Bootleg Memories: On the Nature and Structure of Soul-Recycling.

I. OF DOPS & CHILDREN OF CORT.

The late Dr. Ian Stevenson, MD, was a biochemist, professor of psychiatry, and ultimately the head of the Division of Perceptual Studies (DOPS) at the University of Virginia School of Medicine. There he spent some forty years investigating roughly three thousand cases of children who appeared to remember former lives, which he called Cases of the Reincarnation Type (CORT). This led to his publication of several books on the subject, all of which were geared toward the scientific community. Tom Schroeder’s book Old Souls, in which the author accompanies Stevenson on some trips to investigate these children, finally brought his studies to the attention of the public. He died in 2007 at 88 years of age, though the intriguing work he began has thankfully continued.

Child psychiatrist Dr. Jim Tucker, MD, worked with Stevenson for some time until taking over his role as director of DOPS upon Stevenson’s retirement in 2002. While he continues Stevenson’s efforts to sway the scientific community into taking the subject seriously, he is certainly more geared toward introducing the subject to the general public and exploring more cases based in the US. Tucker has spoken about the research in print and media and published an overview of the research in his 2005 book, Life Before Life. He subsequently published Return to Life in 2013 and another, in 2021, entitled Before: Children’s Memories of Previous Lives, which combined both books.

Throughout Stevenson’s investigations, his attitude and strategies remained as scientific and methodical as could be possible given the subject matter. Unlike most of those you hear about who explore apparent past life memories, for instance, he didn’t rely on regression hypnosis — a big plus, since many psychologists and the like scoff at hypnosis as an accurate means of retrieving memory, even when confined to a single lifetime. Instead, he interviewed young children from India, Burma, Thailand, West Africa, Turkey, Lebanon, Syria, and North America, all of whom spontaneously recalled past lives. He also interviewed their birth families and the families they insisted they formerly belonged to, sought out autopsy reports to confirm the mode of death, and utilized psychological tests and questionnaires. In his analysis of the cases, he sought out conventional explanations such as fraud, fantasy, cryptomnesia, and paramnesia. Having eliminated these possibilities, he would then consider various paranormal processes. Eliminating all else, there was reincarnation, which he concluded was the best explanation for the majority of the studied cases.

A common objection was that most of the cultures in which cases were found have some sort of belief in reincarnation, but the cases Stevenson has accumulated don’t seem to align with the cultural beliefs prevalent in the cultures in question. On the contrary, many cases seem to run into direct opposition as to what the religion believes in regard to the who, what, when, where, and why of life, death, and rebirth. I found this pattern continued throughout the two seasons of a television show called The Ghost Inside My Child, unassociated with DOPS, in which the parents of young children from the US claimed to have lived former lives, and even the period between lives, often the despite growing up in the context of various forms of Christianity.

With respect to DOPS, requirements for a case to be considered strong evidence for the existence of reincarnation involve the subject’s statements correctly corresponding to events in the life of only one deceased person (which they call the “previous personality,” and which for entirely immature reasons I refuse to abbreviate). They also seek out cases in which the two families had no previous knowledge of one another or the subjects’ statements were recorded before verification. Families will often be inspired or driven by a child to find the family of a previous personality before investigators get to them, but when that is not the case, the investigators investigate cases within a few weeks or months of their development. Aside from studying individual cases, they also subject groups of cases to analysis, which allows them to compare cases within a culture as well as cross-culturally.

Tucker has continued this effort as well. In his aforementioned book, Life Before Life, he gives results from their as-yet-unfinished computerized database, which had less than half of the case files they studied at the time of its writing. For instance, from this we know that the median age of death reported in CORT is 28, the median distance between the place of death and the place of rebirth is 14 kilometers, and the median interval between death and rebirth of the subject is sixteen months.

In other words, most of them died young, more than half the time violently, and neither waited too long nor traveled too far before completing what we might describe as the cosmic recycling process of consciousness. While some may interpret this to mean that the factors of dying a violent death and dying young are what compelled their reincarnation, as they had more life to live or had unfinished business to attend to, it could just as easily be the case that we all experience reincarnation and that these factors, particularly the emotional intensity of the memories regarding their violent death, merely made those in CORT more apt than most to recall aspects of their past lives.

II. AN AUTOPSY OF EXOSOMATIC MEMORIES.

What CORT suggests, if nothing else, is that memory is not dependent on the body; as a consequence, these cases suggest what we might call exosomatic memories. While the DOPS does not categorize them as such, it seems to me that the evidence of reincarnation amassed in their studies falls into three general categories of long-term memory: explicit memory, implicit memory, and what we might call, if only for lack of a better term, morphological memory.

Explicit memory, often referred to as declarative memory, deals with the conscious recollection of events and the data gleaned from and so associated with those events. It is subcategorized into episodic memory, or the memory of sensory events, and semantic memory, or the memory of the associated knowledge.

Typically in CORT, explicit memories are the first to arrive, or at the very least the first to be identified by others. Globally, the children in these cases often first begin speaking about events of their former lives as soon as they develop the capacity to speak, which is to say between two and five years of age, with the average standing at 35 months. Some children seem to retain these memories regardless as to their state of mind, whereas others only seem capable of doing so when in a relaxed, trancelike state, with amnesia often setting in once they snap out of it, and quite abruptly in some cases.

These bootleg, episodic memories typically include their death and the events surrounding it, and this may first surface in recurring nightmares. As mastery of the native language grows, the kid will continue to spill details of people, places, and events associated with the previous personality, though now they tend to become more elaborate. Sometimes they recall the life of a member of the family or friend of the family, but in other cases, an absolute stranger, and details that the child reports are subsequently verified once the individual’s family, friends, death certificate, autopsy reports, and other information are located. In many cases, the children’s stories are found to match the life of the deceased individual they claim to be with incredible accuracy, and far before being introduced to the family of the dead. They also recognize people, places, and objects that were familiar to the previous personality. While some of these children manage to hold onto their memories longer, perhaps all the way to adulthood, the memories most often begin fading around five years of age, vanishing altogether by the age of eight. They tend to stop speaking about past lives at an average of 72 months.

Semantic memory often manifests as information provided by the subject about their former life, though this is not typically data ultimately stemming from a single episodic memory. Though rare, there are also instances in which these children have displayed xenoglossy, or the ability to speak in a language they should not know – a form of semantic memory.

Around the time they begin speaking about their past lives, strange behaviors are also noted in the child – behaviors that don’t seem to make sense in the context of the present or past conditions of their present life, though it all makes perfect sense when placed in the context of the previous life that the child claims to have had. These are what are known as implicit memories –  a kind of memory you don’t consciously recall but rather unconsciously and automatically enact or experience. Think of the mannerisms and expressions we use, the body postures we hold, the way we handle our voice, how we respond to specific stimuli, what phobias or philias we have, and all of our talents and passions: all of that is bound up in what is known as implicit memory.

In about a third of the cases the subjects in early childhood exhibit phobias or aversions which almost always directly correspond to the way in which the previous personality died. These phobias may be related to the instrument that killed them, the mode of death, or the site at which they claim to have died. Those who drowned will fear being immersed in water. Those who were shot to death will fear guns and loud noises akin to a gunshot. The kind of phobias, in other words, that are not difficult to imagine given the circumstances surrounding their death.

The subject may also exhibit the polar opposite of phobias, however – what Stevenson called philias, but which could also be referred to as fetishes, obsessions, fixations, attachments, or addictions stemming from a previous life. They may, for instance, display homesickness and an apparent inability to let go of their previous lifestyles and circumstances, demanding that they be taken to their “real” home and to their “real” parents, husbands, wives, mistresses, or children. They may beg to be taken to their “real home,” attempt to run away to do it themselves, or even accuse their present parents of kidnapping them. They may have cravings for alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs that the previous personality had been addicted to. They may be attracted to certain clothes, music, or foods related to their previous incarnation. In at least one case, there is allegedly also a suggestion that even their handwriting style may carry over. Children will also often act out their previous occupations, reenact death scenes, and even seek vengeance upon their killers.

They may also exhibit “sexual precocity,” specifically towards romantic or sexual partners of the previous personality. Those born into a body that is the opposite sex of their previous incarnation, Stevenson says, almost always develop gender dysphoria, where they cross-dress or behave like the opposite sex. This may fade over time; if not, he said, the personality becomes homosexual – and though he did not mention it, I feel that it would explain those who are legitimately transgender even better. Sometimes the reborn insist that their names be changed to the names they had in their former life — or, for those who switched biological sex in their present incarnation, they will prefer the other-sex forms of their previous names.

Most astounding of all, perhaps, is that the children may also display strange talents carried over from their previous incarnation. In an interview with Omni, Stevenson commented on how it was relatively easy to explain away the talents of, for instance:

“.. such composers as Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven, all of whose fathers were fine musicians. But what about George Frederic Handel? His family had no discernible interest in music; his father even sternly discouraged it. Or take the cases of Elizabeth Fry, the prison reformer, and Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing. Both had to fight for their chosen callings from childhood onward. One can find endless examples that are difficult to explain given our current theories. But if one accepts the possibility of reincarnation, one can entertain the idea that these children are demonstrating strong likes, dislikes, skills, and even genius that are the logical results of previous experiences. I have found some children with skills that seem to be carried over from a previous life.”

Lastly, there is what I call morphological memory, which deals with the form and appearance of the body, which serves as a reference point and structure for all other forms of memory: when we recall explicit memories, specifically episodic memories, we necessarily experience it through the body as it was at the time; when we enact implicit memory, specifically procedural memory, it certainly involves the body as it was at the time.

Morphological memory manifests in CORT in two major areas.

The first arises out of the fact that sometimes the physical appearance of the subject roughly corresponds to the physical appearance of the previous personality, particularly with respect to facial architecture. The idea seems to be most passionately pursued by one Walter Semkiw, MD, though his research doesn’t seem to be very grounded in my eyes. More convincing is the specific case of one Jeffrey J. Keene, an Assistant Fire Chief who lives in Westport, Connecticut. He has come to believe he’s the reincarnation of John B. Gordon, who was a Confederate General of the Army of Northern Virginia during the American Civil War. Though Keene was not investigated by Ian Stevenson, as with many of Stevenson’s cases Keene and Gordon share physical marks that correspond to one another. Namely, there are six places on Keene’s body where he has either cluster veins, scars, or other markings that correspond to the wounds that Gordon suffered during the Civil War. More important, however, is the incredible likeness between the two in terms of physical appearance.

While Stevenson didn’t focus on this aspect of his cases, he has noted it. When he did follow-up studies years later on some of the children he had previously interviewed, what he found was that they had grown to bear a striking similarity to the physical appearances of the adults they claim to have been in a former life.

One aspect of morphological memory that he did focus on, however, are birthmarks and deformities of his subjects that were found to correspond with wounds and mutilations, in both appearance and location, of the body of the previous personality. In order to confirm this correlation between wounds and birthmarks or deformities, he often has to rely on the memories of surviving friends or relatives regarding the exact locations of the wounds, though in many other cases, he’s been able to get a hold of autopsy and medical records.

Though birthmarks are quite common, he focuses on those that bear an “elevated nevus” – a three-dimensional area that is either depressed, elevated, or puckered – and not merely the typical discoloration. He claims that they are indistinguishable from the scars of healed wounds. Some such birthmarks he’s studied have been found to correspond to bullet wounds (entry and exit, which is just weird) or stab wounds that were the cause of the death of the former body. Sometimes it’s more than a birthmark, though: it’s a deformity. He spoke of children with deformed limbs or even missing toes or fingers who claimed to remember being murdered in a past life, and that the killer had removed these toes or fingers in the process.

These birthmarks and deformities don’t always relate to the mode of death, however. He also has cases in which they correspond to injuries or marks from surgeries that happened at some point close to the time of death. There was, for instance, the case of a boy who lost his fingers in a machine accident, died of an unrelated illness the following year, and was born without those fingers on his right hand. Even more curious are cases that Tucker refers to as “experimental birthmarks.”  As is a practice apparently common in some Asian countries, a person will mark a dying body in hopes that it will show up on the body the individual takes on in the proceeding incarnation. A family member or close friend will make a mark on a dead or dying person with ash, paste, or something similar, believing that when the person is reborn in another body — within the same family, it is usually suspected — that person will bear the same mark in the form of a birthmark and so be identifiable as the previous individual.

Even more amazing are the allegedly profound psychological as well as physical healings that take place in some of these cases. While, as formerly mentioned, DOPS doesn’t deal with past life memories recalled under hypnosis, many such cases in which an individual underwent hypnosis to face apparently past life traumas have cured them of debilitating phobias and other psychological ailments. It doesn’t stop at merely psychological ailments, either.

Take, for instance, the case of Edward Austrian, son of Patricia and Donald Austrian. He had a fear of rain — particularly ”dark, gray, drizzly, damp days,” his mother said — from the time he was about one year of age. He also had chronic throat problems, which he referred to as ”my shot.” Eventually, this throat problem was revealed to be a large, noticeable cyst in his throat, and the doctors decided to remove his tonsils as the first step in surgery. After the surgery at age four, Ed confessed to his parents that he had been an 18-year-old soldier named James during the First World War. He explained in detail how he had made his way through the mud in the rain and cold, how he held his heavy rifle, how he saw a field of trees, and, beyond that, deathly desolation. And he explained then how he had heard a shot ring out behind him, and how the bullet had evidently gone through someone else and then hit him in the back of the neck, after which he felt his throat fill up with blood. After he had broken the ice and could talk about the matter freely with his parents, his fear of rain vanished, as did the cyst — to the amazement of his doctor, Steven Levine, as well as Ed’s own father, who was a doctor as well.

While Stevenson has remarked that these past life memories have benefited the children who have recalled them very little, according to his own investigations, and in his eyes often quite to the contrary, the case of Edward Austrian would seem to suggest otherwise. The implication, in this case, is that if an individual can recall their previous lives, accept them, work through the trauma, and confess the experience to trusted and suitably compassionate individuals, it can not only be psychologically transformative to such individuals but perhaps even inspire physical healing,

III. ON THE NATURE OF THE PSYCHOSPORE.

In the midst of his research into CORT, Stevenson realized that if these cases did indeed constitute evidence of reincarnation, then some nonphysical medium must necessarily exist that was capable of carrying what I call the explicit, implicit, and morphological memories of an individual from one life to the next, and for this reason he gave birth to the notion of a psychospore.

In the field of astral projections, OBEs, Apparitions of the Living, and NDEs, this “psychospore” goes under other names, among them the subtle body, which I’ve personally adopted, if only out of convenience. Some of those who report OBEs, particularly when they have the experience frequently, describe the subtle body as existing both in and around the physical body, roughly corresponding to what many clairvoyants describe as the aura or energy field they perceive as existing in and around all living beings. An OBE occurs, then, when the subtle body to some degree detaches from the physical body, though even when traveling a long distance it becomes clear from the reports of their experiences that they somehow remain partially attached to the physical body, as noises or other things occurring to the physical body or in its physical surroundings can prematurely end the exosomatic excursion. In this light, NDEs would constitute coming to the very edge of severance before snapping back like elasticity to the physical – and death would then constitute the permanent and complete detachment of the subtle body from the physical body in question.

What the morphological memory aspect of CORT suggests is that a two-way avenue of influence between the subtle body and physical body exists, but that the dynamic changes over the course of corporeal existence. The older one gets, in other words, the more the physical body has an influence on the subtle body, whereas, in youth, the physical body seems more sensitive to the influence of the subtle body – to the point that the subtle form serves as a sort of template or blueprint for physical development. I can only assume the reason resides in the fact that the subtle body is incredibly sensitive and responsive to consciousness and that the older one gets, the more one tends to identify with the physical body they inhabit. There seems no other way to explain the likenesses between the facial architecture of an individual and who they recall having been in a previous life, or how death wounds and mutilations, surgeries, and “experimental birthmarks” can carry over as birthmarks and deformities in the new body. In addition, it also helps explains ghost encounters, apparitions of the living, and even the reports of some of those who experience OBEs.

When in their subtle bodies, I’ve personally noted that OBErs describe taking on one of three forms that correspond to how living individuals having encounters with ghosts describe their appearance. I call these three forms the Orb, the Mass, and the Apparition.

The Orb is when the exosomatic individual experiences their “body” as merely a point of awareness, sometimes one that can see in all directions simultaneously. In ghost encounters, this involves coming into contact with what is described as a transparent or glowing orb or sphere of light. Many intriguing videos and photographs have been captured of such Orbs, though others are clearly dust particles.

The Mass is when the exosomatic individual experiences his body as an ambiguous, fluid form and is seen by external observers as an amorphous blob, clump, or stream of fluid smoke.

Lastly, they can manifest as an Apparition, which is to say in a humanoid form, and while from the perspective of the exosomatic individual, it would seem that it’s all the same, from the perspective of observers, this clearly comes in degrees. At one extreme it can take the form of a three-dimensional shadow, but it can also take on the physical characteristics the person has or had during life, complete with clothing, and can appear as a partial apparition, manifesting just part of the body, or a complete, full-body apparition. It may be transparent or it may take on a solidified appearance as if a truly physical individual were standing before you, and in some bizarre cases seeming physical contact apparently indistinguishable from actual physical contact can even take place between the apparition and a living, embodied individual.

It is in the case of apparitions that some rare nay-sayers tend to have a field day in mocking such experiences. I have heard some point out that ghosts not only appear as they did during life but also wear clothes – a fact usually referenced in the context of an attempt to discredit such experiences. Never have I heard it pointed out that, from the perspective of OBErs, there is also the matter of their sense perception being just as it would be if they were experiencing the world through the sense organs of the physical, human body, even when they are not in Apparitional form.

What these two observations – and in fact, all three forms of the exosomatic, be they biologically living or dead – seem to imply is that the subtle body or “psychospore” is sensitive and as a result responsive to consciousness. The Orb represents the exosomatic individual in a highly-focused, active state, and the Mass the exosomatic individual in a state more akin to relaxed free-association and mental wandering. The state of the Apparition, however, would first imply some background, namely that during physical life the subtle body gets conditioned by its experiences in and through the physical body – and secondly, it would imply that the aforementioned conditioning has been so redundant and intense (as one would suspect) that even during an OBE (be one biologically alive or dead) that the subtle body often tends to default to that conditioned form, complete with its trappings, particularly when attempting to make contact with physical surroundings or embodied individuals. This would help explain why when complete apparitions appear they appear as they commonly did during life (repetition) and/or as they did at the time of death (emotional intensity), often manifesting the wounds given to them through the death experience as well. This may also influence one’s desire to reincarnate into a similar (which is to say human) form, but it also seems to affect the development of one’s specific physical appearance once reincarnated.

III. LAPPING FROM THE RIVER LETHE.

Accepting both the subtle body and reincarnation as a reality, however, leaves many questions in the wake, and serves to give those questions emphasis. Two such questions I’ll explore here both involve memory.

Firstly, why is it that most people don’t have access to explicit memories of their former lives, and even the children that do typically forget those memories as they grow older?

One possibility I find to be likely is that amnesia for previous lives serves as a survival strategy for the individual in the present psychological and social context. For some eleven to fourteen years, after all, the human infant is kept in the “second womb” of the home or tribe, mainly around the mother, to ensure survival, growth, and adaptation to the circumstances in which they were born. Here, the infant is not only nourished with food, water, and protection but provided with intellectual and emotional sustenance and behavioral training that allows the child to acquire the skills necessary for their eventual birth from that second womb. In this light, one could easily imagine that recalling previous existences or even the major portion of one’s present life would serve to hinder more than help, perhaps even constituting a direct threat to proper development. Implicit memory and morphological memory remain, of course, but explicit memories just get in the way, so they get buried in our minds.

To look at it from another angle, it may just be a far broader manifestation of the mechanism in our brains that allow us to screen out other conversations and chatter in a crowded restaurant so as to hone in on the conversation we are having with the person on the opposite side of our own table. In other words, our brains focus on our immediate needs and screen out all that is irrelevant to that end. Amnesia regarding former lives has survival value, so it constitutes a successful adaptation in an evolutionary context.

If that is the case, at least for most people, then the question becomes why some of us remember our previous lives at all.

One possible reason might reside in the fact that in 61% of Stevenson’s case files, the subject remembered a violent death (and a sudden one, of course, as violent deaths are typically unexpected by nature). Finding that the roughly 40% of cases in which the subject died of natural death too vague of a category, in his work 20 Cases of Reincarnation, Stevenson further divided natural deaths into four groups: (1) those who died suddenly, within a day or so of presumed health, (2) those who died young, which is to say under twelve years of age, (3) those who died with unfinished business – a mother dying, leaving children behind; debts to pay off or collect – and, last but not least, (4) those that died and, having been reborn, were intent on “continuing business,” which involves being in a state of ambition at the time of death that then carries over into the subsequent life.

Combinations of these five factors can be found in the majority of Stevenson’s cases. In all cases, be the deaths natural or violent, then, we could say that the individuals died with lives they naturally would consider to be incomplete.

This may also help explain why the past life memories collected by DOPS are predominantly “near-sighted”, which is to say that the children can recall with most clarity things that had happened closest to the time of death. This makes sense if you think about it. During life, we are pretty much the same way in regards to the history of our current lifetime: we remember most clearly events closest to us in a temporal sense or closest to us in an emotional sense. Certainly, such a violent means of expiration is close to the individual in both a temporal and emotional sense, and perhaps, therefore, triumphs over the amnesia that would have otherwise set in.

If this is the case, however, we might wonder why most of those children who do recall their past lives nonetheless fail to recall the interim between their lives – and, of course, why some of us do.

After all, in Steveson’s case files the average space of time between death and rebirth is usually about 15 months, and it’s rarely over three years, so surely something happens in the intervening period. So what happens? It’s not just that I haven’t read of many cases myself, either: in an interview, Stevenson explained how this is typical of many of the cases of reincarnation he researches. The children act as if they were leading the former life one moment and then, all of a sudden, poof, they wake up as a baby without warning. Adults trapped in little bodies.

Take the case of two-year-old Celal Kapan, a young Turkish boy in one of Ian Stevenson’s case files, who, almost as soon as he had mastered the language, asked his parents a peculiar question.

“What am I doing here? I was at the port.”

As he grew older, he would come to detail how he had been a dock worker and how he had fallen asleep one day in the cargo hold of a ship. While asleep, a crane operator, not knowing he had been there, was loading the ship and had dropped a heavy oil drum on him. He couldn’t understand what had happened, as it certainly hadn’t killed him — he wasn’t dead, after all. So how had he all of a sudden come to be here, with this strange family, in this strange body?

One hypothesis compares the interim period to a dream. We may remember a dream immediately upon awakening, but it slowly fades from our grasp the longer we are awake. Even so, we can remember quite clearly what happened the day prior. So it’s quite possible that those like Kapan did indeed have an intermission experience, even if they could not access those memories naturally, as they did when it came to their former life.

Some of us, however, tend to have good dream recall. Similarly, there are a minority of CORT cases, which DOPS has designated as Cases of the Reincarnation Type with memories of the Intermission between lives (CORT-I), where children not only recall their past lives but also recall the period between death and rebirth. This is where we shall turn our attention next.

IV. OF CORPOREAL COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

Jim Tucker and Poonam Sharma explored CORT-I in their paper, unambiguously entitled Cases of the Reincarnation Type with Memories from the Intermission Between Lives. At the time of the paper, of the some 1200 CORT cases which had been fed into their database, 276 qualified as CORT-I, and it was upon this that they based this paper. Tucker later expanded on the subject in his 2005 book, Life Before Life.

The paper was based on a study of 35 Burmese children in the CORT-I category, from which they identified a pattern and subsequently developed what they called a “three-stage temporal scheme” to outline how these intermission experiences tend to unfold. Though they emphasized that this was only preliminary, that not all subjects experienced every stage, that there may be changes in the sequence in some cases, and that “while the specific imagery may be culture-specific” (presumably in reference to experiences in “another realm,” a subject explored below), comparisons suggested that these three stages were applicable not just to the aforementioned Burmese cases, but to cases from all across the world.

While they did not emphasize it in the aforementioned paper, it’s also important to understand that at every stage the subject may also have intermission memories that involve them being in “terrestrial” locations and/or in “another realm,” which summons associations with related areas of paranormal study, particularly reports of out of body experiences (OBEs), ghost encounters, and Near Death Experiences (NDEs).

1. TRANSITIONAL STAGE.

In the first, Transitional Stage, the “discarnate” earn their title and must deal with the struggles inherent in emotionally detaching themselves from the previous lifetime. For some, this may involve the fundamental issue of coming to terms with the fact that one is dead. For others, this may be evident to them early on. They may hang around the body, and even witness their own funeral. Sometimes they hang around the family for a time or remain around the death site. Attempts at contacting loved ones may be made, often (though curiously, not always) attempts that prove futile, or they may find themselves driven away by the grief of their loved ones. Often this stage meets its end when they encounter an elder who guides them to an area that essentially becomes their residence for the length of their stay during the intermission period.

This stage brings to mind Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s concept of DABDA. In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, she describes a five-stage emotional coping process that many people go through in the wake of the death of a loved one or the realization of their own, impending expiration. While every individual is unique and it may not apply to everyone, and while even when they do apply they may not manifest in the linear fashion she proposed, she adopted the acronym DABDA for the stages she defined as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance.

The Transitional Stage of CORT-I seems to deal primarily with overcoming Denial, and though Acceptance may be reached in this stage, it may go no further than Denial until one reaches the Stable Stage – and for some, perhaps, they may never arrive at Acceptance at all.

2. STABLE STAGE.

In the following stage, called the `stable stage’, the discarnate will settle in a particular location that becomes a sort of home or, perhaps more accurately, a temporary residence. This may be a holy temple, the place where one previously lived, the place of death, or — and this is interesting — they may even inhabit a tree. Here, they interact with other discarnates, and these interactions run the gamut. In other words, they may be pleasant, or they may be total assholes.

The reports of “terrestrial” experiences during the intermission seem in many ways to tell the same stories you hear in anecdotes regarding hauntings and encounters with the dead, the difference in this case being, of course, that the anecdotes are related not from the perspective of the haunted, but from the haunting. This leads one to suspect that many cases of enduring haunting may represent discarnate who have never managed to escape the disembodied state, never achieved the “Acceptance” stage of DABDA or the Stable Stage of CORT-I, and in support of this hypothesis the two categories share some intriguing overlap.

Interestingly, though perhaps not coincidentally, the same factors Stevenson identified in the children of CORT and CORT-I cases are said to be present in cases of haunting: their lives were incomplete. When dying too early, we might say, it would seem that individuals are prone to cling to the passions, people, and places that they had been attached to during life, and these attachments compel them to either haunt them like a ghost or quickly reincarnate following their deaths, typically in an area close in proximity to the place in which they died, or even within the family in which they died, and in any case having remembered who they previously were, at least for as long as they are able.

As mentioned earlier, this suggests that to one degree or another, they may be stuck in the initial, “denial” phase of DABADA, unable to accept their own premature deaths and adapt to their current circumstances in a healthy and productive manner. Or they may have moved past Denial, to Anger, where they remain.  It would be interesting to subject these reincarnation cases to analysis and see if they follow the other stages of DABDA and if the final phase, Acceptance, has any relation as to when – or if – they began forgetting their past life memories.

To provide some semblance of hope: if the American cases of CORT and CORT-I displayed in the television series Ghost in My Child are to be believed, at least some of these children can gain a sense of closure and accomplish the final A in DABDA, and then go on with living their present lives.

During this stage, they often interact with other discarnates. They may also have successful communications with the friends and family of one’s previous life. They can communicate through departure dreams, as apparitions, and even through poltergeist phenomena.

To offer another example, Stevenson also writes of Veer Singh, a man who allegedly previously lived a life as a man named Som Dutt. After death as Som Dutt, he reports hanging around the Dutt family, following family members when they left the house in the evening. He was able to reveal details to Stevenson regarding the Dutt family — that children were born, that they bought a camel, that they were involved in a lawsuit — all stuff that had occurred after Som Dutt’s death and before his reincarnation as Veer Singh. Som Dott’s mother claimed that she had a dream that Som tattle-tailed on his brother, who he said he’d been following him as he snuck out of the house at night to attend local fairs. When she confronted her son about this, he admitted to doing so, and that was the first time anyone else in the house knew about it.

3. RETURN STAGE.

Assuming that the discarnate in question is ultimately recycled back into the flesh, they come to experience the third stage, the Return Stage. During this return stage, the discarnate may communicate with their past or future relatives through dreams and might again appear as apparitions or interact with the physical environment through poltergeist activity. And here is where we might hope to find out whether we chose our present life, or at least our present parents, and answer questions regarding our motivations and limitations as well as the process by which we become reborn.

With respect to this final, return stage, there is also the matter of seeming geographical and temporal restraints, specifically with respect to where one died and where they were subsequently reincarnated. One might like to imagine that after death, one has the ability to incarnate anywhere in the world – or even off-world – that one chooses, and at any time, but at least within the cases amassed by the Division of Perceptual Studies, that doesn’t seem to be the case. They almost always seem rather bound, geographically speaking, with respect to where they died – destined to be born within the same country, the same town or village, even, in some cases, in the same family – and within a limited amount of time.

In the aforementioned paper on CORT-I, they do their best to narrow down the distance between the place of death and the place of rebirth. The mean distance for CORT-I is 201 kilometers; the median distance, 20 kilometers. For CORT, the mean distance is 255 kilometers; the median is 14 kilometers. They added, however, that these estimates were skewed by a small number of extremely-long-distance cases.

In addition, there are temporal constraints: the average space of time between death and rebirth is usually about 15 months. I have thus far been unable to find any data that suggests a distinction between CORT and CORT-I in this area.

Within CORT, there is evidence that seems to suggest that there are circumstances or perhaps personality types that do not choose through whom they are born – or perhaps that they did choose their parents, but merely forgot having done so, or even their underlying motivations. After all, some children act as if they were in their last life one minute and had woken up in a child’s body the next (“I was just at the port!”). This, I confess, could be adequately explained by the amnesia regarding the period between lives that plague the bulk of CORT, but these don’t represent the bulk of cases I’ve come across. Very often, children of the CORT are very unhappy with their living conditions, circumstances, and parents, often demanding to be taken back to their family of the previous life or attempting to run away in an effort to return to their former home on their own. These children act as if they had been kidnapped and held prisoner, which makes perfect sense from their perspective – but it does not make it easy for me to believe that these children choose their parents during some forgotten period between death and rebirth. It seems far more likely that reincarnation in these cases was reactionary – an unconscious and automatic process rather than a conscious and deliberate one.

Within both CORT and CORT-I, however, there exists anecdotal evidence that at least in some circumstances, discarnates can choose their parents, and this evidence easily falls into three distinct categories.

First is what Tucker refers to as Predictions. This typically manifests as some elderly individual who declares to loved ones that they plan on reincarnating through a particular woman, and some time after the death of that elderly individual that particular woman has a child that bears explicit, implicit and/or morphological memories that correspond to the life of the aforementioned individual. Tucker maintains that they occur frequently among the lamas of Tibet and in the Tlingit, an Alaskan tribe.

Second, are the intermission memories provided by some children of CORT-I in which they explained the process of choosing their present parents out of their own volition, or perhaps through being unconsciously compelled, or how they were taken to them by guides or are directed by the old man mentioned earlier. A story that illustrates a possible manifestation of this stage is as follows. One rainy day, after hanging around that tree where he was murdered some seven years ago, Chamrat saw the man who would be the father of Bongkuch Promsin. He then followed Mr. Promsin onto a bus and to his home. Mr. Promsin later told Stevenson that shortly before his wife became pregnant, he had indeed gone to visit Hua Tanon, and that day it was indeed raining.
In some cases, they describe having fought to be born through a particular family, or even an individual.

In many American cases, Tucker points out, children talk about being in heaven and choosing their next parents. Some children report having followed them home as they pass by doing their daily activities. They may have memories surrounding the pregnancy, of their experience in the womb, of the actions of the parents during pregnancy, and even have memories of being born. While I was passionately interested in the manner in which they described the process of reincarnating, I didn’t expect that such details would be available, much less provided in the paper. I was pleasantly surprised, as nine of the 35 CORT-I Burmese children did:

“This was most often by transforming into a grain of rice or speck of dust in the water and being ingested by the mother. A few went to considerable lengths, having to try repeatedly when either they were rebuffed by guardian spirits or the water was thrown out as dirty.”

Third is what Stevenson referred to as “Departure Dreams,” which involve the discarnate saying goodbye to their former family and suggesting where they will next be incarnating, as well as the more common “Announcing Dreams,” where they either ask permission or provide a sort of statement of intent to a member of the family they wish to be born into. Of this, Stevenson writes:

“The announcing dreams, especially the petitionary ones, also suggest that a discarnate personality has chosen the family for his next incarnation. In a few announcing dreams one senses even a determination on the part of the discarnate personality for rebirth in a particular family. In one Haida case a deceased person appeared in the dream of a potential mother and grumbled to her about being kept waiting to reincarnate. In chapter 4 I described how Samuel Helander’s mother had a dream in which her brother Pertti (whose life Samuel later remembered) urged her not to have an abortion. A parallel case, that of Rajani Sukla, occurred in a family of India. A daughter of the family was killed in an accident. Later, her mother had a dream in which the daughter seemed to announce her wish to be reborn to her. Rajani’s mother, however, did not wish to have another child and induced an abortion. The deceased child appeared again in a dream and rebuked the mother for not letting her reincarnate. Eventually, the mother consented and gave birth to Rajani, who later remembered the life of her older sister.”

Elsewhere, he adds:

“Announcing dreams have been reported in all of the countries where we find these cases… The dreams vary in their form. Among the Tlingit, the discarnate personality appearing in an announcing dream often conveys symbolically his intention to reincarnate. For example, in the dream he may walk into the house with his suitcase and deposit it in one of the bedrooms; or he may enter the parents’ bedroom and lie down between them. In contrast, announcing dreams among the Burmese often represent the discarnate personality as petitioning to reincarnate in the family chosen. This suggests that the dreamer has the option to refuse such a request.”

In Children Who Remember Previous Lives: A Question of Reincarnation, Stevenson goes on to say:

“Much less frequent than announcing dreams are what I call departure dreams. In a dream of this type, a member of a deceased person’s family — his widow perhaps — dreams that the deceased person indicates the family in which he can be found after his reincarnation.”

While interesting, one might wonder why these relatively rare CORT-I merit anything more than a passing glance, particularly given the fact that typically little evidence can be provided in support of these intermission memories. Similarly, one might wonder why such cases would be so rare, anyway – why would some remember intermission memories, yet others do not? In the aforementioned paper, they explored these questions, and what they found was quite interesting indeed, as it turns out both the aforementioned questions have the same answer.

Though both CORT and CORT-I were found to be similar in all respect save for those characteristic intermission memories, the CORT-I proved to be supported by stronger evidence in four categories, all but one of which correspond to the categories of memory I used earlier to describe the evidence they’ve amassed in CORT. The evidence was stronger with respect to explicit memory, for instance, which is to say children with intermission memories made more statements regarding their alleged former incarnation that were subsequently verified. It was also stronger with respect to their implicit memory, or the behaviors, talents, phobias, and other unconscious and automatic tendencies associated with the previous personality. Even in the arena of morphological memory, in the birthmarks and birth defects that corresponded to the death wounds or other marks or scars on the previous personality’s body both prior to and even after death, there was stronger evidence.

What their comparisons revealed is that the only real difference between CORT and CORT-I cases is that the individuals in CORT-I have exceptionally better memories. As a consequence, CORT-I would seem to not only represent the strongest of the available CORT cases but also depict the most accurate portrayal we have available to us of what life after death is like – or, more accurately, what the interim between lives is like.

Taken as a whole, the structure of samsara seems rather clear: we die, we haunt for a stretch, then we succumb to the impulse to embody matter once again. During that haunting stretch, however, we not only reside as an often invisible and otherwise indetectable resident of the physical realm but have access to another place entirely – and though it may be related to the otherworldly realm we access during corporeal life, which is to say the dreamscape, that doesn’t diminish the implications at all.

V. OF DREAMS & OTHER REALMS.

As previously mentioned, during both NDEs and CORT-I subjects report experiences in two distinct contexts: the physical realm and another, otherworldly realm. In both NDEs and CORT-I, cross-cultural studies have revealed the nature of this otherworldly realm in both cases is clearly culturally influenced. The easy explanation is that discarnates dream just as the living do and this otherworldly realm is, in fact, the dream state we’re already quite familiar with, though clearly of a more lucid quality than that which is typically experienced during corporeal life. This may be due to the fact that the dreams of the discarnate are no longer regulated, influenced, and interrupted by biological functions.

No ears to pick up the irritating sounds of the alarm clock. No full bladder that nags you into waking up to relieve yourself. Perhaps even no NREM or REM stages to structure sleep in a cycle, nor any effects caused by caffeine or other drugs on that cycle.

That discarnates dream is already implied in CORT and CORT-I in what Stevenson has referred to as “arrival dreams” and “departure dreams.” In tandem, the telepathic effects of the dreams of the discarnate are implied as well. In departure dreams, a recently dead individual will contact living loved ones in the dream state indicating through whom they intend to reincarnate, whereas in arrival dreams the parents-to-be will be visited in the dream state with the discarnate announcing their intention to reincarnate as their child-to-be.

Interestingly enough, this type of telepathic dream phenomenon isn’t just known to be a characteristic of the dreams of the dead but has been reported between two or more living individuals as well.

In the field of parapsychology, there are experiments dealing with what are known as Telepathic Dreams in which a sleeping individual (“the receiver”) telepathically picks up on the thoughts, emotions, and experiences of a waking individual (“the sender”) and weaves them into a dream, with the content of the dream in question varying from symbolic on one end to literal on the other. Outside of the context of parapsychological experiments, this has occurred when the so-called “sender” is not, at the very least, deliberately sending, and the so-called “receiver” is not intentionally receiving, however, so it appears that the conscious intent of only one is necessary for this phenomenon to occur – or that it may occur spontaneously, without the conscious intention of either, and in any case making these titles rather arbitrary at best.

Though this isn’t exactly what seems to be happening in arrival and departure dreams (though for all we know it still could be), these dreams described by Stevenson do seem to be indistinguishable from what has been variously referred to as shared dreams, collective dreams, mass dreams, group dreams, reciprocal dreams or, as Linda Lane Magallón calls them in her book of the same name, the experience of Mutual Dreaming. Unlike Telepathic Dreams – and so far as I can discern, this is the only difference – mutual dreams occur when all involved individuals are asleep and dreaming. As a consequence (assuming only two are involved), unless it is borne out of the intent of one without the knowledge of the other, distinguishing the sender from the receiver is difficult if not impossible. For all we know, all involved could be sending and receiving simultaneously.

According to Magallón, mutual dreams come in two main types, Meeting Dreams and Meshing Dreams, both of which have a spectrum of intensity.

Most of the mutual dreams she’s collected come in the form of Meshing Dreams. At the weaker end of the spectrum, they are quite similar to Telepathic Dreams with respect to how the contents of the dreams of both dreamers appear to suffer from telepathic cross-contamination. They share elements, images, or themes, but the individuals involved do not encounter each other in the context of their dreams. At the most intense end of the spectrum, where the “meshing” is complete, while the involved dreamers will still not see each other within the context of the dream, they seem to embody the same point of view in an identical dream environment. Given the similarity with Telepathic Dreams, the natural assumption would be that in the case of two dreamers, for instance, one dreamer is having a personal dream while the other, the receiver, is telepathically picking it up and consequently weaving the telepathic data into the content of their own. In other words, the dream of the receiver will have elements that resonate with the dreaming experience of the target, or even share the dreaming experience of the target, though the target may have no role in the experience at all.

More interesting to me are what Magallón calls Meeting Dreams, which are distinct from Meshing Dreams in that they involve two or more individuals reportedly inhabiting the same dreamscape, but from their own, individual perspectives, just would be the case in the physical realm, and where they appear to one another as they do in physical life. They may even be in different areas of the dreamscape for a time before encountering one another, though at least one of the dreamers sees the other. Far more interestingly, often enough both dreamers see and even interact with one another. This can apparently also occur during false awakenings. She also cites cases in which the individual dreamers may also be in different states of consciousness, which is to say that one dreamer may be at a low level of consciousness while the other is lucid dreaming – which is to say the person is awake within the dream, and may even know they are dreaming.

All of this, taken together, became incredibly intriguing to me for two reasons. First, if the corporeal can share dreams with one another, and the discarnate can share dreams with the corporeal, then it would not be a leap to assume that discarnates can share dreams with other discarnates.

Most curious of all, however, is the fact that these meeting dreams are not limited to merely two individuals. On the contrary, she shares numerous reports of multiple dreamers inhabiting the same dream. This immediately led me down a rabbit hole of speculation, for even if dreams – personal or otherwise – only exist for as long as a dreamer is dreaming it, so long as at least one individual remains in a Meeting Dream it could potentially be sustained. If you take some time and consider this, you begin to imagine how it might be if one could learn to initiate meeting dreams intentionally and then train others across the globe with whom you could share dreams. If you factor in time zones, where the sleeping schedules of members of this global group were to always overlap in such a way that a meeting dream was never unoccupied, one could continue such a mutual dream indefinitely – especially if the network grew and elder members, once they died, remained as nodes in the network.

In essence, one could say that this would be like creating a stable, parallel reality – but then the real question arises: is it only “like” creating a parallel reality, or could it be the case that it is indeed one? Would this network of global mutual dreamers all constitute co-creators in a continuously-reinforced, ever-evolving parallel universe, though operating in accordance with laws that are distinct from our physical universe – which, as a consequence, would perhaps make this shared dream world more accurately described as an “alternate” universe?

To go even further, another question arises: have we done this already, through our religious belief structures? Could it be that when we die, or at least once we know that we’re dead, our expectations govern the collective “meeting dream” we ultimately find ourselves within – particularly so if we are a member of a religion and deeply connected with other followers who share our beliefs regarding what the afterlife is like?

Is this, perhaps, why the otherworldly experiences of many of those undergoing an NDE or CORT-I are so culturally-influenced?

There may be reasons to suspect this is the case. For instance, Tucker wondered why some of the children of CORT-I reported experiences in another realm while others did not, and while he stressed the results were only preliminary, he found suggestions of an answer that may work quite well with my aforementioned speculations. He found that if the previous personality died by natural means, the death was expected, and they meditated during life, they are more likely to remember another realm. The more they meditated, as a matter of fact, the greater the detail in their reports regarding that other realm. Whether these factors make them more likely to experience another realm or merely more likely to remember them cannot be ascertained, of course, but his overall findings are curious in any case.

If someone knows they are dying, they have time to anticipate their demise and – consciously or unconsciously – speculate on what an afterlife might be like. If their expectations have been shaped and ingrained into them by a particular religion and reinforced by those that they’re close to who hold the same beliefs, it would make sense, given what I’ve previously speculated, that they would, by psychological default, join their fellow believers in the discarnate dream-state in a mutual, “meeting dream” that has been fashioned by those collective beliefs. These aspects alone may naturally drive them toward such shared, exosomatic dream worlds, but it seems rather clear to me how the element of meditation might make them more liable to remember their experiences there when (or if) they subsequently reincarnate and are subsequently able to relate such experiences. While meditation has many benefits, the one that has relevance here is self-awareness and living in the moment, and it isn’t a stretch to assume how these qualities would serve to enhance memory — explicit memory most specifically.

VI. INTERSPECIES REINCARNATION.

While most cases amassed by the DOPS  involve humans incarnating into other humans, I was rather surprised to find that lifetimes as animals are also reported in some cases. In Tucker’s 2013 book, Return to Life, he described that while Stevenson was initially inclined to dismiss and even mock cases of alleged previous incarnations as other animals, as they were typically both rare and unverifiable, he eventually opened his mind to them.

In Tucker’s aforementioned book, he provided but one, lone exception to the rule.

This was a case in Thailand investigated by Francis Story, and it dealt with a boy named Dalawong. He claimed he had been a deer in a former life, but was then killed by a hunter, and subsequently incarnated into a python. In that life, he was killed in a particular cave, where he had fought with two dogs, and was finally confronted by the owner of the dogs, one Mr. Hiew, who ultimately killed him. Mr. Hiew subsequently fed the snake meat to several people, among them Dalawong’s father-to-be. In spirit form, he saw his future father and found him to be the kindest of those who were fed the meat of his former body, so he followed him home and entered the body of his mother-to-be.

At three years of age, Dalawong saw Mr. Hiew when he came to a party he was attending with his family and tried to attack him. Dalawong then recounted the story of his own former death, all of which Mr. Hiew allegedly confirmed. Unexpectedly, he then forgave Hiew and, as he got older, began killing snakes himself, though as a sort of mercy-killing, stating that living as a snake was difficult. Some two decades after his interview with Francis Story, he still believed he had lived a life as a python, and continued to go to the cave where he had died every three months to meditate.

Given the desires unique to being human, it makes sense that our natural impulse would be to incarnate again into human form, but that may amount to merely a personal preference. After all, CORT and CORT-I cases suggest that a woman can die and incarnate as a man in the following incarnation, or a man may die and subsequently incarnate into a woman. And while many children of the CORT desire to return to their former family simply because they have been unable to let go of them, and were only forced away from them due to their death, and may even attempt to run away from their current family to their former one in their subsequent incarnation, as we have seen, the motivations of other such children are more shallow: they simply don’t like being born into a poor family, for instance. One could argue that either the individual in question felt at an unconscious level that they needed to experience these circumstances even though the conscious aspect of the personality isn’t quite on board, or that perhaps guides made this decision for them. One gets the sense that they had an intense impulse to return to the flesh, however, and only chose to be born into the families they were born into out of convenience mixed with a sense of desperation. Perhaps the cases of interspecies reincarnation were made for just the same kind of reasons: if not the only available option, it was the best one within reach.

I confess it’s difficult for me to take such accounts seriously, though ultimately, given contemplation, one wonders how, if indeed reincarnation exists, such interspecies reincarnation couldn’t be the rule. Perhaps this is merely due to my default assumptions, however. For all I know, perhaps, despite the capacity to live countless lives in organic bodies, souls are also born and also die, just as their temporary shells do. My personal opinion is that this is not the case, though I, of course, haven’t the slightest suggestion of evidence in support of this working hypothesis. If souls always have been, however, or at the very least cannot die once spawned into existence, this leaves us with some rather interesting questions.

One should consider where souls currently in human flesh found their fleshy homes prior to the evolution of the human species. An easy answer would be earlier forms of life on this planet. Prior to the first organic forms of life, however, where did such souls reside? Were they merely bodiless? Or is the universe perhaps teeming with life, and all souls ultimately migrated from other life-bearing planets?

As dismal as it is, consider that we may ultimately destroy ourselves, perhaps obliterate all life on the planet in the process – and if somehow we don’t and yet fail to establish human colonies off-planet, that in five billion years our star, the sun, will bloat to become a red giant that will obliterate our planet entirely. Is that then the end of reincarnation?  Would we subsequently just be souls without bodies, or would we perhaps be able to migrate to other stars, other stellar systems, and happen upon other life-bearing exoplanets, through whom we could continue our spiritual journey?

Dead Not Gone.

If your body dies yet you still exist, life is over and the afterlife has begun, or so conventional non-materialistic thought goes. Yet if reincarnation is the case and one is born again — literally, not in that Christian way — is that still the afterlife? Or was the afterlife even the afterlife, considering its before life, too? An intralife? A corporeal intermission? An existential commercial break in the land of the skinless, the culture of the dead not gone?

A Catalog of Cosmic Seashells.

One morning I awoke with a strange, realistic “dream” still fresh in my mind and had Eve climb up from her bottom bunk to my own. For some reason, I wanted to ensure that neither mom nor dad overheard me or that Eve would go and tell them about it. After swearing her to secrecy, I explained to her how other children and I had been huddled close together in this strange, brightly-lit room. In the midst of the crowd, someone extended their hand, fingers spread, and at the center of their palm rested something wonderful, awe-inspiring and strange. It was a tiny, white worm, its body from one end to the other rippled into segments. At the head of the creature, which rose and looked in my direction, shone a brilliant blue light that shimmered outward in all directions, mesmerizing us all. As I stared at the creature in wonder, a whisper so loud and close it seemed to have come from inside my head, stated quite bluntly, “It’s an extraterrestrial.”

The light in the creature’s head, I had been told, was its soul, and we are all radiant beings light that. The body was just a shell, like the shell of a hermit crab. Once we outgrow our shell we shed it, seeking out another that serves as a better fit. Some souls don’t have bodies, I was also told, and they exist all around us. If we try hard enough, we can see them.

Together with my sister, I blinked my eyes speedily, making the whole world look like an old motion picture. Though it had not been told to me, I had somehow reasoned that this was the means by which we could see the disembodied souls, and I did this often when we walked to school. Aware that there may be souls around me that I could not see, even though I seemed to be alone, I would sometimes do something to acknowledge them and would politely excuse myself if I belched or farted. This behavior has carried on into my adulthood.

Other memories linger around the peripheral of the one regarding the hermit crab soul and the cosmic seashells. For instance, I also have memories of a vast, blue-colored space through which I, as a bluish ball of light, hovered and zoomed about, and I felt as if this place was some ancient, spiritual “Home.” It seems attached to what I had been told in the dream, as do the lines, “death is a transitory state,” and, “we are all light and boundless,” though I cannot recall any instance in the narrative in which she might have told me this. The dream also seems attached to my later chilhood, when I had a room alone. Oftentimes I would lie awake in bed at night and daydream, or merely think. I remember noting quite a few times that I was sure I knew what certain things and certain experiences felt like — what it felt like to die or be a grown-up, for instance — even though by conventional logic I knew that there was no way this could be true.

More interestingly, this dream would appear to be just one of the many encounters I had with an unearthly female presence in my youth, though it still stands as the earliest encounter with her I have come to remember. Often in these experiences I would only recall her as an internal voice from an external sourse, namely her willowy form nearby. In her mind or my own, perhaps some transient psychic fusion, she would explain various concepts to me in the form of a voice-over as a lifelike dream scenario blossomed before me. As she went on paying me visits throughout my youth, she seemed to slowly show more of herself. Glimpses of her are scattered about in my memories, her willowy form covered by a robe or cloak, the hood of which typically hung down, obscuring her features in shadows.

On a single occasion, however, I managed to get a good look at her, and the hood also failed to obscure her face. Similarities certainly existed between her and one type of the malicious creatures I had encountered, namely those creatures commonly referred to as the Grays. She was distinguished from them externally only in two ways. Her skin was snow-white, for one thing, much like the creature on the cover of the book Missing Time by Budd Hopkins, the book that triggered the trickle of memory that swiftly grew into a flood. For another thing she — again like the creature on the cover of that book — had wider, almond-shaped eyes. In terms of the inside, she felt more emotional and empathic, and had a sincere desire to offer the information she was teaching me.

In the midst of what seemed to be a more casual conversation than those which we usually had, I remember revealing to her how I had recently decided that I wanted to be either a scientist or a chef when I grew up. We were, at the time, both standing in my room in the area opposite the bed, with her beside me, far taller than me. Curious as to what she did for a living, I asked her what she was, and she said she was a Teacher. I pondered on whether I might one day be a teacher as well. In response, she said that I would probably become an Artist, because that was “my work.” I asked her how she knew it would be my job. She said that she did not mean that kind of work, at least not necessarily. Instead, she explained, by “work” she meant that it was a talent I had developed over the course of many lifetimes and would likely continue to develop in this one.

It is also curious that much of what she told me also seems to provide a context for the strange memories and recurring dreams I had in childhood, not to mention the strange experiences that saturate my life to this very day. The explanation regarding cycles of death and rebirth, for instance, certainly provided a context for the last grouping of memories to flood my mind during high school. It was as if my mind was an onion, and I had peeled off the outermost layer that constituted my present life and was now compelled to peel myself always to the very marrow of my inner self.

After the flashbacks in my teens, when I decided to be intentionally receptive to my subconscious and attempt to get the puzzle-pieces of my buried memories together into a cohesive whole, I at first had what you might call very narrow search parameters. Specifically, I was targeting and only allowing myself to explore the memories that arose involving aliens. Later, I spent a good deal of time targeting the memories regarding Jimmy, especially when I began to suspect and decided I must explore the possibility that all this alien stuff might really be the result of childhood abuse of some nature. Despite this broadened search, however, I still felt the subconscious itch — the feeling that memories laying just beneath the threshold of consciousness desired to arise — and often began to, only to have me push them aside because they didn’t meet my qualifications for exploration — that involved neither Jimmy or, at least in the sense I had come to accept, aliens.

I recall one night feeling the strength I deemed necessary to face whatever these memories involved, so I lay in bed, opened myself up, let myself become receptive and decided to leave it all open-ended. Whatever desired to reveal itself I would grasp with my mental hands and explore. To my absolute surprise, the memories that came to show themselves were remarkably mundane in every way save for one. That one quality, however, made all the difference: they could not be my own. They were my own — I felt and knew that somehow — but they were not memories that I had been taught could in any way belong to me, as they did not fit within the context of my life. Or at least of this life. They were all memories of what must have been — to consider, for the moment, that the memories are real — previous lifetimes I’ve lived, of walks and works taken prior to my residence in the physical body my culture had taught me must have been my one and only, and which science insisted was not a mere residence of consciousness but it’s manufacturer.

Doubtlessly, it might have been a lot easier for me to swallow if it were merely one previous life that revealed itself to me. My disbelief gave way to curiosity, however, and in the context of that same evening I decided to navigate intentionally through this well of memory in the attempt to go back as far as I could, to conjure up the most ancient of recollections.

When I later subjected them to analysis, I noted that memories of this kind came in two forms: direct memory of the events themselves, and memories of my own childhood when I remembered the events. Again and again I have tried to order them linearly, but it’s proved almost impossible to do so with any certainty. They did not come to me in sequence, and for the most part I seem to just receive memories with intense emotional impact behind them, and whatever associations I can follow from those events. Some events seem `closer’ to my present life, as others seem further away. It would have been neat if I could’ve recalled a moment in a former life where I’d remembered an even earlier one, but that doesn’t seem to have occurred. Nonetheless, they all seem very real, and so I’ve ordered them here the very best I can.

Elsewhere I have described the most ancient set of memories, and how those memories reinforce the allegations and suggestions made by those more malicious creatures that I was, in fact, one of them, though they seemed to stress a genetic, rather than spiritual, nature to the tie. While these memories depicted none of the alien creatures I have seen in my experiences, nor any indication of what I looked like, they were memories of an environment clearly not that of earth. In addition, others have had experiences or memories of similar alien environments while in the presence of the Grays. However the matter ultimately rests, for some reason I stopped living lifetimes on that presumably Saturn-looking planet. Though I don’t have a clue as to their overall placement in the timeline, I recall zooming bodiless through space, so perhaps I made a quite literal spiritual journey to earth. Whatever the explanation proves to me, if this does not all prove to be manifestations of my boundless madness, it is likely to be far more bizarre than the content of this considerably embarrassing paragraph.

As for where I first came to be on this pale blue dot, there is some confusion in me as to whether its Kentucky or Tennessee, though I know we live deep in the woods in this rundown-looking shack of a place that seemed to serve as an orphanage. In dreams I have remembered the interior in detail, and I even made some drawings during high school. In the back, I remember being very familiar with this clever, makeshift shower where we had a large brush and large, yellow bar of soap. Elsewhere in the place, a beam hung down from the ceiling where they hung all the big pots and pans, and this defined the boundary of the kitchen.

The kitchen itself was a dark room of massive size, at least relative to my size and experience at the time, and there was a big metal stove inside. It was here that I remember being part of a crowd of youngsters, and in our midst there sat a large, heavyset woman on a stool. She has a stained white apron on over her blue blouse. With one of the children over her knee, she proceeds to deliver a spanking with a look on her face that conveys a detachment so complete it almost rates as catatonic. As I watch what she is doing to him, I feel that I know all too well what it is like to be in his position. This memory sticks out particularly well, too, as I recall slipping up in my “current” childhood. It was when my mother had made reference to the fact that her and my father did not abuse us as the father of my friend, Jimmy, routinely did to his own children in front of me. I corrected her by reminding her that she used to spank us, and only when she adamantly denied it did I realize my error. My mother had indeed spanked me as a young child, but I had been absent-mindedly thinking of the wrong mother.

There was also an image of an active old man with a long, grayish-white beard stretching down almost to the center of his chest, his wide-brimmed hat hides his intense eyes. I would always see him walking with a pickaxe slung over his shoulder, walking up or down this hill. Though my sense is that he is basically a distant and fascinating stranger to me, in some way he seems to function as a father.

Another image that may be tied to this life involves seeing a creature standing behind broken portions of a wooden and stone structure, staring down at me. It is the typical Gray entity. I at first dismissed this image from consideration, despite its vivid quality and rich emotion, as it seemed too absurd: not a mere alien encounter nor a mere memory of a past life, but a memory of a past life in which I had an alien encounter. I had my limitations. The image has persisted, however.

The next memory is at a location I feel certain is in Kentucky, where I am as an older child leaving behind my life behind me. I see a red barn with white trimming, like those which have an “x” formation on the doors and shutters. There are farmlands and expansive fields. I see it down a dirt road, where I stand looking in its direction. On my shoulder is a stick at the end of which is a red bandanna with white designs on it, and inside the bag I’ve made of it by tying its four ends together are a few personal possessions. I have on one of those newsboy flat caps. My one arm is extended and I’m waving goodbye to a man and a woman standing in front of the barn in the distance, watching me and waving back.

As I get older in the memories, the scenery seems to change abruptly. In what came in the form of one out of the three recurring dreams I had as a child, I am a young boy living in what appears to be a sunny, hot and dry desert town. Usually I am running and trying to hide from someone, though on occasions the dreams involved me pedaling around on a bicycle instead. Outside of that, everything was always the same. There is little grass outside, if any, mostly just dirt. I’m running right by people into stores, what look like bars and restaurants, hiding behind doors and curtains. There are so many people around and so much action going on I am hardly noticed, and where I am noticed, usually just encountering a casual annoyance or cautious humor from others. The town appeared far too detailed and realistic for me to have made up, though I can certainly connect it with no place — or environment, for that matter — that I’ve ever been to, at least within the context of my present life.

Associated with this recurring dream is a memory that came to me while listening to a guided past life regression hypnosis recording on December 21, 2008. In the memory I find myself in a confessional, sitting on a small bench built into it. Between my hands, with my fingers held together and straight and my thumbs extended, is a black, leather-bound Bible. I hold this between my legs, with my knees drawn together. My head hangs beneath my shoulders. Not far in front of me is the entrance, which I initially take for a door but then realize is nothing more than a thick curtain. I watch the light shine from the bottom of it, with the light broken by two or three slender shadows. The light terminates well before my feet, which are partially drawn under the bench. To the right of me is the other booth. Maybe a little screen window. Behind me, maybe colored glass, I can’t be sure. All I know is that I feel dark, sad, scared and very drawn into myself. I am young, perhaps in my early or mid-twenties, but this is perhaps just a shot in the dark, too. My clothing doesn’t catch my attention. It doesn’t strike me whether I am the one confessing or the one being confessed to.

I move further ahead in time. What I see now are two men holding what seems like a stretcher between them come out the doorway. They walk down the steps of a building to the grass, which I assume to be the back entrance to a church. This stretcher is just two long sticks with an off-white sheet between, on which lay the body. I don’t look. At this point I feel dreadful. Looking downward, eyes watching the grass in front of me, I make my way forward along with the men I know are carrying the stretcher to my right. My walk comes to an end as my line of sight falls upon a large, freshly-dug hole in the earth. I then watch as the body is not so much as lowered as it is dropped into the hole. The face of a good-looking young man stares back at me blankly. Just a boy, really, I feel. Not a day older than twenty. Slender with fine skin and jet-black hair. The boy’s eyes, his dead eyes, are wide open. His skin, even his eyes, look blue-tinted. I watch him for a mere second before a shovel full of fresh soil blasts him in the face, which I am frightened to find un-phased, as if, despite my knowledge that he is dead, I had somehow expected him to react. I look out of the hole now and to my right, where I see two men, in white shirts that seem slightly puffy at the sleeves. They are pitching their shovels into the nearby mound of rich soil and tossing heaps of it into the hole in a style that seemed to rushed and routine.

Things are suddenly confused. I don’t know if what I’m seeing is me or if its someone I’m looking at. I get a flash of doing it, but of seeing it from an outside perspective as well. My sense, from the inside perspective, is that I open my book as they continue to shovel. I begin to read. I think I’m older. Older than the boy in the pit, older than I was in that scene in the confessional. And yet still feeling dreadful. Still feeling sad, grim, powerless. If this is me, I am a priest.

When I was really young in the current life, my mother had this night-light that consisted of a bulb inside of a ceramic frog which she would leave on the edge of a dresser or table pushed against the wall just across from my bed. I would just stare at it as I lay awake at night, letting my mind wander back to this elegant church, where men in long robes and high hats stood beside one another as a child was being baptized before them. These high hats, I eventually discovered, were the mitres usually worn only by bishops of the Catholic Church.

I also have images of a beautiful and comfortable room made of stone, and particularly a room with a bubbled-glass door that led to a shower, and I for some reason associate this with Rome, Italy. There is also this image of two elderly people, a man and woman, meeting one another while both are under umbrellas in the midst of a morning downpour, and I get feelings of love, and perhaps secrecy.

There are two memories I feel were at the very end of his long life. In one such recollection, he is inside this diner in a place nearby a river, and I get the feeling that during this period he is trying to get in touch with life. Present is the feeling I often have when I’m around moving water, which is this sort of cleansing and energetic feeling. I feel older here. I picture trucks driving through puddles outside, in the muddy area that serves as a parking lot. The restaurant is sparsely populated. Like in the childhood memory, the dream of the desert-like town, the atmosphere here seems somehow different than I’m used to.

During the chilhood of my current life, a haunting scene had at least on one occasion unfolded autonomously before my inner eyes as I lay awake in my loft bed. I can see his black clothing in the dimly-lit room, the white portion of his collar and his grayish-white hair. I notice his face, carved with deep wrinkles, and eyes that seem to hold a depth and intensity. There is a sadness in him that he cannot bear; this great weight that seems to be pulling him down and crushing him. Feelings of guilt, shame, and anger swirl in him. The sense of depression, of being trapped, of this awesome disappointment with himself and his long life is overwhelming. At some point in the vision I realize this is myself, that I am looking at my own face in a mirror, peering deep within my own, aged eyes as if making a final assessment.

My attention is drawn to a photograph of a very morose-looking woman in a long, black, Victorian dress. She is standing in a field of tall grass with a body of water, perhaps the ocean, to her left and a house just beind her. My sense is that she lives there in solitude, isolating herself for some reason. I get the feeling she is someone for whom I care very deeply, with whom I share a deep empathy. With a gaze at the photo, I feel myself fill to the brim with sorrow. As if a final judgment of myself, I find in my mind the words: “I am very unhappy with my work.” Then I lift the gun I am holding to my head, pressing it against my temple, waiting for the right moment, trying to let the entirety of my life sink in as I pull the trigger.

As I write this I wonder what I expected to find once that bullet shot through my skull. Was I expecting heaven, perhaps hell, or had I even in that life earned the atheism I have since renewed, but with it mistakenly assumed I would no longer be? And was he relieved, saddened, enraged when I found myself free of the shell, yet not of myself? How much time passed before I, perhaps inevitably, found myself right back at square one? In any case, there is an unrecalled intralife existential commercial break missing here, but eventually I found my way back.

My vision is blurry, as if my eyes are not adjusting properly. To some degree, it was as if I was seeing this all through a fogged window. My mother is beside me, and I stand perhaps at the height of her waist, staring out amidst the shimmering streetlights bleeding out through the darkness and pouring rain. Gripping my hand, my mother playfully tells me to run. Across the street we go, passed a small stretch of sidewalk and towards a building with windows bright and bleeding out into the night. This is where she works. Inside, men in suits surrounded by model cars in strange, pastel colors seem very excited to see me, but that was all I remembered of the incident save for one more basic detail: that this occurred in Little Rock, Arkansas.

When I think of Little Rock, I picture looking out the side window of a car as it goes up and down this road, and I can see layered rocks to the sides, above that hints of the greens and browns of a forest. Nor has my mother ever had such a job. Though I have forgotten what the job was, I had known it in my youth and had asked my mother if she had ever had such a job. She responded to my question with a confused negative. I remember not being surprised, but that I nonetheless felt I had to ask the question just as confirmation.

Though reduced in clarity, I have two recollections of a toy store that took place at a young age, so I must wonder if this was the nature of the place where my other-mother worked. In one recollection, I am hiding with someone in the large stock room of a toy store in a little cove made of boxes. In another, I remember this room with a high ceiling literally teeming with toys, though it is particularly a toy train that went all around the room that burns in my memory, as well as a cheery old man with a gray-white beard who seemed to run the place.

In another memory that feel attached to Little Rock, I am a very young boy standing in a long line outside the door to what I feel is the art room. The hallway is congested, filled with kids, and I think there are pictures on the walls. My attention is for some reason directed at a small black boy, and I feel empathy with him.

When still young, I believe, I am in the car with someone and we are driving into New York City. Rain pounds down on the windshield of the car, blurring the lights and images from outside, and though I am uncertain as to whether or not I am driving, I am terrified we are going to get in a wreck. Something in the context of the car ride gives me the impression of high class, and in some vague way it seems to be associated with another brief recollection of mine. I find myself up close to the stage in what appears to have been a jazz club, watching a band on stage, paying particular attention to a well-dressed, elderly black gentlemen expertly playing the saxophone to the far left.

In still another memory I associate with Little Rock, and which I used to imagine as I played with my toy trucks as a kid, I find myself with someone at a large, well-lit arena at night. There are many people around and there is excitement in the air as trucks plow through the mud and at one another. With this I associate the same brown-haired woman from yet another memory I have of Little Rock. Again it is raining. It seems to be the twilight of early morning. Above the head of the bed is a window, revealing the early morning twilight. Rain is blurring the browns and greens on the other side of the glass, casting a dim, eerie, relaxing blue glow about the room. There is a man in bed with a beautiful, slender woman on top of him, straddling him, her bottom half concealed by bed sheets as her long, flowing, dark hair cascades across her shoulders. Muscles flex on the soft, smooth skin of her naked back. The moment seems imbued with this relaxing, peaceful, liberating feeling. The perplexing aspect of this memory is that I am viewing it from behind her, as if from the far end of the room. Sometimes I interpret this as me having witnessed this scene as a third party, and on other occasions I feel certain I am the man, viewing her back from a mirror positioned on the wall opposite the bed.

There may be more to this memory, but my attitude has consistently wavered, and does even now, as I type all this. During the five years or so that I lived in my efficiency apartment alone, I was exploring this grouping of memories quite heavily. In the midst of some meditation laying on my back in bed one morning, I suddenly see in my mind’s eye a brown-haired girl roll over on the bed, her beautiful eyes peering into my own sensuously as she smiled warmly. Then I abruptly snapped out of it. It was amazingly lifelike. Instantly I associated her with the girl I had been having sex with in the Little Rock memory. I believe it was later on, when posing the question to my mind on the bridge of sleep, where I came to refer to her as Susan.

While playing over the scene with Susan in that house, I began to get flashes and impressions of a child in the dark hallway, though not necessarily at the same time as the memory. The child seemed to be black, or at the very least not Caucasian, and I did not feel that this child was myself. Though I can’t be certain whether there was such a child in that house or not, it could explain other memories I’ve had regarding a black child, which I will describe later.

There are also various vague snippets of memory that seem to imply there were also some college years to speak of, or in the very least a college class. I had a particular fondness for the class, and the lecture hall was in a building that rested halfway underground, at least at the angle I’m viewing it in the memory. There seems to be this excitement in the air, this intellectual stimulation bringing people together to discuss and explore meaningful ideas. Two other recollections seem to resonate well with this theme and have led me to believe that this was during the 1960s. The most telling of the era, perhaps is the one in which I find myself in a red-orange tent atop a grassy hill with some individuals who undoubtedly fit the classification of the hippie. Though I do not recall the act specifically, I have the impression I took a potent psychedelic drug of some kind. I was seeing tracers and had hallucinations of nets and other patterns. Most of all, however, I recall the brilliantly colorful, apparently phosphorescent daisies and grass on the hill outside the tent and the night sky above, which seemed unimaginably wide and deep, colored the blackest black sprinkled with the most brilliant, shimmering stars.

In addition to this, however, there are memories that must find their home in this same period and yet carry a very different mood. One memory takes place in the dark of night, where I watch as a group of men dressed in black gear travel across a wire. They move across the wire silently, swiftly, following it onto a boat or vessel of some kind. While I am watching this from a distance, I feel as if I’m doing so as an observer, as if I am there but not participating. In any respect, the men accessing the vessel were surely not enemies of mine. In another recollection, it is daytime and I am in a jungle. If anyone else is around me, I have no awareness of them. I am holding a camera attached to a strap drawn over the back of my neck, looking up at the tops of the trees, as if I‘ve just suddenly noticed something. There, just at the treetops, I see a pitch black, saucer-shaped object, the rim lined with multicolored lights. It hovers silently and I find myself transfixed by it, in absolute awe at the sight of it.

Whenever I recollect the scene of his trip with the hippies on the hill or the scene when he was staring at the saucer in the jungle (make what you wish of that), I see him as I did in a dream I had one morning. In time this dream would help clear things up a bit, as for some reason I attached to him as a grown man the nickname “Uncle Sam,” which I found perplexing. In that strange dream I found myself slowly zooming in, out and around this incredibly elaborate drawing, which appeared as though it was done in India ink, of a man’s face. He had a long, bushy goatee and hid his eyes behind stained, rounded glasses. He wore something akin to a top hat, his curly hair flowing out the back, and a cigar stuck out the side of his mouth. In short, he looked like a darker image of the traditional Uncle Sam. The picture burned in my mind and later on I drew him, but try as I might I could not even come close to expressing the quality of form and detail that my dream had revealed to me. I had the impression that this was a sort of self-portrait I had made in my later years, and that his appearance if nothing else helped account for the name.

It also might account for how I preferred to dress as a kid, and by that I mean the life I know I have as I am living it now (at minimal speed and with a broken compass, but nonetheless). Often I would wear one of my father’s button-down, green Army shirts and the gray, old man hat my maternal grandfather had given me.

In addition to these two military memories there is a third, though it is less of a memory than a high-speed collage of memories — a “jungle reverie” of greens, red, war, the jungle, leopards, explosions, the American Flag, green tanks and soldiers in green uniforms and helmets. It is in a hotel room in Florida that this jungle reverie overtakes my mind like a visual-emotional windstorm. I am sitting on a canopy bed with transparent white drapes around the sides, and it is something leopard-print in the room that triggered it. Distraction was the last thing I wanted. Without doubt, I am anticipating sex. There are two other memories having to do with a hotel, and while I am uncertain if it has to do with this memory specifically, I feel it is likely. One image depicts a fairly wide hallway in what seems to be a high-class hotel. The imagery has a 1970s look to it and I feel I‘m on a high floor. The last image to do with a hotel merely deals with the image of a beautiful waterfall that gives off a tranquil feeling, a sense of comfort that seems to be void of all worries, tensions and fears. The overall feeling resonates remarkably well with the scene with the woman back in Little Rock, and I wonder if this is perhaps some place we met up after I came back from the “jungle.”

There are other memories that lead me to suspect this, and it has to do with the theme of a black boy, as mentioned earlier. For some time I thought these memories indicated a life I lived as a black boy, but I’m no longer convinced, as none of the memories are through the eyes of the child, always from an external perspective. None the less, to this day the memories confuse me. One such memory depicts a small, dimly-lit apartment, but other than the fact that it exists in a city, I have no impression as to where the place is. I feel certain, however, that this apartment is owned by an elderly black man. Walking in the door, you enter a short hallway and there is a closet to the right, in which he has a pair of brown leather shoes. This apartment may be associated with another memory in which I am looking down at a small black boy in one-piece pajamas. There are other, older children around him, and they are all in a run-down room with bunk beds. I know this child is not myself, but I do not get a sense of who I am or my age. I do, however, have the strong impression that this is in Miami Beach, Florida.

In any respect, if it was indeed Susan at the hotel, her and I did not seem to have a lasting relationship with one another if we had one at all. All other memories of Florida depict me alone, after all, and sinking deeper into misery, as indicated by the remaining memories and the impressions I get of this latter period. Be it nicknames I earned or mere associations I had with myself, thinking of myself at this point brings to mind “the hobo,” “the bum,” “the hermit.”

There are quite a few brief memories and impressions of jobs I had. Unless I was in Florida prior to going to what I presume to be the war, the first job I recall having in Florida was a job that made me miserable. I worked as a trash collector on Palm Beach. In the single memory attached to this intuitive allegation, I have walked off the beach into a room of a building, perhaps to talk with my boss, when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror or in the glass. It is to my right from where I came in the door. For whatever reason, it seems that it has been quite awhile since I’ve seen my own reflection. My appearance is dirty, my face looks worn, I am unshaven and — what most catches my attention and disgusts me, for some reason — my hair is overgrown and messy, reaching out in all directions. I am so disgusted with my reflection that I find it painful. I had felt ashamed at how far I have not come in life, and now a glimpse of my own reflection only served to diminish the little drive to live that I had left.

Akin to the jungle reverie spoken of earlier, with respect to Florida I have a rather morbid, at times nightmarish reverie. It is a moving collage: speedy, jerky and incredibly disorientating. Amidst the confusion and horror there are vivid and oftentimes surreal images, all wrapped nice and tight in a cocoon of fear. Dark alleyways, trash and dumpsters haunt my mind. Threats to my life just looming out there in the darkness, waiting to strike. Hiding and scavenging and feeling the most abysmal futility. More stable memories, though stiff brief and vague, suggest I tried my hand at graffiti and even painted elaborate murals on walls. Specifically I remember the esoteric themes, such as the seven-banded aura, the major chakras, and the minor chakras on an open hand.

There is no reason to think that I was always homeless, or in the very least broke, as I have all too many memories of jobs. I have images of flipping burgers on a grill at a busy fast food restaurant (which could also be looked at as a prophecy, considering my current, long-standing employment). There is also a distinct sense, which arose from a dream, where I worked at a slaughterhouse with a group of men, where it was cold and frightening, with large chunks of meat hanging from the ceiling. It was my job to cleave the meat. I felt isolated there, as if they sincerely considered me a mental handicap, and I remember being taunted and teased, pranks being played on me.

There was one last job that I had, and it would be the last job of my life. More interestingly, I think I remember the car ride that took me there. Though the mood and general impression may make it fitting for the drive that took me away from the life I had known in Little Rock and to the war, I get the sense that I am older now, heavier with experience that feels as though it now weighs me down all the more. In any case, I am in the backseat of a car, perhaps a taxi, and feeling this dismal feeling as I headed off to a place I feel I have never been before. The dull, gray-white sky seems wide and threatening, thick with pollution, and the congested highway brings fearful considerations of our planet’s over-population. This car ride, I believe, dropped me off in Miami Beach.

Perhaps I had read into the alchemical symbol known as the oroborus, or perhaps their natures simply resonated. Regardless, he happened to land in the most available substitute for the first job he had ever been introduced to, if indeed it was a toy store where my other-mother worked. He worked at a Children’s Palace, it’s castle form built into an indoor mall. I remember a warehouse where machines lifted big wooden crates, perhaps indicating that for some time I worked somewhere in shipping and receiving. It was in his car in the parking lot where I slept, or at least tried to. At night, I recall feeling frightened, depressed and unable to sleep, staring up through the car windows at the high, long-necked lights of the mall parking lot. I also remember gulls hanging around the lot in the daytime, and perhaps it is for this reason that I recall reading the book John Livingston Seagull, which I later found was on the Bestseller’s list in 1972 and 1973, which may give me some sense of when this all occurred. I also felt he was an avid reader of Friedrich Nietzsche, though no life stage is suggested.

There is also a scene that was depicted in one of three recurring dreams I recall having as a child. In the dream, I find myself running through the dark, vacant walkway of a mall, as if for my very life. Looking to my sides, I can see the stores caged off from the world, the bars pulled down beneath the signs and across the entrances, as I pass them by. Faster I run until I find myself outside the mall, in the back of the mall building right behind me. The sky is blue and the sun blares down and the wall of the back of the mall is painted white. The only thing that confuses me is how it is that I got to be out here, as not only is there no door to be seen, but I certainly did not recall walking through any such door, and that would seem to be the sort of thing I should remember. No, one moment I was running like a bat out of hell in the darkness; the next, here I was alone, bathing in the light of the sun. My eyes rest on the only possibility: this grate in the wall. I must have climbed through the ventilation shafts, removed the grate and replaced it behind me, and all without realizing I had done so. With frightening effort I took a lot of time trying to convince myself that all of this was possible, and was, in fact, the only logical explanation. Slowly but surely, my defenses break down, however, and I come to face the truth, which is that I am dead.

Despite my apparent death, there are at least two, and perhaps three memories to follow, all of which would appear to precede my present life, and two were particularly vivid memories, and may even be different parts of the same memory. In the first, I am watching as some black boy, perhaps in his early teens, plays alone in a basketball court with cracked gray pavement and surrounded my a chain-link fence. Walking from the court and across the street of what seems to be a run-down city, he holds the basketball underneath his arm as he walks along the sidewalk against what would appear to be a building of a strip mall with an overhang. Rather than looking at me — or even acknowledging my existence, for that matter — despite our close proximity, he walks with that basketball under his arm, eyes wide with fascination with respect to all the stuffed animals on the other side of the huge glass windows. There is a particular lack of reaction when he does not notice me, as if it were simply expected. A related bizarre quality to this memory is that I seem to be nothing but an invisible, floating point of awareness despite the fact that I had, if no other sense modality, at the very least a crystal-clear vision. This is contrary to the sense of still having a body, so much that I mistook myself for still being alive, when outside the back of the mall.

The other memory involves being inside what I presume to be that same building, up above the shelves of a toy store, looking out passed the resisters to the huge glass windows at the front of the store. My line of descends, pans away from the front and travels down an isle of toys. From there, it slowly fades into this vivid, subjective imagery filled with dark silhouettes. These shadows are set against a background of hallucinatory still images composed of various two-dimensional shapes, and I pan across the still scene at a set, slow pace to the right. All the while I feel as though I am in some way letting everything go, drifting off into this altered state of consciousness almost akin to that one finds in a vivid dream.

The remaining memory that might be relevant here is a memory from what we could call my present life, and it involves a recurring scenario in the “daydreams” I had as a child, when despite being in bed, in the darkness, and with my eyes closed, I simply could not drift off into a sleep. It always involved myself falling down a deep hole, passing by other things falling at different speeds, being grabbed by bony creatures clinging to the sides, falling down through hoops and through the gaping mouth of a gigantic ape head. As long as I would fall, I would never reach the bottom of this vast well — save for one particular rendition of the fantasy. This was the original form the fantasy took, or so I feel. In any case, it involved this person, perhaps on some occasions a guy but most memorably a girl, who died early in her life, perhaps by suicide, and was forced to become reborn in another body. This process involved her falling down a vortex of some kind leading to the vertical tunnel I always imagined falling down, and finally ending up as this tiny piece of dust which fell into the salad or drink of the unassuming woman who would come to be my mother. On some occasions with frustration it took several attempts until she consumed the speck I had become.

Then I read a paper by Jim Tucker and Poonam Sharma entitled “Cases of the Reincarnation Type with Memories from the Intermission.” Though I was interested in the manner in which they reincarnate, I didn’t expect Tucker would detail the manner in which it occurred. He did to some degree, and I found it interesting:

“Nine commented on how they gained entrance to the mother’s body. This was most often by transforming into a grain of rice or speck of dust in the water and being ingested by the mother. A few went to considerable lengths, having to try repeatedly when either they were rebuffed by guardian spirits or the water was thrown out as dirty.”