disadvantages. In comparison to the masses, they have a hypersensitive central nervous system. In other words, they have a lower perceptual threshold that results in intensified sensory experiences, which is to say that they involuntarily pick up on sensory stimuli that others would consider novel, subtle or nuanced, given that the majority are capable of filtering these aspects out of perception out before they breach the threshold of consciousness. As a consequence, this lower threshold makes HSPs far more easily overstimulated, which in turn results in a deeper, more highly organized and thorough form of cognitive processing, an increased reaction time and an intensified emotional response towards such stimuli which others would be likely to interpret as an overreaction.

The overstimulation of HSPs makes them more easily overwhelmed and leads to higher stress levels, which at best inspires HSPs to engage in less risk-taking activities and proceed through life with more caution. More dismally, it also makes them more prone to depression, anxiety, and sleep issues, thereby increasing the risk that they will adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms and habits of avoidance.

Far less scientifically, however true it may be to experience, both Indigos and HSPs report elements of hypersensitivity that either straddle the fence between the mundane and spiritual or reside beyond the pale and rest solely in the realm of the fringe. Indigos, for instance, are frequently associated with Ajna, the third eye chakra, and are said to be born with their third eye already open — though either partially or completely. In any case, it is allegedly this that earns them an additional form of sensitivity, which is evidently psi or psychic sensitivity.

Another trait typically associated with Indigos is their nonconformist approach. This is said to be a consequence of their overwhelming sense of purpose, a drive that inspires them to take action and change the world. This leads to them having issues with authority and tradition, preferring to question everything and explore new ideas.

Aside from their sensitivity and nonconformity, and perhaps partially as a consequence of it, they often feel alienated. They feel misunderstood, different, like they don’t belong. The traditional terms “fish out of water” or “square peg in a world of round holes” describes their circumstances quite accurately. By others, they may be perceived as strange or weird. Even so, they passionately clutch onto their sense of independence, the third trait. They stubbornly refuse to change for others, determined to remain true to their odd souls, and so may become introverted and socially isolate themselves. They may have only a small, close circle of friends, and tend to get along with other Indigos best, being less shy around them, as they are far more likely to understand one another.

Indigos are also often lumped in with people of other spiritual “types” in the eyes of New Age philosophy — Wanderers, Starseeds, Star Children, Rainbow Children, Crystal Children, Children of the Blue Ray — though just as often they are all regarded as distinct. Even apart from this, some regard Indigos as old souls that have come here from other planets. In addition, I discovered a possible link in a book published two years before The Indigo Children, and it was the 1997 publication of David Jacobs’ The Threat: Revealing the Secret Alien Agenda. There he transcribes the 1994 hypnosis session of Allison Reed (pages 246-250.) Along with fellow abductees, she was brought into a room where they were made to watch a “media presentation” on a large screen. It is a colorful, sunny, springtime scene that takes place in a park where numerous families are having picnics and children are playing. Though the aliens told her to try and distinguish the true humans from the “creations” of the aliens within the scene as a whole and then in individual families, she finds it impossible. It was then explained to her that the only way in which their creations could be distinguished from normal human beings was by means of an “energy field” around their bodies, and that those that were capable of detecting it and elected to cause problems would be eliminated.

I would later learn that according to Tappe, there are also subdivisions of Indigos, which again brought me back to an exchange between Nimi and I. In the midst of what seemed to be a more casual conversation than those which we usually had, I remember revealing to Nimi how I had recently decided that I wanted to be either a scientist or a chef when I grew up. We were, at the time, both standing in my room in the area opposite the bed, with her beside me, far taller than me. Curious as to what she did for a living, I asked her what she was, and she said she was a Teacher. I pondered on whether I might one day be a teacher as well. In response, she said that I was an Artist, that it was “my work.” Curious, I asked her how she knew it would be my job. She said that she did not mean that kind of work, at least not necessarily. Instead, she explained, by “work” she meant that it was a talent I had developed over the course of many lifetimes and would most likely continue developing in this one.

I later learned that, according to the Upanishads, throughout the cycles of death and rebirth known as samsara, the linga sharira, our subtle body, retains latent habitual physical and mental patterns called samskaras. They were developed by and in turn retain one’s karma. It is not the reward or judgment of some god that sentences you but the amoral influence of past action on present action, and present action on future action, and in that sense karma comprises the whole of causality with its action-reaction, cause-effect associations. The subtle body is the carrier of our conditionings, sustaining our talents, phobias and fetishes, our use of voice and body language, how and what we think and feel. Karma is not fate or the result of judgment, then, it is only the process of building habit and reinforcing and evolving memories. Though karma is typically translated to mean action or deed, less often, though more accurately, it is taken to comprise both cause and effect, the whole of causality as instigated and perpetuated by the individual in question. The most all-encompassing word might be “work,” which Nimi had chosen to use.

This encounter, and learning about my work, also built on the Indigo theme in a way that did not at first come to my attention. Later I learned that Tappe had split Indigos into four subtypes.

There is The Conceptualist, who questions the commonly accepted and has a hunger for new ideas and fresh perspectives. They are introverted, observant, calm and logical problem-solvers, potentially inventors or engineers. Then there is The Catalyst, who is polite, philanthropic and enraged by injustice. They are also curious and philosophical, but prefer to learn on their own, which causes problems in school and the world at large, which likely feeds their deep sense of alienation. They tend to force us into new perspectives.

The Humanist is a hyperactive social butterfly that has the tendency to treat everyone equally. They are quick to learn, and so get bored easily, and are focused on seeking out new ways to connect and communicate, primarily via technology. Last but not least, there is The Artist — emotional, empathic and sensitive in general, they are naturally geared towards self-expression in the visual arts, music, dance or writing.

It is often said that the central, unifying purpose of Indigos is to break down the social systems and belief structures we’ve outgrown and pave our way to a better future. Tappe illustrated her own sense of what the Indigo agenda was as well. “Indigos accept individuals for who and what they are and work for the interconnectedness of all,” she writes of them on her website. “Their task is to integrate mankind to one world through a globalization that moves beyond political or economic boundaries and beyond personal biases and prejudices.” It’s not all light and fluffy, however, as Tappe also asserts in an interview transcribed and provided in Tober’s aforementioned book, echoing the description others have given of an Indigo with their third eye incompletely open. She explained that “these young children — every one of them I’ve seen this far who kill their schoolmates or parents — have been Indigos.”

This brings us to one of the central and most controversial aspects of the Indigo: they are often diagnosed as having ADD, ADHD, or OCD, which those supporting the Indigo label insist is a consequence of their resistance to strict, absolute authority systems and the traditional use of fear- and guilt-based manipulation and discipline techniques, which Indigos naturally find intolerable. This tends to cause issues with them in the realm of social adaptation in school, at work, and society at large, say the Indigo supporters, which makes sense given their system-busting purpose. Either out of an unconscious desire to maintain the status quo or a very deliberate attempt to subvert the next step in evolution, the authorities in question seek to marginalize, numb, quell, and control the Indigos, and this is what has resulted in such diagnoses.

Meanwhile, the mainstream regards the “indigo” label as an irresponsible and dangerous new age belief promoted in part by the Forer Effect — which is to say that the qualities allegedly characterizing the children are so vague that they could with little effort be used to describe nearly anyone. Further, they assert that the Indigo label only serves to exacerbate mental disorders by placing a quasi-religious value on them rather than having them properly diagnosed and treated with the prescription pharmaceuticals they require.

There are astounding correlations between my partial memories of what Nimi told me and what Tappe laid out regarding life colors, not to mention associations between the Indigo personality type and my own traits which are difficult for me to overlook. If we accept her alleged ability to perceive auras, it seems conceivable enough that Tappe was able to note associations between people of a certain life color and certain personality characteristics, and even potential subtypes. Despite that, there is doubtlessly a lot of bullshit mixed in with the truth, if indeed a morsel of it holds up to scrutiny. I only hope that eventually science finds a way to detect and study this energy and incorporate it into our overall understanding of ourselves and the cosmos. Until then, it remains an undeniable experiential reality and the available models provide, at the very least, a fascinating reality tunnel to peer through.

Flashes in the Mindful Drift.

9/8/17

It happened again in the midst of meditation, as it has continuously since I started following the breath for 21 minutes a day roughly a month ago now. Occasionally amidst the intrusive and seductive thoughts interrupting my focus on the sensations of my breath as the air entered and exited my nostrils, I would find myself in an area of a house I had frequented in childhood.

The house belonged to the family of that used to live directly across the street from us when we lived at our first house. My sisters and I used to go over there and play with Devin and Jamie, who were around my age. A few strange experiences of mine took place at that house which I have documented elsewhere.

They moved later in my childhood into a bigger house some distance away. We visited a few times, but I most clearly remember the period in which they were away and my mother had been asked to take on the duty of checking on and tending to the house. As soon as we got there, we parked in what was, relative to us, a rather large parking area, ran passed the house and towards the latched wooden gate that led to the in-ground pool, where my two sisters and I played as mom did whatever and eventually came to check on us. I remember the day they came home, presumably unexpectedly, and the mother, Lori, strolled in through the wooden door to see my mother standing by the pool as us three kids were in the midst of a glorious time. I remember none of their words, perhaps only because I heard little to none of them to begin with — perfectly conceivable, as I was likely in the pool at the time — but the general conversation as conveyed through body language and vibe seemed clear enough. Mom seemed intoxicated by some cocktail of fear and shame and Lori appeared understanding and extremely compassionate in a way that was impressive to me, as it seemed to be not in the least bit contrived. My sense was that mom was embarrassed because she thought that this would imply to Lori that she envied and sought to take advantage of her friend’s wealthy residence while she was away rather than the mere checking and tending she had agreed upon. She was embarrassed because she feared Lori would think it was this selfish motive rather than the kind gesture of a friend that had driven her to watch over the place. It was obvious that she was ashamed that this revelation of her envy had been received. Lori got it, though, she understood, and almost immediately she seemed to compassionately take on the role of extinguishing my mother’s reactionary guilt.

Or maybe I’m fucking insane and these are all false memories. Who knows? Welcome to the twilight zone, where I have evidently set up camp.

In any case, inside the aforementioned image that keeps drawing me in during my mindful drift, I am standing in a room, facing the doorless doorway leading into the large room with sliding glass doors that lead to the pool outside. Passed the corner near to the doorless doorway is a bathroom, and passed that the doorway to the computer room and a flight of stairs. I don’t remember their positions, perhaps because they weren’t visible in this exact memory, perhaps due to my total lack of any sense of direction when walking or driving, which implies I am plagued with an extreme form of geographical dyslexia.

In any case, I have no idea why this scene, essentially a still frame, has been repeatedly arising in my mind. On the off-chance there proves to be any relevance, there was a strange memory I had of that new house of theirs and the pool specifically. I think I eliminated these memories from my book, judging them strange but ultimately insignificant in content.

All I remember is being in their pool, clutching onto the very edge while in the water as either a fog surrounded me or my vision blurred almost to a degree that would be synonymous with blindness. I couldn’t see an inch in front if my face. I couldn’t find either of my sisters. Before I could get out of the water a paralysis crept up and seized me.

Is the scene that keeps popping up in my mind a prelude to the eerie memory in the pool? Does the persistence of this vivid still-frame suggest something is hiding there, some greater memory that for whatever reason feels the need to surface at this time? Fucked if I know. I wish I had control of my mind or that a clear and healthy form of communication between my conscious self and subliminal aspects could be effectively established and exploited when needed.

Understanding oneself, it shouldn’t pose such a challenge.

Oppositional Positions.

8/28/17.

I have always hated sleeping on my back. The story I’ve always told myself is that this is due to the fact that I would have nightmares as a kid when sleeping supine, though I can recall not even the vaguest example of single occurence. In any case, when I do my second meditation session before sleeping — this one guided — I do indeed lay on my back in bed. Before the session is through, however, I often turn it off on my old iPhone and take out the earbuds because I always have the overwhelming, even painful urge to roll over.

Last night I felt that intense impulse and, for the first time, refused to move. I did it for the same reason I’ve been trying to resist scratching itches or squirming around to get more comfortable in the midst of meditating: I need to learn to examine these emotions and sensations rather than impulsively react to them.

So I tried to examine the body sensation from a witness perspective. I was to some degree still within the emotion or sensation, still somewhat identified with it, but mostly on the outside, looking in, examining it like some scientist at the zoo observing an animal behind the safety glass. The violent energy and sense of urgency was remarkable. It was equally remarkable to be in that position outside of it, examining it, experiencing with clarity that I was by no means synonymous with it.

9/11/17

Last night I got home from work and decided to eat and watch the new episode of Rick and Morty before meditating. When I eventually sat down and started the timer, my stomach refused to just shut the fuck up. It often does this when I’m tense, which I suppose I was, as after ten minutes of trying unsuccessfully to ignore its relentless gurgling and focus on my breath I screamed aloud for it to shut up and wailed my fist into my tummy several times in rapid succession. This state of going apeshit is, to make a mole hill out of a mountain, totally at odds with my “witnessing” accomplishments lately.

I stopped the meditation session short for the first time since I picked up the daily routine again. I drank, smoked pot, and later, when the intoxication had largely worn off, I sat again before bed, much more successful this time.

Its frustrating. I get tired of losing my shit, almost as much as I’ve grown tired of freaking out and feeling down. For those that seem to equate consciousness with the body-brain, I must wonder how it is I came to be in such a profoundly oppositional position to my body, mind, emotions, instincts — everything save for the inner eye that I feel is the most essential part of me. Even in my own mind and body I don’t seem to belong, and that’s perhaps the most frustrating fact of all.

Rumination Station Playlist.

Meditation has brought me to realize, yet again, the rampant, automatic nature of my monkey-mind; that my mental radio is locked on the rumination station. I have been paying extra attention this time, deliberately trying to increase those periods of self-awareness in which I adopt what, in the wonderful world of writing, is referred to as the third person perspective, and what in meditation specifically is referred to as observing, witnessing or witness consciousness. I have come to do this not only for the 21 minutes I sit following the breath every night but frequently during the workday as well, all in the attempts to identify and categorize the shit arising in my mental space.

I also came upon some notes recently which I made during my previous period of mindfulness meditation in which I noted some mental patterns that have thus far escaped my awareness this time around.

Let’s begin with my Radiohead Syndrome, which is to say the presence of this ongoing and frequently disappointing soundtrack to my life. Two or three weeks ago, I listed at least a short list of the songs that echoed in my head during a two-day period. On Sunday, I noted that I at first replayed Sleep Apnea by Chevelle, from their SciFi Crimes album, then the Twelve Days of Christmas, and finally Go With the Flow, by Queens of the Stone Age. The next day I catalogued the song, George of the Jungle, and then Letters from a Thief, another song from Chevelle’s aforementioned album.

Though I had been listening to Chevelle on Spotify through my phone as I cleaned dining room during the last hour of my shift, it wasn’t always the last song that I heard which got stuck on loop in my mind the next day. It could also be triggered by something I saw or heard. One day recently, for instance, I remember having seen a plush Winnie the Pooh doll on the shelf in the break room and as aware as I was, try as I might, I could not, for the life of me, get the Winnie the Pooh song out of my head for a good portion of my shift.

Imagining myself being interviewed (as an artist, writer, musician or for reasons unspecified) has for long been my default scenario for depicting inner dialogue. It seems I do this for self-reflecting purposes and self-analysis. It is significantly different when it comes to what I call my Narratives of Justification, however, where I imagine the dumbest scenarios, such as explaining to someone why I put things in particular places or positions on the shelves while doing stock, talking in a similar fashion to cops who I imagine pulling me over, to my landlady as to why rent is late, or talking to cops that end up at my apartment door because someone smelled me smoking weed.

Other spontaneous daydreams involve fictional scenarios in which I rescue or save people, as in during a hold up in the restaurant in which I work, or when a customer grabs a hold of the arm of a girl on front counter. In any case, I cast myself in the role of either defending people or calming them, sometimes both.

On other occasions I find myself taking an imaginary guilt trip, doing something that inadvertently harms or even kills someone else. I hit a dog, a child, or an adult with my car, as an easy example. If I am unharmed or crippled as well, they suffer greater damage, typically death.

Another form of catastrophizing I engage in is imagining my own death. I am only torn apart by the reactions of others — either their grief or the lack of effect my corporeal departure had on them — not in reference to my own state.

Consistently I have found myself looking back on the present moment from some imagined point in the future, viewing the present as past, the now as later. As one example I documented some time ago, I was sitting at my computer desk, putting on my shoes to go do some errands, running through what I was to do in my mind. I started damning myself for being too lazy to add getting quarters to do laundry to the list — as if I had already gone out, not gotten them, and came back despite the fact that I had yet to leave.

More frequent is my imaginary fighting or arguing — with my mother, my boss, old friends, the fucking prep lady. Even imaginary people in totally fictitious scenarios. I get pissed off about arguments I never even had and I notice it primes me, at times, to have such arguments in real life, or bitch about those people in the attempts to blow off steam and circumvent such confrontations. This is clearly a waste of energy and it just makes my life more miserable.

Then there are the flashback bitchslaps: sudden, intrusive memories of high emotional intensity. These are of events which I feel — perhaps at the time, but surely in retrospect — made me appear stupid, inauthentic or pretentious in others’ eyes. Or the episode may have dealt with me having hurt someone. This may have been done intentionally, albeit while in the grips of consuming rage, or I may have only realized I had unintentionally done so out of ignorance or insensitivity just after it occurred. Far worse, I may only come to realize, or in the very least suspect, that I unintentionally hurt them only in retrospect, when the flashback hits me. Instead, I may realize that I had plagiarized someone else, which makes me feel phony, or that it at least had likely seemed that way to the other person.

The flashbacks in question may have been of events that happened earlier in the day, but may also be incidents that transpired weeks, months, or even a shocking number of years ago. In any case, in toto these flashback bitchslaps deal with me doing or saying something that I fear inspires others to perceive me in a way I find unfavorable.

I immediately, automatically and aggressively try and swallow it down in my mind by beating myself up inside through guilt, shame, embarrassment and anxiety in tandem with automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) in the more traditionally-conceived sense of internal dialogue — “judgements” might be a good label for them. So far in my personal notes, my personal judgments include the following phrases:

I’m such a turd.
I’m such a fucking asshole.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do you get like that?

At some point years ago I began engaging in “thought-stopping”: things you say in response to the negative thoughts, emotions, memories and fantasies that arise automatically in your mind. I often find myself saying it aloud, as if in an attempt to talk over the noise in my head as I cringe inside:

Who the fuck knows?
I don’t fucking know.
Stop it.
I don’t even care.
I don’t give a shit.
I don’t even understand.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
Fuck that shit.

As a consequence, thought-stoppers like those listed above have become automatic as well — which is unfortunate, as thought-stopping not only fails to work but exacerbates the issue, leading to what is known as thought rebound. Pushing thoughts away is no more effective than clinging into them. Where attention goes, energy flows, but also: what you resist, persists.

Anomalies Amidst Mindfulness Meditation.

8/19/17, 1:15 AM:

I sat in my chair and decided to set the alarm on my old iPhone for 21 minutes his time. For the past two or three weeks, since I picked up mindfulness meditation as a daily practice again, I had been doing 11 minutes a day, and the last few days 16. Along with cutting back on the drinking significantly, I found it simply made me feel better: more present, more focused, with more periods of equanimity. I feel I’m getting more out of sleep when I actually manage to get some shut-eye, too. Why I abandoned this for perhaps two years or so is beyond me.

I had been noticing the same weird stuff happening during meditation, and even outside of it, that I had the last time I’d routinely engaged in this practice. Though it has gotten better the past few days, I find that when trying to focus on my breath coming in and going out through my nostrils I would experience what I can only call localized, transient, fluctuating dysmorphia. This is to say that one nostril would seem large and close up to my face as the other would be barely noticeable, giving a lopsided kind of feeling. It would never be stable, however; the nostrils would seem to change in size independently and with varying speed, making it difficult to maintain a steady focus. Typically this happens near the beginning of the session, giving way to stability as I keep at it without fighting this illusion.

Another thing I noticed, and which had happened previously, is that as I meditated on the breath I would reach a point where I would suddenly and quite drastically become more aware, my mind became silent. At that exact moment I would feel and hear a sort of crunching sound in my head as I felt myself coming to entirely inhabit the area behind my forehead. It’s almost as if I’m feeling my brain shifting gears. Once seemingly inhabiting the area behind my forehead I would feel a pressure right above and between my eyes as well as within and around my nose, particularly around the nostrils, the area which I’d been focusing on. Since picking up meditation again, this has also been happening while driving, an activity that generally makes me anxious and during which I fight to keep focus, as I’m constantly phobic about something going awry.

Neither of these things — fluctuating nostril dysmorphia or the crunching sound and sensation within the head — are things I have heard happening to people under meditation.

On this particular early morning, however, after a few minutes of meditation, I found that I kept falling into a vivid, detailed dream state and then popping back out again. At first saw a carpeted floor by a door before quickly popping out of it, focusing back on my breath. Next time, I found myself in a similar environment, though I was now sitting on a chair. I bent down towards my feet and then crawled down onto the floor, looking for something. In the process I hit my forehead on the chair — and that was what snapped me out of it again. As my awareness returned to my body abruptly I could still feel the pressure and tingling sensation on my forehead, where I had hit myself in the dream.

When I slipped into the dream state again, this time I leaned down from the chair and picked up what turned out to be a small child, perhaps some rendition of my new nephew, who I then held for a brief moment before snapping back. Each time I came back to my body my awareness was more clear and crisp, and it was easier to focus on my breath, as my eyes seemed fixed behind my eyelids.

This act of popping in and out of vivid dream environments also happened sometime recently, either during my daily meditation sessions or when I listen to Michael Sealey’s YouTube video, “Guided Meditation for Detachment From Over-Thinking (Anxiety / OCD / Depression),” in bed before sleep. In any case, I would see these dream scenes play out at a distance, like from a third person perspective, and deliberately try to push myself into them so as to experience them from the first person, but I kept losing consciousness when I pushed in, only to regain it briefly before snapping back to third person perspective again.

Mindfulness Versus the Hypnodomme.

For a good while — sometime between six months to a full year — I came home every night, sat on my couch or my papasan, set the timer on my iPhone for anywhere between ten minutes and half an hour, closed my eyes and fought to remain motionless as I summoned determination to focus exclusively on my breath. Once I failed, I worked on not beating myself up about it and instead returned as gracefully as I could to my point of focus: the nostrils, the breath.

It was all going so well. And then it wasn’t.

I stopped my daily practice at around the same time I began drinking nightly, which was, I think, very early in July of 2015. It seemed counterproductive to continue engaging in both and I wouldn’t stop drinking, so the bottle won the battle. Two days ago, on Christmas Eve, I meditated for the first time in a long time and instantly remembered why I had once kept up with it on a nightly basis to begin with: the pleasant, however transient sense of focus I can achieve during the practice; the sense that it somehow serves to balance out my brain; the ability to reach beyond my emotions, thoughts and memories into a place more central, more true to me, a closer approximation my “original face” otherwise suffocating behind the thick and icky masque of the everyday.

Honesty, I was pretty damned surprised that after not having practiced for so long that I achieved any immediate benefit at all.

Then again, I have continued subjecting myself to hypnosis since abandoning meditation — and they are essentially the same thing, right? Meditation is just hypnosis initiated and guided by oneself. Hypnosis is just meditation initiated and guided by someone else. Even so, I prefer meditation, particularly since I have sensed something insidious about those hypnodomme videos on the net. Evidently, this means little to whatever part of me is under control in these instances. Typically I feel compelled to watch them when I’m alone and high. The issue, the urge, has continued to plague high-me with a rhythm comprised of piques and troughs.

It has been some time since I’ve consciously addressed it at length — even longer since I wrote about it. It embarrasses me that much. I mean, from at least as far back as high school I have intentionally avoided watching or investing any attention in commercials on television or the net because I fear being brainwashed. I still do this despite the fact that, when I’m high, I am overcome by this state-dependent impulse to seek out videos that essentially aim to do just that. Maybe it’s just the relative honesty that earns my respect.

Another contradiction about all of this is my profound distaste for the newest brand of feminism, whatever you wish to call it — the brand of feminism that seeks not egalitarianism but female dominance, idolizing women as it demonizes men, modeling their desired matriarchy over the perceived presence of an oppressive patriarchy.

Let me be clear: I’m all for equality, equity, egalitarianism. We all have equal value as individuals regardless of the body we happened to be born into. It’s Dualism (of the philosophy of the mind) at work in me. Sex, gender identity, sexual persuasion, skin pigment, point of origin and so on and so forth — prejudice on that basis is unethical. No one should be oppressed. We are all individuals and we have personal rights that should be self-evident and recognized by whatever typically corrupt social system we are embedded in. Do what you will, be who you are, so long as it oppresses no other. This does not seem to be what modern feminism stands for, however.

Chauvinist pigs and sexists can sport any of the available kinds of genitalia: it is by no means exclusive to men. Their are dictators, pussytators, and I’m sure their are hermaphrotators: there are -tators for everyone. And -tators are the enemy.

This malevolent quality is not always something I sense from the hypnodommes, but it does seem to be a prevalent undercurrent — and despite my distaste for it, I still keep falling under their spell. I pluralize it — “hypnodommes” — because it is more than one hypnodomme I have come to listen to, though Hypnotic Haylee was the genesis and remains the nucleus. My attempts to diversify in this area was an attempt to at least ensure I would not be owned by or bound to any single one.

I do not let this practice carry over into the sober state, either, as an effort to compartmentalize the issue, to quarantine the whole thing. The sober part of me of hates that it relaxes me, that it helps me shut my mind up so that I — drunk, high and hypnotized — can finally get some sleep. This makes it no less stupid of me, makes me no less of a weak minded fool, of course, and of this I am painfully aware. My shame and self loathing over this has helped me limit the effects, too.

Mindfulness meditation can help me own myself, find myself, be myself, create myself, make it so the mask I’m trapped within more accurately reflects whatever strange, unearthly soul hides behind it. It can make it so that my Original Face does not hide so much as merely, and inevitably, reside behind it. Hypnodommes? They seem counterproductive. As soon as I think of Hypnotic Haylee’s green eyes, however, and particularly when I’m high, I all-too-often succumb.

Still I oscillate between something approximating weakness and something approximating strength — but the weakness has taken over. Time to balance this out…

Sober Sleep and Dreams of Shameless Anger (5/2/15).

When I awoke from a long, sober sleep on Friday, I remembered an enduring dream that I failed to write down. As a consequence, I forgot most of the details but I remembered the essence of it, the message it seemed to contain. Speaking in the dream around parents, friends, at work, I remember that every other word seemed to be “fuck.” The general message of the dream seemed to be that I was angry and that my denial, hatred, frustration and shame at being angry only served to intensify it, perpetuate it, feed its destructive nature. This was not an effective way of dealing with it, I somehow realized — and subsequently embodied that realization. I felt angry during the dream, then, but remained unashamed, in control and I felt awake and alive in a way that felt like Spring in a way, like a blossoming, like an exhale, the relieving off this inner pressure that’s been building.

It makes sense to my waking mind. As in meditation, getting angry at your anger or being afraid of your anger are means of dissociating from it, suppressing it, burying it or pushing it away and this only leads to an amplified form of the very thing you are trying to eliminate. When you are focusing on your breath and a thought emerges and you latch onto it and eventually realize it, if you get angry at yourself and start scolding yourself in side for getting distracted you are only prolonging the distraction. Instead, what I should be doing is accepting it as it is and dealing with it, not pushing it away. Don’t respond to it with itself, or with anything it all. Be aware of it, note it, experience it. It’s only way out of me is through me.

Buddha’s Raft, (or,

A Cumbersome Blog Entry Assembled Slowly Over the Last Few Months in an Effort to Gain a Greater Understanding of Mindfulness Meditation.)

Contrary to the popular myth that we only use a certain percentage of our brain, all areas of that mass in our skull are active. This is not the same as saying we actualize its full potential, though there are ways we can buff the sucker up. As the intelligent and captivating Kelly McGonigal has explained throughout her books and lectures, the mind is much like a muscle, and as in physical training, it grows stronger through exercise. Such brain-training comes in the form of concentration meditation, where we build mental muscle through sets of repetitive actions, or reps — the psychological and neurological analogue to a bicep curl.

Each meditative rep seems to consist of four mental motions: selective attention on a target, distraction in the form of psychological absorption, impartial witnessing through objectification of the distraction and equanimous orientation back to the target. More specifically, you train your mind to selectively fix attention on a single “object” of meditation and hold it there for as long as you can. When you are inevitably distracted by sensations or mentations and fall prey to psychological absorption, your next voluntary motion rests on the eventuality of you catching yourself red-handed and responding by means of shifting to a state of observation without attachment, or “witnessing,” which can be achieved by means of objectifying the distraction and then reorienting your attention back to the target object.

Attention is by its very nature pleasant, as Sam Harris has said. In his defense, a study on mental wellbeing (Killingsworth, 2011) suggests that even if you do not enjoy whatever it is you are doing if you remain attentive, you are happier. In concentration meditation, the literal object of meditation can be nearly anything. It can be a sound, as in chanting a mantra, a verse, an affirmation, a question. It can be an image, such as a sigil, a candle (as in the practice of Trataka), a person (like Haylee), a mandala or perhaps a Hindu yantra. These can be visualizations held in the mind’s eye or may involve staring at an external object or image; it may be the inner voice that repeats the mantra or it may be chanted aloud. It can be part of the body, such as the third eye area or the abdomen.

It can also be an active target, such as observing the flow of thoughts, sensations or feeling tones, or a choreography of movement as found in walking meditation or yoga. Much as hypnotist might first direct you to fix your attention on her finger or a swinging watch before redirecting that focus to her voice, one may first train attention on one object and then move to another, or even a whole prescribed sequence of meditative objects. In vipassana meditation, for instance, it extends across the spectrum of thoughts, emotions, memories, sensations and behaviors. As in death meditation, metta (loving-kindness) meditation, or introspection on things such as birth, death and “shunyata” or emptiness in the Buddhist tradition, you go through a prescribed process in order to cultivate a certain understanding through introspection.

Concentration meditation in its most generalized form (again, in Buddhist tradition) is known as Samatha meditation. The object of attention is typically the breath, in which case it is specifically known as Anapanasati. It seemed to me that Anapanasati meditation was a logical place to begin, so that is what I decided to practice every evening.

Once I start the 30-minute timer on my iPhone, I rest my hands on my legs, sit up as straight as I can, close my eyes and fix attention on the skin around my nostrils. Beginning with a deep inhale and exhale, I then let go to the involuntary process. The key is to maintain focus on the rhythmic sensations of breath — cool going in, warm going out — without exerting deliberate control of the breathing. The first short period of time I tried out this meditation, I adopted the use of counting from one to ten and starting back with one, each number either denoting the in-breath, the out-breath or both. I stopped doing this when I picked up meditation again for a daily practice, preferring to focus exclusively on the sensations. No thought — kind of. So far as I have come to understand it, it is perfectly acceptable to see or hear things in the periphery of your mind while focusing — this does not mean you broke attention, in other words. You simply do not react to these thoughts, emotions or sensations, look directly at them or get carried away by them; instead, you keep them in the background.

One analogy frequently used to describe the experience is leaning back and watching as the clouds pass over the sky, spontaneously arising and growing, coming and going. Alternatively, it can be illustrated by sitting at one side of a river and staring at a tree on the other side, all the while ignoring the passing leaves, twigs, ducks and canoes carried by the current. I have also heard it described it as being akin to walking by a television set on your way to another room to do something important. You don’t sit down before the TV and become absorbed in the program, you don’t allow yourself to become captivated by the sounds and alluring pictures dancing on the screen, but neither do you actively ignore it. You only notice that it is there, that it is on; you only acknowledge it in your peripheral vision as you stroll on by and do not involve yourself with it.

Holding attention on a single object may sound simple enough of an instruction, but in actual practice any focus fails to hold for very long. The rare achievement is typically ruined by one’s reactionary verbal and emotional acknowledgement of the achievement. However it happens, you will become distracted. Nearly every how-to you read or watch will insist it is perfectly natural — and inevitable.

When we are distracted by a rogue thought, emotion, sensation, daydream or memory, we fall into what is known as psychological absorption. Joseph Campbell wrote on how children at play can become so involved in their “as if” fantasies that they become “seized” by them. The deeper the trance, the greater the reduction in our peripheral awareness. Studies suggest that the fantasies with the highest psychological absorbency are structured narratives with a beginning, middle and end. This is easiest to see when reading a book or watching a movie, but it also functions in dreams as much as in daily life, as in the narratives we tell ourselves about ourselves as well as the emotions and sensations we experience in association. It seems that this is what is meant when Buddhism describes our typical mode of “waking” consciousness to be akin to a dream state. In any case, while seized or absorbed we forget that an outside exists at all. We are suffering from temporary amnesia regarding anything but that which is happening within the context of the story. In the meantime, sensations are confused with the sensed, interpretations for reality, emotions for unalterable and objective qualities. In other words, the reaction to fantasy as if it were real; indeed, to them it is indistinguishable from reality.

Once absorbed, we are ensnared in a dualistic mind. We are caught between the dual forces that have been called craving and aversion, desire and hatred, association and dissociation, actualization and repression, expression or suppression, engagement or rejection, inhibiting or inhabiting, self or other, subject and object. Take your pick; it’s all pretty much the same. Each are responses arising from absorption, which we might also call the initial false assumption, the ignorance, the blind faith that these sensations or cognitions are both accurate and relevant to us. Before we identify with skin, after all, an itch has no relevance; before we identify with hunger, ordering a pizza seems unnecessary. Before identifying with anger, we can clearly see that saying this or that is a bad idea.

With respect to desire, it is the desire to be (the ego) and the desire to have (possessions), and there are predictable outcomes. We want and don’t get. Or, which is perhaps worse, we get and it either fails to satisfy us at all or fails to satisfy us for long — and then we want more.

When it comes to aversion, this is the drive not to be (the shadow) and not to have. The issue here is that “what you resist, persists.” Rumination is one manifestation of this. It is not the initial unpleasant sensations, thoughts or emotions that are a problem so much as the habit of rumination, of playing the memories of the initial experience over and over in our mind. In addition, the goal to not think, feel, sense, imagine or remember something requires constant reminder of the target you are trying to avoid. It is much like in movies where one character is high up on some mountain or skyscraper, one wrong move away from certain death, and his friend from inside the building or some other zone of safely only offers, “Don’t look down.”

Aversion also has a sort of elasticity. There are sensations we experience and thoughts, emotions, flashbacks and fantasies that spontaneously emerge in the mind which we find frightening, disgusting, embarrassing or immoral. Our reaction is typically to “push” these away, often violently, with dissociation. In my own experience, this “shadow-boxing” is often accompanied by a physical movement, such as shaking the head, and sometimes saying something, perhaps meaningful but often apparently irrelevant, as if to “talk over” the spontaneous mental content or use it as an opposing force to hold myself against as I push the aversive thought away. This reaction gives me but a temporary reprieve, however. Time and time again, this has proven to be not merely ineffective, but counterproductive due to the elastic nature of aversion. When it inevitably snaps back it appears to bear the qualities of the ironic process, the “white bear” effect — where resistance produces an amplified rebound.

This was first revealed through a study headed by Daniel Wegner, PhD, professor of psychology at Harvard. He had two groups, both of whom had a shared task: they were to say aloud whatever it was that came to mind in Beatnick, stream-of-consciousness style. As the first group did this, they were instructed to try and think about a white bear. As the second group did this, they were first instructed to do the opposite — to try and not think about a white bear — and then, later, were told to now try and think about a white bear. The second group thought of a white bear more often than the first, suggesting that aversion to the thought led to an amplified rebound. It was like you were attached to the thought by elastic, and the more you pushed it away, the greater the distance and the longer you maintained it, the more intensely it would snap back at you. Our insipid response to this ineffectiveness is to up the ante. “If it doesn’t work, do it more often, do it harder,” is the philosophy. The harder it snaps back, the more aggressively we push, the more energy we invest in keeping it away, and the more violently it snaps back.

We create release valves to lesson their pressure, letting them out in a “concealing yet revealing” fashions, as if they were the psychological equivalent to yoga pants. Specifically we interact with these denied parts indirectly through projection, where we assign these qualities to others, and express them in sublimated forms such as through psychosomatism, slips of tongue, dreams, fantasies and hallucinations. We dissociate cognitions and sensations we identify as not-self, so it may be true what Jung, Robert Bly and others maintain: these denied parts may arrange themselves into a sort of alter-ego, yin to the ego’s yang, Hulk to it’s David Banner, Jekyll to it’s Hyde. It is subliminal or unconscious, serving as the anti-ego, typically known as the shadow. It may not be singular, however — these parts may exist in isolation or perhaps even congregate, on the basis of similarity in theme, in various isolated clusters.

Craving or aversion both sound unproductive. Absorption, that fundamental ignorance, can lead to a shitstom of multifaceted pain. In meditation you are trying to be mindful, however, you are expecting an inevitable distraction and fall into absorption. Eventually you will realize that you have become a victim of your own imagination, and this brings you to the next step: objectifying the distraction. Witnessing it. Observing the distraction without attachment and with an attitude of equanimous curiosity. In so doing, you have detached or “decentered” from the distraction, you have stopped identifying with it, you have dissolved the unity between your sense of self and the thought and now perceive it as something apart from you. This gives you some distance, permitting you to see thoughts and feelings “objectively”, as mental events rather than facts, with skepticism rather than faith.

It also helps the mind become still. In his YouTube videos RSDTyler often references Eckhart Tolle, specifically the books “The Power of Now” and “The New Earth”, and has ties it in with Herbert Benson’s book, The Relaxation Response. Using one of Tolle’s analogies, he asks you to imagine that you are riding a bicycle and suddenly free your feet and stop pedalling.

This is much like witnessing a thought, sensation and so on. You are essentially cutting off their fuel. As a consequence the tires lose momentum, with the bicycle coasting until it is still, much like the mind becomes when we stop reacting to its content. Our problem as humans is that we keep pedaling away on our bicycle brains. When animals in the wild encounter a threat, such as a predator, they would instinctually react with a short burst of stress — the fight or flight response. This is useful as it gives them the energy and inclination to fight or run for their fucking lives. As soon as they do one or the other and, assuming they survive, are once again safe, they would are fine. No pedaling. Animals permit the emotions to pass through and out of their bodies, and so the stress loses momentum until settling into the usual state of relaxation.

For modern humans, threats have a broader interpretation: social acceptance, rent money, car problems. We become absorbed. We have to keep remembering in order to forget. And we ruminate. The wheels never slow down, much less stop. This, he explains, is the natural background noise of the civilized human, and meditation promotes this natural relaxation response.

What are the benefits of objectifying thoughts, sensations and so on? On his YouTube video regarding meditation, the Actualized.org guy describes how the more success you have in life, the more people will know you and the more criticism you will receive. RSDTyler expresses it by using the analogy of a tree: the higher a tree grows, the more developed the root system has to be to prevent it from falling over. Meditation helps develop that root system. Meditation, through training is to objectify in this way, gives us thicker skin, makes us less emotionally reactive. You are centered in yourself. You don’t soak in critique: similarly, praise rolls off of you like rain. We become more even-keeled as you know you can achieve contentment and inner peace on your own, regardless of the outcome. It makes you less reliant on immediate gratification, more confidence and stability because it is not the end of the world if you do not achieve your goal. You can see the bigger picture. It increases our tolerance of suffering in general.

Rick Hanson explains this as the product of increased awareness, and he articulates the reasons behind this in an interesting way. Imagine that you take spoonful of salt, stir it in a cup of water and drink it. It will, of course, taste horrible. The salt is our suffering, the water our awareness. If you stir the same amount of salt in a large jug, however, and drink it, you will perhaps not taste the salt at all.

Zen Buddhist Bodhin Kjolhede offers another metaphor, describing the typical state of mind as being akin to a shaken snow globe. Meditation trains you to put down the snow globe, letting the swirling, chaotic thoughts, emotions and sensations settle. Still others imagine it as walking through a lake, disturbing the water and kicking up all the sediment as you make your way. Alternatively, image that rather than walking through the lake the surface was riddled with raindrops and attacked by the wind — the result is essentially the same. Once we stand still in the river, once the storm has passed and the mind can settle, it not only offers perceptions of what resides below the surface of the water with crystalline clarity but also reflects the observing awareness at optimal capacity.

Once we have objectified the distraction we practice reorientation back to the breath from a stance of equanimity or self-compassion — if not, we lose objectivity and become absorbed again. In so doing we have completed a single rep in a 20-minute set. Chimes, the ringtone on my iPhone timer, signals the end of the meditation. Sometimes before sleep I listen to a “body scan” YouTube audio of what I think is essentially guided vipassana. Our attention is trained to direct itself at every part of the body one after another, focusing and taking note of the quality of the sensations in the spirit of curiosity.

Along with formal meditation practice there is the more informal practice known as the “STOP” meditation. Throughout the day, you take a moment here and there to Stop whatever it is you may be doing and “drop” or “check in”, as Kabat-Zinn has put it. You do this by taking a few deep, mindful breaths and observing yourself on conceptual, emotional and sensory levels as you do so, then proceed with your regularly scheduled programming. This serves to deliberately bring the mindfulness being cultivated in formal practice into the context of everyday life.

This ability to witness reportedly gives us access to an additional dimension of thought. If the mind is pictured again as a body of water, but in this case an ocean, then witnessing, as Zen Buddhist Bodhin Kjolhede explains, allows us to not just gaze at and through the surface but to plunge beneath the waves, to descend to and ascend from the depths at will. From beneath the waves we can better handle and see complex issues and life decisions or get unwound from our webs of words.

Options expand with this new dimension of mind made available by witnessing. We are typically absorbed in stimuli that elicits our instinctive and conditioned responses of craving and aversion. One with my inner glow, We are no longer a slave to instinctive and conditioned impulses. Rather than become absorbed and react with craving or aversion, we can elect to step out of the story and witness it all from a pleasant, calm state of equanimity. Slowly we can come to identify with the witness behind the mind, to ground ourselves there, to keep the locus of control internalized.

If I know I have equanimity as my baseline regardless of the outcome and that I am ultimately the one in control then I can actually enjoy the present. I can stop running from the past towards the future and just be alive in the here and now.

In addition to the psychological effects of mindfulness meditation, there are, according to Andrew Newberg in the documentary, DMT: The Spirit Molecule, three main changes that occur in the brain in response to meditation. To begin with, there is increased activity in frontal lobes behind forehead during attention. The more activity increases in frontal lobe, the more it decreases in the parietal lobe in the back-top part of brain.

Third, activity increases in the thalamus. As explained by Catherine Kerr, the thalamus rests right below the cortex, serving as our subliminal, somatosensory editing mechanism. The recurrent feedback loop provided by its connections to the cortex create an oscillating “alpha rhythm” that pulses at a rate of ten times per second and varies in accordance with attention. It is this that allows us to carry on a conversation with someone across the table from us in a busy restaurant populated by animated, chattering customers played to the soundtrack of clinking dishes and whirring machine sounds.

Though operating largely on autopilot by default, through mindfulness exercises we can gain control of this editing mechanism. When we learn to pay attention to the body, we are provided with the most immediate and natural forms of feedback not only of the body, but of the mind that it reflects. Though our conscious eye may be largely blind to it, it would appear that the body is not only a source of feedback on the external world, but on the internal one as well. Thoughts and emotions are expressed nonverbally through body language and physiological symptoms. It is your immediate and naturally evolved source of neurofeedback.

Just imagine shaving yourself or applying make-up without the feedback provided by a mirror. Imagine you are suddenly deaf and are expected to tune your guitar, or have gone entirely blind and left to drive you car.

Clear and reliable feedback is imperative for proper adjustment.

We can then adjust our bodies in accordance with that feedback, essentially having in the grips of our attentive awareness the volume controls for our body and mind. Just as you can adjust the position of your body and the quality of its senses, you can adjust the state of your mind and the quality of its contents.

Physical effects on the brain also take place through neuroplasticity, which appears to make the notion of “building mental muscle” even less of a metaphor. As revealed through studies utilizing fMRI and experienced meditators, the prefrontal cortex thickens, the amygdala shrinks, and the connections between the prefrontal cortex and other areas of the brain — such as the insula, amygdala and anterior cingulate cortex — are drastically altered. To what degree these mental talents are developed and the corresponding brain changes are evident all appear to depend on the hours invested in meditation practice. It doesn’t take too long to see an effect, however; structural brain changes have been evident in the fMRI after a 8-week training course on mindfulness. After the mark of 40 thousand hours of practice (around 1,666 days), the size of the prefrontal cortex decreases, its activity diminishes and baseline brain functions resemble the brain functions of ordinary individuals while in a state of meditation, which is to say that mindfulness has now become the default.

This seems to resonate quite nicely with the Buddhist analogy of the raft. In order to cross a violent river you may need to fashion a raft, but upon getting to the other side, you no longer need it. No use dragging it around with you. It was a system of tools, technically a technology, and it served its purpose. Leave it behind you. Move onward and upward.

Meditation, then, is the raft we need to achieve mindfulness.

SOURCES:
– “Mindfulness Starts With the Body: A View From the Brain,” ( TEDx College Hill lecture).
– Learning Self Compassion: An Interview with Kristin Neff
– “Staying in the Now: Mental Health Through Mindfulness,” Dr. Stuart Eisendrath (University of California Television).
– Meditation: Change Your Mind, Change Your Life: Bodhin Kjolhede at TEDxFlourCity
– Professor Mark Williams (Science Oxford Live, March 2012).
– Introduction to Mindful Awareness, Diana Winston (UCLA Health System).
– “What Does Mindfulness Meditation Do to Your Brain?” Tom Ireland, Scientific American, June 12, 2014.
– Attention, Mindfulness and Brain Systems, Philippa Goldin, PhD, Clinically Applied Affective Neuroscience, Stanford University.
– Vipassana Meditation and Body Sensation: Eilona Ariel at TEDxJaffa 2013
“Doing Time, Doing Vipassana.”:
– The Dhamma Brothers, Jenny Phillips
– “Introduction to Mindful Awareness,” Diana Winston – UCLA Health System (YouTube).
– “Meditation — A Beginner’s Practical Guide”, RSDTyler (YouTube).
– “Attention, Mindfulness and Brain Systems”, Philippa Goldin, PhD, Clinically Applied Affective Neuroscience, Stanford University.

Reflections on the Original Face.

There I lay, a naked I, abandoned by memory, lost to thought, devoid of affect, simply being in the here and now, experiencing without the most rudimentary understanding — though being nonetheless.

Empty yet aware. Awake and confused, unable to shake it off, I just stare at moving shapes with colors, sounds that mean nothing to me. Slowly, things begin coming back, falling into place.

Laughter. That was what I was hearing, and these were the amused and mildly worried faces of my friends. I had fallen asleep in the back of the car. It was difficult to explain to them what had happened just then. Tabula Rasa, that was how I felt: I was a blank slate, without any sense identity, virgin mind grasping for a clue.

That happened years ago, perhaps a year or two after I graduated high school, but I’ve had similar moments. Things I should remember — my name, age, address, phone number, the names of friends — it just fucking vanishes. Language, though I hear it, is stripped of meaning. It’s just fucking noise. Desperately I try to remember as the terror creeps and it’s like trying to hold onto water for dear life. 

Frighteningly futile. 

Memories come back, of course, selective blindness evaporates, shit returns to abnormal, but this sort of thing tends to breed some concern. If it’s not dissociation, I haven’t the foggiest clue what to call it.

I never recall it being so complete as that day in the back of the car, however, and no matter how brief, it makes me wonder — especially as I continue with my daily meditation routine. I have become fascinated with the notion of Witness consciousness, the core of awareness behind the mind — observing thoughts, emotions and sensations from a detached perspective.

Much as water in a lake — which would have served as our initial and natural mirror — our minds perhaps act not only as a medium to objective reality but a mirror for our true self. Just as you cannot see your physical face but require a reflective surface to see it indirectly through reflection, it makes sense that you would require the mind to see the inner self indirectly. So is my brain just a malfunctioning, meaty transceiver? 

Or is it truly that the real me, my inner self, the witness, my “original face” is entirely devoid of any characterizing qualities?